Question: “Close older relatives (grandmother, mother, father) do not consider it necessary to treat me with respect (well, we are “ours” — what kind of offense can there be?). As a result, they push me around, they can tell strangers about personal situations that I would not like to advertise, speak derogatoryly about me in public and in private, and so on. It is very difficult to resist relatives — «native blood», respect for elders, and so on. How to handle the situation with dignity?
Dmitry Ustinov answers:
This is the most difficult thing — to acquire the authority of older relatives, because they know us «from the pot.» No matter how you are an adult, in the eyes of your mother and father, you and I remain a child. They remember our first steps, falls, lisping words and stupid deeds, which we did a lot in childhood. Our relations with our relatives have already been firmly established over many years, and it is not promising to remake them. Even if you have a very respectable age, high status and a serious position in society, for your mother you are still a son or daughter for life. What do you think, how do his parents address the president? That’s right, the answer is obvious, not «Mr. President» at all. Well, except with irony.
There is no need to build illusions, but it is possible to slightly correct the behavior of relatives if this is done correctly. If your parents are still able to listen to you, find an opportunity to have an educational conversation with each of them. It is important that it be separate, i.e. alone. One on one, without witnesses, people usually perceive important conversations better, they are not distracted by the attention of other people and the desire to play in public. This conversation should not look like education, but rather like a conversation — a request. The structure of the educational conversation is desirable as follows: «problematization — solution — fixing the agreement.» Problematization is a few phrases on the topic why some statements bother you in front of other people, how unpleasant it is for you, what you feel at this moment. The main task of this part of the conversation is to make the interlocutor think about this topic and make it clear that this is important to you. A decision is an expression of a request. It is important not to make a typical mistake in such «showdowns» — increased emotionality, which usually ruins all the good intentions of both parties in the bud. Therefore, it is necessary to communicate in this conversation with restraint, calmly, correctly and politely, immediately stopping the possible roll of your own irritation, especially if the situation is painful for you. According to the text you formulate what you want. For example — do not repeat a similar situation, do not advertise the details of your personal life, treat other people with respect, or something else. After the request was calmly conveyed, the agreement was fixed. This means waiting for certainty and consent from relatives. Ask to answer whether your interlocutor agrees or something is wrong? If the parent agrees, it is important to consolidate this agreement by saying it again, to make it clearer, not casually and casually — “yes, okay, okay”, but clearly, expanded and unambiguously expressed. Otherwise, this conversation will become unimportant and quickly forgotten.
If your educational conversations with your parents do not find a response, then it remains to perceive them as an occasion to work on yourself. That is, over his spiritual vulnerability, excessive sensitivity and dependence of self-esteem on the opinions of others. Give yourself the installation that parents are not chosen, and that in any case they should be grateful. And these unpleasant situations are a small additional price for the fact that they gave birth to you and raised you. In addition, you will have the opportunity to realize another great wisdom: «The best way to maintain a relationship with your parents is to live separately.»
We recommend Dmitry Ustinov’s trainings:
- THE ART OF SPEECH: rhetoric and public speaking
- WINNERS: The Psychology of Influence and Charisma
- BATTLE RHETORIC: The Word as a Weapon
- Storytelling in Russian. How to create and tell stories
Details by phone:
+7 (499) 705-5695
+7 (925) 602-4430