Self-esteem is felt in the body, felt in other people, but it is difficult to talk about it. What does “dignity” mean? And what does “worthy” mean? Who determines what is worthy, what is not, and by what criteria do we separate the first from the second? Columnist Ilya Latypov tells.
I listen to my feelings, sort out the words and phrases that come to mind. The phrase “Be above it, behave with dignity, don’t sink to his/her level!” pops up! Moreover, it emerges in the context of an insult to me by another person. I think that the idea of ”be above it!” – a great help just for those who like to humiliate other people. “I humiliated you, but don’t you dare defend yourself!” Or is it, from the childhood and teenage experience: “Well, what are you, offended, or what ?!”
The experiences of one woman once heard are built into the chain of associations due to the fact that she became like a “market boor” in some dispute and she is terribly ashamed because of this. The notorious “insulting the feelings of believers” and “insulting honor and dignity” also arise in my mind … Humiliation is a word and the experience behind it resonate with me as closely related to the concept of dignity. And another feeling is respect. It looks like the puzzle is starting to take shape.
I believe that the core of self-esteem as a complex experience is self-respect. What is respect as such? This is a feeling that arises when we notice in another person what we ourselves consider important and significant, what we ourselves strive for. This means that self-respect is all the same, only directed at one’s “I”. I respect myself for the fact that some of my actions and deeds correspond to my ideas about what is valuable.
I single out for myself two types of respect: basic, “advanced”, and acquired, “deserved”. Basic respect is the value of a person as such, confidence in his right to be, no matter what. A kind of “advance”: I recognize you as valuable and equal to myself, even before I met you.
Respecting another person, I do not offend him, I treat him as a value. This also applies to yourself. Self-esteem is based on this basic self-respect. Despite everything, I have the right to be, I have my place in this world, and no one has the right to deprive him of it. Trying to humiliate means trying to throw a person from this place into the dirt. Make him doubt that he is even entitled to anything. “Your seat is…”
“Be above it!” – good manipulation for those who like to insult themselves, but are afraid to face the consequences
Self-respect means to notice in yourself what you realize as valuable and important. First of all – your needs, emotions and life values. And for this it is necessary to feel them and imagine your own system of values, that is, to have personal ethics experienced in real experience. And it is woven from hopes and disappointments, shame and disgrace from failures, triumph from triumph; struggle for recognition and much more.
That is, this ethics inevitably changes over time, enriched by new experience. What seemed gold at one age turns to brass at another. Also good, but not gold.
Personal ethics is not invented – it is found in what we do and, sometimes, we say. Again I remember a woman who was worried that, protecting her little son from the aggression of some strange dad, she behaved “like a boorish market”. If “being liked by others” is higher in the ethical hierarchy than “protecting your children,” yes, then shame and loss of self-respect can arise. If your son is more significant, self-respect will only strengthen.
I think that in the awareness of this hierarchy lies the opportunity to resist manipulators who are trying to insult or humiliate us, and then, in order to protect themselves, devalue our indignation with such attempts: “They carry water on the offended”, “Be higher than this, forget it”, “You a reasonable person”, “I was just joking, don’t you understand jokes?”.
I want to answer: “You see, I don’t like it when they treat me like that. And I don’t care what you think you need to be above it. Trying to humiliate me – either stop it, or that’s it. It’s not possible with me. Even pretend. Even once.” “Be above it!” – good manipulation for those who like to insult themselves, but are afraid to face the consequences.
You can, of course, confuse self-respect and pride – so many do. But pride is defined in the body as a feeling that straightens and bursts from the inside, and self-respect is defined as a feeling of stability, core, firmness. I also think that self-respect is not only a consequence of certain actions, but also a cause, a guideline that forms an upward spiral: I do this because I will respect myself for it, and I respect myself for having acted this way.
There is such a fear inherent in people with a well-formed worldview and personal ethics: to betray oneself, that is, to do something that will make you stop respecting yourself. And this is a very powerful guideline that allows you to put a lot in its place in life. Ultimately, betrayal of oneself does not pay off with anything from the outside, deals with one’s own conscience, as a rule, are unprofitable for conscience.
However, I do not know people who would never step on the throat of their own song and not pretend to be. It is convenient to be with principles, but sometimes life throws up tasks in which there are no good solutions, and in any case, you will betray something in yourself. It happens.
And sometimes, even without such alternatives, we make a choice, for which our conscience then pays. He renounced a friend, because others condemn him, could not defend himself in some kind of conflict. We can recall many examples when we fail, in which it is self-respect that suffers. How then to restore it? The answer is simple: do what you respect. That’s all.
No need to try to fix the past. Moreover, one of the traits I most respect is the ability to admit one’s imperfection and, at the moment of failure or shame, to stand up and, experiencing shame or fear, still go in the direction that is important to you. That is why someone else’s failure or failure is not a reason for me to lose respect for a person. And if I do not deny respect to another person in such a situation, why should I deny myself this?
If you want to praise, pay attention to the qualities that the child showed in order to achieve something, and not to the achievements themselves.
What matters is not what you have, but what you have done. And if we continue further, it is important not so much what you did, but what qualities you showed to do it. Accordingly, success or failure become relative categories. More significant is how I went to success or failure, and how I perceived them: bloated with importance, fell into self-deprecation, simply rejoiced in victory, mourned, clenched my teeth and stood up after defeat.
Children, by the way, feel this difference well. If you want to praise, pay attention to the qualities that the child showed in order to achieve something, and not for achievements as such. Then he will learn to respect his effort, whether he succeeds or fails.
Self-respect makes it possible to accept criticism, because it ceases to be a humiliation, since failure is no longer a sentence, but simply an eventual fact. A kind of hierarchy of what deserves respect is built, from insignificant to important: possession of something – achievement of something – qualities that a person shows in his activity.
So, self-esteem is the ability to appreciate one’s own existence as such, to see in oneself what one considers significant, and the ability to focus on these values. However, it is not necessary to see something valuable in yourself. You can create it – just by doing what you consider worthy of respect. I don’t know of any other way to gain self-respect.