Restless child: love alone is not enough

Exaggerated expectations from adults, moral and physical overload, frightening news that a child hears on TV can make him anxious, suspicious and aggressive. Psychotherapist Iben Sandal talks about how parents can help children become calmer and more confident.

It started when Sofia was 4 years old. Half an hour or an hour before going to bed, my favorite time of the day, suddenly became a real torture. The girl reacted aggressively to attempts to put her to bed and even threw toys and other objects at her parents.

Every evening there were screams and cries in the house. This exhausted not only Sophia, but the whole family. Parents tried different strategies found on the web and in books, but nothing worked.

As time went on, Sophia’s condition worsened. As soon as her mother was going to the store, the gym or to meet her friends, the girl began to cry inconsolably. The climax was a phone call from the kindergarten: Sophia beat up another girl.

Parents could not understand the reason for the behavior, but they were very worried because their beloved daughter was suffering.

This example is far from unique. About 3% of children aged 3-17 in the US experience persistent anxiety, and one in seven children aged 2-8 are diagnosed with mental, behavioral and developmental disabilities. In Canada, stress levels among children have increased by 30% over the past 45 years.

Our children live in a competitive environment, they are constantly told that they must be the best in everything. Many parents are sure that only a heavy workload and high expectations from adults allow them to realize their potential.

There is another problem: children hear and know more than we can imagine. They don’t feel safe. Children regularly hear about terrorism, war and other terrible realities, not fully understanding what they heard.

This terrible TV

In Sofia’s family, the TV was constantly on, the parents watched the news and did not even think about protecting their daughter from them. They had dinner and played with her in front of the TV. From infancy, she absorbed and accumulated information that frightened her. The world seemed terrible to her, although she could not express it in words. She grew up, and the horror grew. She constantly experienced tension and felt fear instead of security.

Feeling safe

I advised to protect the child from TV news. Also, as often as possible, let the girl know that the house is a safe place where she can just be a carefree child. It was important for Sofia to know that her parents controlled the world in which she felt awkward and insecure. I also encouraged the family to have a daily ritual: dim the lights, nest pillows, read a book together, play games, or discuss the day’s events. Spending time with mom and dad without much fun and lessons. Just be yourself.

After a while, Sophia began to fall asleep normally again and is no longer afraid of her mother’s absence. She became a happy girl again, and her family even more united than before.