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A good family always has rules, little laws. In order for the rules in your family to work, they themselves must comply with some rules. Namely, the rules are:
The fewer rules the better.
the most important at least for today. Not at all, but what is important now
Rules should take care of all family members
Rules in the family should be established by parents, thinking about the interests of all family members. And about the freedom and joy of the younger ones, and about the tasks and tranquility of the older ones. About the rights of both men and women. The best rule is one that takes into account the interest of all parties. If the rule is directed against someone or someone is clearly disadvantageous, it usually works poorly. In addition, parental requirements should not come into direct conflict with the most important needs of the child. We should not limit a child’s need for movement, communication, or exploration interests just because we can’t stand noise or we’re afraid he’ll stick his nose where it doesn’t belong. It is better to create safe conditions so that he can fulfill these needs of his. You can explore puddles, but only in high boots… You can even throw stones at a target, if you take care that no one gets hurt.
The rule must be clear
“After school, go straight home”: can you chat with friends on the way? How about running with them? How about an hour of football? The rule «Tell the truth» often conflicts with the rule «Don’t upset your mother,» and the requirement «You can’t fight» often conflicts with «If you’re being bullied, hit back.» If at a holiday, when children run and make noise, parents look at children with satisfied faces, then say at the same time “Don’t run!” and «Be quiet!» means to give conflicting messages. If you say “I don’t repeat three times,” then this must be done. Yes?
From simple to complex
If the rule is too complicated and unbearable, it will not be executed. The rule “Children do not call names among themselves and do not fight” is not realistic up to a certain age: it is unnatural for children, and they do not need such a rule, and such a rule is really too complicated. In addition, it is overwhelming to follow many rules at once, so make it a rule: “Not all at once.” The rules must be enforceable. Introduce new rules gradually, only then the old ones are mastered, and know how to wait. You don’t like that the child is grimacing, you don’t like that there is a lot of rubbish in the child’s speech — do not make noise ahead of time, everything is on the sly. Smile, be supportive. Everything happens over time, everything is not done all at once. Admire your child, it will be better than making claims against him. When introducing a new rule, help the children remember it and maybe start it as a game first. If a ban on «Netki» is introduced, start squatting for Netki fun with the children, and the rule will quickly become common, your own and understandable.
Designate the severity of the rule
Rules can have different rigidity, and it should be indicated: this is a hard rule, and this is a soft one, rather a recommendation. The hard rule is absolutely mandatory, it is not up for discussion and must be followed under all circumstances.
An excellent rule is that children go to bed at 22.00. Iron rule! Games, movies, Vkontakte and other entertainment on computers — only in the morning, before school. When they need, the children will get up at 5 in the morning. Great habit to get up early!
Soft rules come with the intonation “it would be desirable”, “we will be guided by this as much as possible”. There are hint rules (“It’s better to wash your hands with soap”), and there are iron rules: “You can’t play with fire.” You can never steal, and this is not justified by anything, and in principle it is impossible to raise your voice, but in some cases it is excusable.
When children are small, it is convenient to indicate the rigidity of the rules with colors. An interesting system was proposed by Yu.B. Gippenreiter: green is the child’s freedom zone, yellow is the child’s relative freedom, orange is allowed as an exception, red is a categorical prohibition.
The rules must be the same
There are situations in the family when mom says or allows one thing, dad says something else, and grandmother offers her own version. Imagine yourself in the place of a child in such a situation. Try to figure out whose rules and restrictions you need to follow! In addition, you can take the opportunity and achieve your own, causing a split in the ranks of adults. The task of adults is to agree on all the basic rules among themselves. If it is not possible, we calmly explain: “When you are with your grandmother, there are only rules. And when you’re at home, we have different rules. Understandably?» This is usually understandable to children.
When formulating a rule, do it firmly
Either smile and everything suits you, or say the rule firmly: not persuading, but formulating a demand: “Turn off the computer, go to sleep.” The tone can be serious, can be friendly, never flattering and undesirably goo-imperious. A ban given in an angry or overbearing manner is taken doubly hard. To the question: «Why not?» — you should not answer: “Because I order it!”, “It’s impossible, that’s all!”. It is necessary to briefly explain: «It’s already late», «It’s dangerous», «It can break», etc. The explanation should be short and given once. And it is better to give it in an impersonal form. For example: “Candy is eaten after dinner” instead of “Put the candy back right now!”. Or: “Don’t play with matches, it’s dangerous” instead of “Don’t you dare touch matches!”. What you say to your child should be clear, short and strong (demanding). Not only what you say is very important, but also how you say it. What is important to pay attention to? See Strength and firmness in voice and gestures
Rules must be protected by sanctions
“A kind word and a gun sounds more convincing than just a kind word!” — this is true. Rules are justified by reason, but must be protected by sanctions. Which and how is a separate question.