Responsibility for parenting: what role each parent plays

The family is a dynamic, living organism that develops and changes. In order for changes to go in the desired direction, it is sometimes necessary to change something in oneself, change attitudes, acquire new skills. And independent work of someone alone is sometimes not enough.

Most often, it is women who take on the main burden, study special literature, attend courses and trainings in order to change family relations for the better and become a good parent for their child. However, if both partners pay attention to this and develop their thinking in this direction, learn new things, then they will be able to get an even larger result in raising children and building a strong, friendly family.

Anna Lebedeva, director of the International Erickson Coaching University, spoke about the role of each of the parents in the family and shared the secrets of how to convince a partner to go to training with you.

Fatherhood and motherhood

Each parent makes a special contribution to the upbringing of the child. For example, the father (or other significant older male adult) becomes the first and foremost man in a girl’s life. His image is example of ideal and imitation. In the future, the daughter will unconsciously look for a life partner similar to her father. His emotional care is very important in her growing up. Support, respect, love, spending time together — all this creates the basis for the formation of an adequate self-esteem of the daughter. Mom, in turn, lays the foundation for a girl’s life script.

In raising a boy dad is an example of masculinity. The son looks at your relationship with your mother, actions, words and, in general, your interaction with the outside world. The attitudes and principles of the father on a subconscious level can also become his values. Ideally, it is the father who teaches the child commitment, honesty, responsibility.

Mom shapes the boy’s life understanding of the opposite sex and lays the foundations of emotional intelligence. The child learns to show kindness, love and warmth. It is important to support the child at all stages of growing up. This will help him gain confidence and responsibility. 

Relationships between spouses and significant adults also contribute greatly to the upbringing of children. Together you show an example of agreement, support and warmth. 

What is important for both parents?

Be in dialogue with the child

Children do not see the price, but they understand the value. Teachers, coaches and teams in various sections will not give as much care and support as the right conversation within the family. Listening and being heard is the highest level of trust, if there is no prejudice and imposition in this dialogue. It is important that both parents learn to communicate with the child, be observant, and speak with words of support. 

Focus on your life

When we understand our own interests, parenthood harmoniously fits into our lives. All significant roles have enough space and degree to fulfill. With this approach, there is a space in which we can fully devote time to ourselves, the child and the partner. Children take key qualities from us and reproduce them in their reality, so it is important to shift the focus to ourselves. 

Look for a solution together

In the family, consent and the same opinion are important, which are transmitted by both parents to children. Family results are most effective when a “we” space is created, where there is both mom and dad. In this environment, partners learn to communicate with the child and with each other. The couple is building a joint philosophy that will reflect the values ​​of the family.

It is no secret that the relationship with our parents was far from a modern conscious union. Many negative attitudes still live in us and can unconsciously be transferred to the child. Therefore, it is in our interest to learn parenting in order to develop a strong family system. An excellent solution would be to go to training together, where in addition to new skills in communicating with a child, you can also see your repetitive scenarios, behavior patterns and partially work them out. 

Working on relationships is not ashamed, it does not hurt, and even, I would say, it is fashionable. Partners, parents who develop their relationship can adapt flexibly to changing environments.

Usually, someone alone takes on the work of developing a family union. But the work of one parent will not be as effective as working in a team with a partner. It is important to show your spouse that this is an important step towards family well-being. 

How to convince a partner to go to homeschooling?

1. The best way is to unobtrusively show your changes

Go through the training yourself and demonstrate the result by example. Show how you communicate with the child, how you manage to hear, talk, convince or calm him. What kind of warm feedback do you get from him and in general how do you feel after this study. So the partner will have a choice and self-esteem will not be undermined.

You simply highlight the request with which it will be effective to go to training. He will not feel pressured as if you were trying to force him. Show interest in your partner yourself, listen more, explore together. Keep in mind that young adherents of the acquired knowledge often cause rejection with their excessive enthusiasm and provoke the opposite reaction.

2. The result of training, training does not come immediately

But you should not wait for him to announce to your partner: “Look, it works!” Show your spouse that you appreciate his role in the family. Show him care and attention. But there is no need to press and «do good.» Ask yourself: what am I doing or not doing that makes my partner not accept my desires? The answer to this question will help change the attitude to the situation. Shift the vector from the desire to force and convince to respect and understanding. Believe me, with a high probability they will answer you the same.

3. Sincerity rules the world and your partner’s decision

Why come up with tricks when you can just talk? Explain why this step is important to you, why you want to do it together. Express out loud your feelings and desires to your partner. Listen carefully to his answer and try to hear it. If you see strong resistance and lack of understanding, then go back to point number 1.

Your family rules

The family grows and develops, the leading roles in the family change, the energy level rises and falls, so it is worth updating agreements annually, redistributing time and responsibilities. I suggest you create a family charter and include in it the basic and important rules of your family. Here are a few questions to help you with this:

• How do you usually spend the holidays? 

• How often are you ready to discuss the family budget? 

• How would you like to divide the responsibilities at home? 

• What are you dreaming about? How would you like to relax together? 

• What traditions do you need?

You may want to create a family value wheel as well. 

In pursuit of a picture of an ideal family, we often recall movie scenes where there are a lot of kind words, smiles, harmony and balance in relationships between relatives. There you can see beautiful breakfasts with cheesecakes and orange juice. Everyone is happy, they communicate a lot and warmly and love each other.

But in life there are not only bright holidays, but also weekdays. Children get sick, plans change quickly, and you need to maintain your inner stability, stop the family storm. In everyday life, the modern family needs incredible flexibility.

The values ​​for which you once decided to become a couple are important, on their basis the further development of the family union will be built. Therefore, the main thing is to see in time what you are missing, learn to listen, hear and talk. And also do not be afraid and do not be shy to gain new knowledge in this area if you feel that you need a fresh look at your family system.