Rule number one to prevent rivalry between children in the same family
Here is a basic rule that all parents with multiple children, regardless of their age and gender, should follow: never compare them to each other.
Never say anything like, «Well, why can’t you sit up straight like your brother?», unless you want him to take offense and hold a grudge against a brother with a straight back. Keep in mind that children tend to accept the role they feel they have in the family and are also quick to recognize when a special place is given to them. If a child notices that his brother or sister has already been given the halo of a «good child», he chooses a reliable way to attract the attention of his parents — this is to occupy the niche of a «bad child».
Sisters fall into this trap just as often as brothers, allowing themselves to be labeled with the widespread stereotype of «pretty girl» which means not very smart compared to «smart girl».
Boys, too, are vulnerable to stereotypical labels at an early age, and you should watch to see if one of your sons is starting to take on the social role of «class clown», «troublemaker» or «stupid» that has been imposed on him. In the presence of other children, never use labels, even for good intentions (“You have always been the best athlete”), the child will surely mentally complete this sentence for you (“… not like your goon is a brother”).
Remember that innocent remarks you make can cause dissension between brothers and sisters. If you have several children, then a very important part of your parenting work should be taking care of maintaining mutual understanding and friendship in the family.
My two sons fight all the time. Who will get the car first? Who will sit next to dad at dinner? Whose piece of cake is bigger? They start arguing about the most ordinary things, and end up in a fight. How can I bring peace between them?
First of all, teach them to keep peace among themselves. It needs to be hammered into their heads that you will not accept violence. As soon as you notice a fight, regardless of «who started it», the one who hit first should know that he is in for more trouble.
Arguing and competing is normal for children of the same family, but it is not at all normal (“It is not customary in our family!”) To use force to achieve their goal. Punishment for this should not be delayed (for example, a ban on a country walk, deprivation of dessert). It must follow immediately and be directly related to the violation. For example, you can send the offenders to different parts of the house. (Note: Sending everyone to their own room may not work because those rooms are their hideouts full of funny toys. Choose a more austere room where the child can think about the offensive nature of their actions without distraction. Better for 10-15 minutes, put him on a chair in your bedroom, so you can keep an eye on him so that he does not leave there before.)
But before you do that, the first and most important thing you do when you show aggression is get the one who hit or pushed (regardless of who hit first) to apologize. If the apology is fake or insincere, ask the offender to think in isolation about his behavior for a while, and then have him apologize in a different tone.
Please note: usually in such cases, children whimper: “I didn’t say it in a bad tone!” That is why you must explain to the child that an apology is worth something when the one to whom it is addressed feels their meaning behind the words spoken. If the child does not feel remorse, he needs to be alone in order to then give him the opportunity to apologize.
Having proclaimed the principles of your peace-loving policy and announcing in advance that any violation of them will entail punishment, you can allow yourself to carefully, fairly, with patience, study the arguments that are present at the verbal level. Usually we were convinced that the attempts of parents to influence the essence of strife between children were unproductive, especially between minors, since the event that served as a pretext may seem ridiculous to an adult. If they got into a heated argument about who should sit in this seat, which is a few centimeters from the exact same one, you need to explain that in the history of mankind, most likely, it will not be preserved who and where sat.
Then point to one place and arbitrarily order one of the children to sit there, and the other to the other — without allowing any disputes with the parents.
Another way is to say in a determined tone, «If you both don’t stop arguing in the next three minutes, neither of you will be sitting there» and sit in the disputed seat yourself. This works especially well when both children want to play with the same toy at the same time. They understand that they must either play in turn, or the toy will disappear for the next half hour.
It is undesirable for parents to assume the role of the wise Solomon in discussing the minor details of such disputes. Do not let any of the children complain about their brother for a long time and prove to you why you should admit that he is right. To do so is to legitimize the idea of arguing over trifles; besides, from the point of view of the loser, your decision will always seem inherently unfair. Discourage boys from keeping score of who played with the toy first last time or whose turn it is to get into the car first this time. Otherwise, there will be no end to the disputes.
Here are some little tips to help prevent disputes:
- Assign seats to each of them at the dinner table, in the car, in the home theater, and so on. The distribution of places established by the parents should have a reasonable framework, create an atmosphere of legality. For example, you assign your youngest son a seat on the side of the car for safety reasons, because he needs to get out immediately, while the older one is more patient and can wait and get out of the car at your direction — or through the back door on the driver’s side if you say that it’s safer to do so, or jump out through the back door on the passenger side.
