Revenge: a good idea or a bad one?

Upon learning that her partner was cheating on her with their friend’s daughter, Nadezhda did not hesitate for a long time: “I grabbed kitchen scissors and cut everything I could: curtains, his ties, shirts and suits.” After that, she packed her suitcase and left: “I never saw him again. I guess I wanted to tear his life to shreds. I immediately felt better. But then… His betrayal caused me great pain. Because I loved him.”

Heroes-avengers have been familiar to us since childhood: the unjustly convicted Edmond Dantes turns into the Count of Monte Cristo and punishes offenders, Medea takes out the rage caused by Jason’s betrayal on their children. Prince Hamlet wants to repay his uncle for the murder of his father… Literature is full of characters who try on both roles: the victim, the executioner.

“Revenge is always preceded by pain,” explains systemic family therapist Inna Khamitova. – We are trying to take revenge for the suffering that we experienced through the fault of a significant person: most often this is a partner, close friend, family member. At the same time, we tend to attribute malice to those for whom we suffer, as if they were deliberately torturing us.

instinctive mechanism

Revenge covers the head of those who dives into its waves. “In our unconscious there is reciprocity: it is necessary that the other felt what I feel, – explains the analyst Gerard Bonn. – As a child senses that we experience, cause a desire to repay others for his actions in relation to us, and for good and for bad. Further life is built as a reaction to stimuli that we received as an infant. This is the driving force of mental life. But it is necessary to distinguish between small revenge, impulsive reaction to the troubles of a place with great character. “

The latter arises from unbearable pain, from the deepest wounds.

“I loved Mark more than life, but I realized that he was cheating on me,” says 27-year-old Tamara. – A position in my company just vacated, and I offered him to move, and when Mark quit his previous job, I dissuaded the authorities from taking him. After that, I wrote a letter about him to his new girlfriend, and she left him. And now I’m suing because he owes me a lot of money. I believe that this is a fair punishment for lies and betrayal.

Inna Khamitova sees in the desire to take revenge being stuck in aggression, one of the stages of post-traumatic stress disorder: “I will find and punish the guilty!”. “The thirst for revenge can be considered natural,” says Inna Khamitova, “but if it is embodied in action, especially in a series of actions, this is a dangerous symptom: it means that the natural mental process has been suspended and the psyche has stalled.”

Transition difficulties

Why are we stuck at this stage? This is facilitated by the learned beliefs: an insult cannot be forgiven, one must be able to stand up for oneself, betrayal must be punished. Connected with emotions, such beliefs stimulate the transition to revenge, which in this case we see as an inevitable and just action.

“Revenge is a reaction to betrayal,” agrees Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko, but suggests clarifying when we regard the behavior of another as betrayal. “Sometimes we unconsciously feel someone or something as part of ourselves. For example, we perceive our husband as our continuation: he is my third hand, second head, wallet. When a part separates from us or behaves differently than it should, we want to destroy it.”

We perceive such behavior as a threat to life and integrity, and rage rises in the soul. “My sister’s wedding threw me off balance,” recalls 30-year-old Veronica. – We have a year difference, we have always been inseparable, and hobbies did not interfere with this. But when they signed, I realized that everything was serious, she was no longer mine, but his. It was as if they were cutting me in half, I felt sick, I had to leave. When she called to ask if I was okay, I vindictively wished her a quick divorce! It was wild and stupid, but at that moment I sincerely wanted it.

In search of justice

Sometimes revenge can really restore the self-esteem of someone who felt morally destroyed. For four whole years, Maria allowed herself to be humiliated by the man she was in love with: “The relationship was uneven, he moved away, then returned. One fine day, he announced that he was returning to his homeland to marry there. I got into his apartment through the balcony door, he left it unlocked. She crushed everything, broke the TV, broke the game console. And she left. It’s like a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders. I took revenge, I myself put an end to it.

But in many cases, revenge leaves a feeling of dissatisfaction, sadness, regret.

“I took revenge on my friend who left me by humiliating her. We met at a party, and I recounted to those present all the gossip that she spread about them. I will always remember her distorted face. I left in triumph, but her image haunted me for a long time, and the pain from the gap did not disappear, ”admits 49-year-old Oleg.

