A Jewish mother comes out onto the balcony and shouts:
— Arkasha! Home!
The boy raises his head and shouts back:
«Am I frozen?»
— Not! Would you like to eat!
There is respect — no training needed
Materials from the School of Life website
My son very often takes the lead in choosing what to do. And if he is busy with something, then why on earth should he drop everything and run to the call of mom or dad? Will you run yourself if they call you like that? Are you inviting an adult to do the same? Or first ask if he can come now?
So if my son is busy with something, I always ask if he can come to me. Then he feels that his occupation is also important for me. Just as important as it is for him. He knows that he is considered. In fact, it is this that matters, and not what he does. My son also almost always participates in what I do without any coercion or involvement. To the best of his ability, he cleans potatoes, carrots, serves pillows, makes the bed, programs and turns on the washing machine, saws boards, cuts, paints, examines “germs in a microscope”, stirs the mixture for the self-leveling floor in a bucket, mixes the dough for pancakes, etc. P. That is, he does almost the same thing as me, only without my requests, tasks and control over their implementation.
And when I do “my” things, I, of course, pay attention to the child. I reckon with him. I take into account his interests. And he, oddly enough for a child, begins to reckon with me. And even take into account my interests. And if we are preparing to go for ten days to the lake 500 km from Moscow, then we get together. And he catches such a buzz in this that I don’t need to force him to do anything. And how he loves to use an ax to cut knots and twigs (he started it at the age of 3,5), to make and maintain a fire in a fire! And cook food on the fire! Of course, he sometimes gets distracted. Of course, it slows down the preparation process or the work itself. Of course, he sometimes peels a carrot so that a thin stick remains from it. Of course, some of the dough may spill, and the pancake will turn out to be too big or small. But what a thrill from all this! Both for me and for him. Without any training.
Respect and training
Respect involves seeing the other person as a subject, and training, rather, as an object. This is the basis for a fairly widespread protest against the use of training methods for close, respected and beloved people. The protest is generally correct, clarifications are needed in the details, if only because there is a fact: it is the talented trainers who have very strong, close and sincere relationships with close people. It seems that training does not exclude love and respect, and with skillful use can be a help to them. See →
Why don’t they respect me?
Katherine Quals. The Joy of Education book. How to raise children without punishment
“Jack, come here now and put your bike away! I can’t get through because of him.»
«Pick it up, dad. I don’t have time,” Jack replies.
“When I was a child,” my father grumbles, “I respected my parents.”
We should give up the right to demand one-sided respect. In the bicycle example, it was important for the father, first of all, to show who is older than whom, thereby emphasizing superiority over his son. We grew up in an environment that demanded from us unquestioning obedience to our elders. Mutual respect existed only among people who enjoyed the same rights in the sphere of influence on others or who occupied an equal position in society.
Children today feel quite equal with us, they tend to question our demands for one-sided respect. Unfortunately, when communicating with children, we often forget to show our respect for them. For example, today’s children will feel disrespected if we do the following:
- shout at them;
- enter their room without knocking, humiliate them in front of friends, beat them;
- talk down to them;
- kiss and squeeze them when they don’t want to;
- say one thing and do another.
Mutual respect is necessary to maintain a loving atmosphere in the family. If your child does not feel that you respect him, then all your efforts to gain his support will most likely go to waste. The respect of a child must be earned. The best way to teach children to respect your rights is to learn to respect their rights. If you want your child to knock on the door before entering your bedroom, then show your respect by knocking before entering his room.