Rest apart: salvation or alarm?

For many couples, a joint vacation is an indicator that everything is in order in the relationship: they are interested in being together, they want to be close. Conversely, if partners want to swim in different oceans, most likely the relationship is in crisis. In Russia, the stereotype is quite common: if we get married, if we are a family, then we should be together everywhere — both at the dacha, and at a party, in the evenings at home watching TV. And, of course, vacation together. And parting, even for two weeks, is perceived very painfully.

“Rest and vacation are not the same thing. Holidays are time taken to rest. But whether a person will rest is a question, says psychotherapist Lev Chernyaev. — Everyone organizes the rest in their own way. Someone likes to lie on the beach, someone goes to the mountains. The fact that a couple is together and they are fine does not mean that they will be fine on vacation. ”

Moreover, the fact that people got married or live together does not mean that they are a couple. In this case, the issue of joint recreation fades into the background.

We are a couple?

Sometimes people no longer live by common interests, but they simply have nowhere to go from each other — for example, there is no other housing or the opportunity to rent an apartment. Sometimes people are saved in a marriage or relationship by running away from a parental home or former unions that have become unbearable. Or partners implement a joint project: raise children, pay mortgages, run a common business. In tandem, it is easier for them to perform their functions.

“There is a type of emotionally dependent relationship where people are together not because they love each other, but because it’s bad enough with each other to be moderately good,” explains Lev Chernyaev, “People are used to living badly, this is their usual way:“ did not live well, there is nothing to start. They are already accustomed to dreaming and telling stories to themselves and others that one day everything will change, everything will be different — the way they want. But this is a myth.»

In such families, there may be chemical dependence, for example, alcohol. This dependency is built into the relationship and «fixes» the pair in the dependency triangle. They don’t know how to live otherwise. To change this model, huge efforts are required, and often one cannot do without the help of a specialist.

There is a type of “conditionally healthy” relationship. They do not cling to each other for the sick, they are not afraid of loneliness, they have an understanding of autonomy. In such a pair, there is a horizontal relationship: no one dominates, no one feeds emotionally at the expense of the other. Their motto is: if I’m alone now, it’s because I want to be alone.

Everyone will have their own answer to the question: are we a couple? “But there are common signs: can partners share feelings and be heard? Is there any help? Do you need warmth? What is the sexual relationship? Sex is not the main indicator, but if it is not there at all, then it would be worthwhile to find out why, ”explains Lev Chernyaev.

View from the side

In each of the listed types of unions, their own attitude towards joint or separate recreation is formed. For a functional family, the fulfillment of the tasks of a common project comes to the fore, so partners can relax both separately and together. Everything depends on the goals. For example, the whole family can go to the sea, because it is important for children. Or one partner goes on vacation with children, and the second remains «on the farm.»

In a codependent relationship, the partner’s desire to leave alone is regarded as a disaster. The one who stays in every possible way prevents rest apart, and even if the partner leaves, he will certainly be present in his life with the help of calls, messages and frankly manipulative actions (for example, he will force him to return, seriously ill).

“It’s okay to think of a relationship as something voluntary. When partners, who until recently considered themselves a couple, suddenly go to different places at the same time, this is a kind of final chord: the couple is no more, ”says the psychotherapist. Perhaps they have moved into the category of functional unions that continue to implement a joint project. But true intimacy is gone.

Sometimes it is a separate vacation that helps to look at relationships from the outside, to ask yourself the very key question — are we a couple? It is more convenient to think about relationships if you get out of the constant presence nearby. Often it is the fear that a partner alone will understand something about a relationship that captures the one who is left to wait. He does not want to let another go solo.

“It is better to detect a crisis in a relationship in the early stages, when something else can be changed. Ask yourself: how do I want to live next? It is better to ask this question earlier than on your deathbed, when nothing can be done or corrected,” Lev Chernyaev is convinced. Such a «quarantine» can save a couple or help find yourself and listen to your desires. “Often people are in a constant rhythm, they fall into a state of trance and lose their sense of the sense of life. And then you need to rest to feel that «I live now.» Alone or together with someone — this is a personal choice of a person, ”the psychotherapist believes.

Do we love the same things?

Do partners need to like the same things in order to be together? For many, common hobbies and interests are an indicator of compatibility. And some decide to compromise: he loves climbing, she is afraid of heights, but she steps over herself and waits under a rock to be with her beloved together.

“If one is severely restrained in desires and everything is not to his liking, then why do this? Confirm that they are a couple? But this is not true. This is an imitation of proximity, ”explains Lev Chernyaev.

Sometimes a woman or a man proudly carries the banner “I am ready for anything for him or her”, it is important for them to hear approval from girlfriends or friends: they say, look what a good wife or good husband is.

“This is a story about pride, not about close relationships,” the psychotherapist is convinced. Shared values ​​are certainly an important component in a warm and trusting relationship. Whether a joint vacation will be a basic value depends on what the couple agreed on and what the partners agreed to: how much time they spend together, where and how they relax.

“It is important to be alone if a person recuperates in this way. Suppose a partner at work is tired of the communicative load, it would be good for him to go to a place where he will be silent, distracted from conversations. And then he can calmly meditate on a mountain or by a stream. You need to be able to slow down and calm down not only on vacation, but also during the day, ”advises the expert.

For some people, especially introverts, information fatigue can accumulate for a long time and at some point it will start to overflow. Someone deliberately arranges scandals to push the other away, but the reason is not in irritation with the partner, but in the desire to be alone. It is good if partners learn to communicate their needs in a more environmentally friendly way and agree on “commercial breaks”.

But is a separate vacation always so harmless for a couple? After all, it is not in vain that some are afraid to let go of a partner alone: ​​he will be in the midst of temptations, he can go for treason. It’s one thing if a man went fishing, it’s quite another if he went with friends to a five-star hotel, where on the beach there is nowhere for an apple to fall between skimpy bikinis. It is unlikely that the wife will decide that he is going for meditation.

“Sometimes a trip alone is a provocation, an invitation to clarify relations, a message to a partner: “We have something wrong.” Or the punishment of another and the sign: «Everything got me.» Perhaps it’s time to talk honestly about the well-being of your couple, its present and future, ”the expert believes.