The avenger feels like a champion of justice. Some even explain their actions by caring for others: “I published his letters so that he would not deceive anyone else”, “I avenged the humiliation by telling his family the whole truth. Let them know with whom they live. But if you look, then why was it to endure humiliation? Why was it not to stop these attempts at once? Perhaps there were not enough resources for this … But then it turns out that the avenger partly takes revenge on himself – for weakness, fear, unpreparedness for a break …

The desire to repay our troubles does not end even with the death of the one who hurt us: after all, our feelings remain with us. “My stepfather abused me,” says 42-year-old Ekaterina. – When I grew up and told about it, my relatives did not believe me. For many years I tried to deal with my rage, including with the help of psychotherapy. When he died, I went to the cemetery and scratched out his eyes in a faience photograph. Mother and sister were horrified when they saw this. And I’m still angry.”

Poison without borders

Revenge can spread like an oil slick. “The avenger operates among shaky borders,” notes Tatyana Rebeko. “He doesn’t know exactly where he himself ends and another begins, where the offender ends and other people, such as his relatives, begin, and finally, where the past ends and the present begins.”

American psychologists Kevin Carlsmith, Timothy Wilson, and Daniel Gilbert have studied the emotional consequences of revenge for those who carry it out or carry it out. Their conclusion: there is a risk that revenge will keep the avenger in the memories of his suffering, make him a prisoner of the past.

The punishment imposed on the tormentor feeds in the victim the need to scroll through his experiences in his head. The idea that we will be comforted by revenge is “strikingly naive.

In fact, revenge is an irritation of one’s “I”. We scratch our wound endlessly, enjoying the excitement of the itch and feeding our humiliation.”

Who do we hurt more?

Vengeful thoughts have the ability to fill our entire inner world, to turn into the meaning of life. If the relationship with the offender is not over, revenge can turn into a vicious circle of mutual infliction of pain.

If “I want you to feel what I feel,” and I feel bad at the same time, then revenge will never bring the desired peace. “I made plans all night long, I couldn’t sleep,” “I was vomiting, I hadn’t eaten anything,” “A lump in my stomach grew every day,” say those who were possessed by a thirst for revenge. Self-deception lies in the fact that no matter what wounds we inflict on the offender, our own wounds will not heal from this. In essence, by surrendering to revenge, we give up ourselves.

Not a single revenge story ends “well”: Hamlet dies along with his whole family, Medea weeps over dead children, and the Count of Monte Cristo … It would be interesting to know what his fate was! True, Alexandre Dumas gives us hope by pointing out that his hero has learned to forgive and hopes to learn to love in the future.

“From the point of view of psychology, forgiveness is separation, drawing boundaries, recognizing where I end and where the other begins,” emphasizes Tatyana Rebeko. “That’s why forgiveness is the antidote to revenge.”

The path to self-healing

In order for the wound to heal faster, psychologists recommend treating yourself, working on the suffering experienced, not trying to punish the other. Gerard Bonnet speaks of “positive revenge”: “With such revenge, affect becomes a force directed towards creation; we move from guilt to self-assertion, from shame to pride, from sadness to joy.” But in order to achieve this, we need to put into words the damage that we have suffered so that it does not dominate us.

“The difficulty is to transform the energy of suffering into self-interest, which will allow us to stand up for ourselves in front of others, based on what is best in us.” Gerard Bonnet cites the case of Pierre, whom he consulted for many years.

As a child, Pierre was seriously ill. He believes that the recovered due to the fact that parents explain everything to him about his illness and treatment. Years later, he wanted to become a teacher because of his childhood comforting knowledge. But when he was close to the dream fulfillment, spiteful colleagues deprived him of the possibility to get a place in higher education.

His leader advised him to take revenge. But Pierre, on reflection, chose to step back and create his own institute, where he now teaches. The psychoanalyst calls this choice “successful revenge.”

The story of 33-year-old Anna could also be called: “The man I loved not only left me, but trampled me. For months I hated him. I thought about all the ways to get revenge: financial revelations, false rumors … In the end, I realized that the only thing that would truly console me was to grab his throat, destroy him physically, as he destroyed me mentally. But I couldn’t do this!

I did not stop hating him, but I realized that the evil he had done to me cannot be atoned for. I’m sure fate will play out on him. And I hope I see it. In the meantime, I decided to improve my life. I worked on the body, transformed myself. He did not destroy me, but only knocked me down. I brought myself back to life, and he cannot fail to notice this: three times a week we meet at the sports club. This is the sweetest revenge – I’m in great shape. And I smile!