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After one year, two or ten years of abstinence, the resumption of sexual life is sometimes difficult and often accompanied by anxiety and anxiety. How to overcome the crisis and return the pleasure?
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“It happened in July: after two years that I spent constantly returning my thoughts to my unsuccessful last novel, suddenly an unforgettable weekend: sex, caresses, mutual delight,” recalls 38-year-old Inessa. – A real holiday, two days of flying away. I forgot how great it is!
Andrei and I met on a forum on the Internet, he got divorced and, like me, was unhappy. We could mourn our past together, but at the first meeting in real life, we were physically drawn to each other, and there was no time for questions.
They seem to be lucky: most people have questions – at the moment when we give up sexual abstinence, regardless of its duration. Simultaneously with the returned physical attraction, a variety of fears appear.
Fear of failure
The prospect of resuming sexual life is associated not only with desire, but also with fear.
“We hardly forget disappointments and resentments, especially sexual ones, that we received in past relationships, and, of course, we are afraid that they will not be repeated,” explains systemic family therapist Laura Dalgatova. “In addition to this, the period of abstinence makes us more susceptible to the myths that society broadcasts about how we should be in bed and how we should behave there.”
Anxiety about your love role used to be primarily about men, but now it’s taking over women as well.
“Women’s fear of failure in bed is exacerbated by the cult of the body, about which they worry so much,” notes Gestalt and sex therapist Brigitte Martel. “It’s hard to date and have sex with someone when you think that only young, lean, toned bodies can cause physical attraction.”
How to take an exam
Meeting another is often perceived as a narcissistic test, a kind of transfer exam that must be successfully passed – and as quickly as possible. We proceed from an unconscious prejudice that it is not worth spending precious time getting to know each other in advance if continuation is not guaranteed.
But this is precisely what makes our ties unstable and fragile. “Modern lovers often have a chronometer in their heads,” notes psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. – Everything happens like at a casting: you need to be able to emphasize your merits, the date should go quickly, you should make the best impression.
This is highly troubling, as each participant knows they are playing a pre-determined role and finds it difficult to establish close relationships that involve trust, one of the prerequisites for a smooth transition to sex.
The first contact should not be loaded with too many meanings, Laura Dalgatova believes: “This is not the apotheosis and not an indicator of the prospects of relations, but the continuation of acquaintance and mutual recognition, rather a research project than a festive banquet. Moreover, mutual caresses do not necessarily have to end in sexual intercourse.
You may say you’re a little worried, but don’t get too caught up in the details. Otherwise, there is a chance to get carried away introspection
Therefore, it is not necessary to write scenarios in advance of how everything should go. Although sometimes it is difficult for us to get rid of the shadows of the past, however, sex with a new partner allows us to shed light on these very shadows.
Anton, 39, lived for seven years with a woman he describes as very demanding and thoughtful.
“I constantly felt like a schoolboy who is afraid to make a mistake. Eight months after our breakup, I met the exact opposite of my ex – a soft and sensual woman.
She noticed that I was concerned about my erection and how long I would last … And then, pointing to my penis, she said: “He does just fine without your help, like an adult.” For the first time in a long time, I made love with pleasure!”
Speak or remain silent
“Will I succeed in bed?”, “Will he notice that I haven’t had sex in ages?”, “Will I like his body, and he like mine?” …
These and similar questions torment those who have not had sex for a long time, on the eve of the resumption of sexual life. Should I tell my new partner about these concerns? Systemic family therapist Laura Dalgatova believes that if you talk about your worries and fears, it may help to reduce them. The only condition is not to behave like a child who is waiting for an adult to calm him down.
This is not about regret or admitting to failure. “You can say that you are a little worried, but don’t get into the details. Otherwise, there is a chance to get carried away with introspection, and then it will be a mental self-disclosure instead of a physical one, she says. – And the continuation of the phrase may be the words “… but I believe that together we will cope with everything.”
You can also respond to the recognition of a partner in fear. And then proceed to what you are together for!”
New sensory geography
Too often, in order not to leave the boundaries of well-known territory and give the impression that everything is under control, when we change partners, we perform the same love score again each time.
“To get a new partner after abstinence means to give yourself the opportunity to discover a new sensual geography and renew erotic impressions,” says sexologist Mireille Bonyerbal. “But only if you are psychologically ready for such discoveries.”
Sex with a stranger can liberate us, but with a loved one – especially for the first time – disappoint
41-year-old Larisa vowed to wait for “true love”, but resumed her sex life almost by accident: “It happened one evening with a colleague who I didn’t really like … After the corporate party, he took me home – that’s how it all happened ! It was a real flash of passion, I just do not find other words! I didn’t recognize myself.
I have always been very anxious, nervous, but this time it was as if I had been replaced, I obeyed his desire without looking back. I have never been so good! I think the reason is that I did not have any special feelings for a colleague. It was sex for the sake of sex – for him and for me – and it allowed me to go as far with him as I had never allowed myself before.
The spirit of adventurism facilitates sexual exploration. “Our sensitivity and sensuality are revealed more fully when we are free, passionate about the process and not concerned about the result,” emphasizes Laura Dalgatova. However, the higher the importance of relationships for us, the more difficult it is to take them lightly. For this reason, sex with a stranger can liberate us, but with a loved one, especially for the first time, it can disappoint.
Body in pleasure mode
A good attitude towards your body is one of the conditions for revealing sensuality and reprogramming after unsuccessful novels. “When you resume your sexual life, trust plays a major role,” emphasizes Mireille Bonyerbal. – It is impossible to feel pleasure or enter into an intimate relationship with another if you yourself are on the defensive.
The main question you ask yourself beforehand is: “What is my relationship with my own body?” The more you take care of it, listen to it and treat it in a friendly way, the more it “gets smarter” and the more confident we feel.”
In love, the body is a means to establish a tender and passionate connection with a partner. Therefore, sexologists recommend dedicating the days and hours leading up to a date to the emotional and physical preparation of the body. In the morning, waking up, you can afford to lie in bed, conjuring up erotic scenes, stroking your skin, feeling your own touch.
Body care with aromatic oils, creams also reinforces self-confidence. 42-year-old Evgenia, who has not had sex for two years, is convinced of this: “I do rock climbing, dance, swim. I have something to love my body for – for the freedom and pleasure that it gives me. When I meet someone again, it will be ready.”
Breathing intensifies desire
“Abdominal (diaphragmatic) breathing allows you to relieve tension and prepare the body for sexual relations,” says massage therapist and sexologist Martine Potantier. “By providing a deep relaxation of the pelvic organs, abdominal breathing promotes erections in men and makes women more receptive to caresses.”
1. First stretch and yawn, then lie on your back with your knees slightly bent and the soles of your feet flat on the floor.
2. Place your hands on your lower abdomen and feel your breath under your palms.
3. Before each new breath, try to complete each exhalation. Feel the air rise and fall to the very pelvis. You should have a pleasant feeling of relaxation, gradually covering the whole body. Martine Potantier also advises women to massage their breasts “to help your heart open.” “In women, the heart and mammary glands form a single whole. Such a sensual, but not at all erotic massage allows you to discover this part of the body associated with emotions and sexual desire,” she adds.