Rivalry between children: what should parents do?

Rivalry between siblings can manifest itself in many ways, from the simple demand for parental love to aggressive skirmishes and fights. This is one of the most common family problems that worries many parents. Individuals with completely different characters grow up in one family: they are forced to somehow coexist and settle endless disagreements.

On the one hand, this is a great opportunity to learn communication and conflict resolution skills. On the other hand, it is very frustrating for parents and children themselves. Sometimes rivalry turns into open hostility: siblings have been harassing each other for years. Parents should know how to deal with this in order to save their own nerves and maintain a calm and friendly atmosphere in the house.

Why does rivalry occur between children

Getting along with another person is not easy. Quite often scandals break out because of things: everyone wants to take possession of a limited resource. If children share one room, there is always a reason for a quarrel, and minor disagreements are simply inevitable. Almost all parents who have two or more children note some level of competition, but its roots can be different.

Most experts believe that the main role is played by the struggle for parental love and approval. There are other factors that increase internecine conflict:

• imaginary or real parental favoritism;
• different temperaments and characters;
• the need to protect their property: for example, a child is worried that a younger brother will steal his favorite blanket;
• jealousy: the older child is jealous of the newborn, because he gets the lion’s share of attention;
• family conflict resolution style: when parents argue aggressively and break into a scream;
• inability to cope with a conflict situation: it is simply difficult for young children to control their emotions;
• adults encourage aggression: if parents ignore a fight or laugh when one child teases another;
• a brother or sister is perceived as a rival;
• twins or twins grow up in the family: competition increases many times when parents and other adults begin to compare them.

According to some studies, rivalry between young children occurs much more often than between teenagers. Thus, children from three to seven years old have an extremely high level of conflict: on average, they argue 3,5 times per hour.

How Rivalry Affects Children and Parents

Rivalry between children often drives parents to despair, because all they do is separate opponents. Endless educational conversations require considerable effort and nervous tension. In addition, constant squabbles make it difficult to give children full attention, both all at once and individually.

Some parents try to take their children’s rivalry philosophically and be patient. Others worry that it will negatively affect behavior at school, relationships with friends, or growing up. Rivalry affects children in different ways. In some cases, quarrels with a brother or sister cause a lot of stress and confusion, especially when the child feels that he is less loved or not considered for his needs.

Sometimes childhood rivalry turns into violence. According to the National Survey of Children’s Exposure to Violence (2013), attacks on siblings are depressingly common. The percentage of such cases is especially high among children with an age difference of less than two years. Thus, 40,9% of them reported that over the past year they had been beaten more than once, and 7,7% that they had been thrown at them with weapons and severely injured.

Chronic assault, where one child is usually the victim and the other the tormentor, can lead to serious neurotic disorders. It causes childhood post-traumatic disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, learning and social difficulties, and relationship problems in adulthood.

On the other hand, competition provides certain advantages. Siblings learn social skills from each other. Early experience of conflict resolution prepares the child for many adult disagreements, including developing the ability to get along with other people: for example, roommates or spouses.

According to a 2013 study, fifth graders who were only children had weaker interpersonal skills after five years of attending school. This trend suggests that the ability to manage conflict, acquired in skirmishes with siblings, continues to bring significant benefits, even after the child enters school and spends most of the day with other children.

How to prevent rivalry between children

There is nothing unusual about the phenomenon itself, but not all childhood rivalry is considered normal or healthy. “While many parents tend to view sibling strife as something natural, childhood rivalry can negatively impact mental health and lifelong. He should be treated as a potential threat, the same as bullying and bullying, ”explains family therapist Kathy Hardy Williams.

“It is important for parents to understand that their decisions should be based primarily on the needs of the children, and not on the proverbial fairness,” continues Williams. – We used to think that justice is when everyone gets equally. But in fact, justice is when everyone gets what he needs. Parents who can teach their children this principle will do them an invaluable service.

Her opinion is echoed by research on interventions in childhood rivalry, which points to the need to encourage friendly relations between siblings. During it, 12 extracurricular activities took place, where children from the same family were taught positive friendly communication. They were asked to perceive each other as members of the same team, after which the authors noted that their mutual attachment was significantly strengthened.

There are other effective strategies: if a new addition is expected in the family, prepare the child for the birth of a baby, talk to him about it so that he feels like an important part of the process. Do not allow sudden changes in the life of an older child with the advent of a newborn. Be consistent, demand compliance with the rules without discounting age.

Brothers and sisters are more likely to offend each other if such behavior is turned a blind eye. It is very likely that the younger child, who is allowed to take anything without the permission of the older one, will do the same when he grows up. Intervene in conflicts where there is a clear desire for unilateral gain or physical force is used.

Do not single out favorites and do not compare children. Do not set one child as an example to another. Refrain from negative comparative assessments of appearance or gender. Don’t force twins to wear the same clothes and don’t expect them to behave the same way. Find time to interact with each child. Then it will be easier to see their unique qualities and develop talents.

If you are accused of having a pet

A child who declares to his parents that they love another more is experiencing real grief. Parents should not dismiss his worries, even if they do not have a pet. It is important to understand how he feels and help him deal with those emotions.

Ask questions like:

• Why do you think I have a pet?
• What can I do to make you feel that you are very loved?
• Are you missing my attention?
• Let’s think about how to improve your relationship with your brother (sister)?
• Maybe I can try to reconcile you?

Think about it: maybe you are accused of being biased for a reason? It often happens that one child is closer in spirit. For example, it is difficult for a father who is in love with sports and active games to find a common language with a son who prefers to read books calmly. Always ask for his opinion when planning joint activities, and try to understand what he is interested in.

Pay attention to the unique character traits and talents of each child. Praise them not only for successes that are important to your self-esteem, but also for everything that is important to them personally. The aspiring artist cares more about whether you like his drawings than about being rewarded for getting good grades. Think about the child’s feelings, not about how true his accusations are.

Love is not measured in portions, so it will not work to “prove” that you treat all children equally. If you can make the child feel truly loved, it is likely that the need to fight with brothers and sisters for your affection will disappear by itself.

When to See a Family Therapist

Family therapy helps to deal with many forms of childhood rivalry. It’s never too early to try and never too late. The help of a specialist is useful even with minor manifestations of hostility.

Therapy is highly recommended in such cases:

• Rivalry between children has become a source of chronic stress for parents or for themselves.
• Parents have tried countless ways to improve relationships between children, but nothing has worked.
• The bullying and physical abuse continues unabated.
• One or more children have special needs, which increases the manifestations of rivalry.
• There has been a major change or loss in the family, such as a divorce or the death of a loved one.
• Parents cannot overcome difficulties in communicating with one or more children, for which they are accused of bias.

The task of a competent therapist is to help each family member express their feelings. With his support, relatives will be able to agree on what to do with children’s rivalry and reach mutual agreement.

About the author: Zahn Willines is a behavioral psychologist and addiction specialist.