- In a restaurant, you should also sit in a certain order: for example, mom and dad are at both ends of the table, and the children are between them, or dad and mom are both on one side, and both children are opposite (this should end the banter about who sits with which of the parents). A reasonable rationale for this would be that the adults who form a married couple should sit side by side.
- «Because I said so» — these words should be an explanation of the legitimacy of your demands, at least until the children reach the age of 13-14.
If these suggestions do not help you resolve the conflict, you can resort to a strategy for long-term mitigation of the brothers’ confrontation. We advise you to inspire your boys that strong family ties are the creed of your family. At each skirmish, as soon as you hear the first gu.e.e words, remind them:. “We don’t talk to each other like that in our family!”
Although young children are not yet able to think about something long-term, it is necessary to repeat some thought to them more often, it must be fixed, and when they grow up to understand its meaning, this concept will already firmly «sprout» in their minds. Whenever your children mistreat each other, tell them that it hurts you to see how they behave. You gave birth to your children not only to love them, but also so that they love each other. The day will come when they really need each other’s help. They will be very happy to know that they can count on each other, because they were taught this when they were children.
Tell some stories from your childhood, but only if your family can serve as a good example. If there has never been a warm relationship and mutual support between you, then forget about it. Just express regret that you could not get along with each other. You have had good relationships with your siblings but have quarreled sometimes (as we all do), mentally revisit these resolved conflicts to teach the children how to resolve misunderstandings.
It will be great if most of the conversations remain in their memory and, what is very important, they will evoke good thoughts and good feelings.
We do not support those specialists who believe that children should freely «express themselves» without any restriction, including their hostile or negative thoughts and feelings. On the contrary, we object to it. Parents should teach the child to control himself, his behavior. Explain that a word can hurt someone’s feelings more than a hammer. Of course, the child feels better when he vents his anger, but here the stakes are higher than his feelings.
We have all met adults who have not embraced these basic criteria, and as a result behave like two-year-olds, constantly whimpering and going berserk at the slightest: injustice. If someone accidentally interferes with them on the track, they immediately jump out of the car and begin to shower curses and kick the fender of the offender’s car. You don’t want your kids to grow up like that.
All of the above does not mean that children should never argue or show how angry they are. Of course, there will always be something to quarrel with, so by teaching them that hitting, kicking, and insulting them is not the right way to express themselves, we must show them the right way to express our disagreement with something, even the smallest one. Children need to be taught to argue honestly and effectively so that this leads to conflict resolution.
Write down a few simple rules about disputes and put them into practice. Do not allow any offensive outbursts of anger (“I hate you!”, “I have never met anyone stupider in my life!”). It is quite easy for a two-year-old child to understand and follow the golden rule if you are the personification of this rule for him: “You wouldn’t want your brother to do the same to you, so don’t hurt him.”
Another important principle that even a very young child can quickly grasp is: “You cannot make one truth out of two untruths.” You, the parents, must make it clear that one of the children is not allowed to fight and call names because the other one started first. You must stop any attempt to tell a long story about how «he did this to me, then I had to do this to him …». Say, «You know what? It was because of such reasoning that the six-hundred-year war in the Balkans began. Our children know more about the history of Southeast Europe than other children their age, because we spent quite a lot of time giving examples from the history of these countries (it worked, our daughters rarely argued for more than a few minutes).
You can introduce the concept: «instead of denying — offer.» Tell your child, “If you want to argue about something, come up with a new idea that will help your sister (or brother) see things from your point of view.”
Explain the meaning of the word «compromise» to three-year-olds. Give some concrete examples so they understand how it is achieved. Two-year-olds can already begin to perceive the concepts of «sharing» and «taking turns.» A one-year-old baby is able to understand prohibitions: “NO! Don’t push sister!» and «You can’t hit anyone!». The main thing is to carefully choose words that children understand, while the meaning contained in them — respect for other people, non-violent conflict resolution, strong family ties between brothers and sisters — you will teach them again and again, at any age and at any opportunity. because you are their parents.
Our tips will help you deal with childhood conflicts in the same family:
The old-fashioned way to share a meal is for one person to share a cookie and the other person to choose their share.
Try to avoid arguing about who will be first or last. Our children often found it easier to make an impersonal decision by flipping a coin. (Just DO NOT let them start a fight over who’s going to be the head and who’s going to be the tail!) This method teaches children some ideas about the laws of probability, which will be useful for them in high school math classes.
You and your husband should be role models for the kind of good behavior you want to encourage in your children. You both need to take care of yourself during an argument in front of the children. Always:
- Keep the conversation calm.
- Respect the other person’s point of view.
- Avoid arguing about things you both think are unimportant.
- Don’t «get hung up»; Once you resolve an issue, move on.
- Look for a compromise solution whenever possible.
- Be ready to apologize if the other person considers your words gu.e.mi.
My children often fight with each other, but this is not the main problem. The fact is that they have unequal forces: the eldest son always pesters the youngest, teases him, and when I scold him for this, he thinks that I am always on the side of the youngest. But if I treat them equally and punish both of them for fighting, then in the end the younger one will have to be punished more than he deserves.
Parents of children of different ages very soon begin to realize that education is a process that does not have universal approaches. So, it is right from the very beginning to treat children in a special way — it is like a tailor sewing a suit according to individual measurements. The eldest son may have some privileges, because the youngest has not yet grown up to them. But at the same time, the elder should also have responsibilities, because it is still difficult to rely on the baby. For example, you think your older son is not stupid enough to tease his younger brother, and you tell him about it, if necessary, and use coercion.
If the elder starts shouting: “This is not fair! You are punishing me more than him!», answer: «No, that’s fair, if he was the same age as you and teased a little boy, I would have punished him in the same way.»
There will come a time when you will have to treat them differently, not because one behaves badly and the other behaves well, but because they have different needs. For example, a baby has problems with the pronunciation of the sound «r». A speech pathologist may recommend that you do some special exercises at home. Then the eldest son will complain: “But you don’t work with me on purpose!” You can try to calculate how many hours a week you spend with one child so that you can allocate the same amount of time for another. But we advise you not to obey the dictates of the eldest son. You will be defeated in the numbering system that the son can come up with, and the rivalry between the brothers will continue, and maybe even get worse.
It is important that you allocate your own time and opportunities. If one of the children points out injustice to you in this regard, respond with a universal and philosophically deep phrase: “Life in general is unfair.”
Repeat this as needed.
As children get older, they will ask you why in some cases they have to put up with injustice, when, in their opinion, this can be corrected. They will enthusiastically try to change the world. But while they are small, you can confidently say “Life is generally unfair” to end arguments.
My four-year-old daughter Amy is almost always well-behaved, but two-year-old son Jeremy is a real brawler and brawler. He plays pranks all the time, and Amy often tells me about it. I don’t know how to feel about this: sometimes I’m glad that she warns of some pranks that can harm Jeremy himself, but on the other hand, I increasingly feel that she is just sneaking around, and this worries me. What do you think of it?
What is bad about this denunciation is that the girl is acting on the parental «territory». Looking after your little son is your responsibility, not hers. Her duty is to watch over her brother to help keep him out of trouble. You can tell her that you hope she will warn you in case of his risky behavior. Then she will not be a sneak, but a guardian angel.
Your girl should understand this difference, but if this does not work out, tell her that in such cases she should ask herself the question: “Will there be trouble if I do not tell adults about this?”
In order not to indulge the scammer, do not punish the baby, even if the act that you were told about was bad (if not dangerous). Instead, scold the sneak. Do not punish her, but just say sternly: “No one asked you to watch your brother like a policeman. It’s better to pay attention to your own behavior — it’s not good to snitch. ”
A few words about reprimands (in this and other situations):
- Try not to scold your child in front of anyone.
- Don’t let them count who gets scolded the most. Good behavior is not a competition! (So just say it.)
On the other hand, it is an acceptable and even good idea for parents to keep track of who is being scolded, how often, and for what. This will help you understand what aspect of your child’s behavior needs to be corrected, as well as realize when your words are effective and when they are not.
If you find yourself always scolding one of the children for the same thing, you should ask yourself the question: “Is there any use in my scolding?” This means that the child needs some other way to correct his behavior.
Of course, determine which of the children should be praised for exemplary behavior, especially if the child is trying to behave well.
Ask your child to help you solve a common problem for you. This will certainly help him think about how to change his behavior.
What not to do: Don’t let the «good» child gloat and smirk when the «bad» one is punished. Such behavior should be seen as much worse than whatever the «bad» child would do.