I have heard the idea several times that psychologists say that emotions should not be contained, but should always be expressed. It turns out a kind of dream of a psychopath: if you feel something, you dump it on another person, and let him flounder there with these emotions of yours, you did the right thing, “as psychologists say.” Restraint is bad, it is “egotism” (do not confuse it with selfishness), it is hypocrisy, and in the conflict “politeness versus sincerity” must always win sincerity (often understood as outright rudeness: no, well, what — the goat must know that I I think he’s a goat!).
Perls’ well-known «Gestalt Prayer» is understood in the same style: «I did not come into this world in order to meet your expectations.» Somehow, it is very easy to lose sight of the next line: «And you are not in order to match mine.» And it turns out that «if you don’t like me, get out of here.» The problem is that if the other is also not obliged to meet our expectations, then he can do well, not at all the way we want. And he has every right to do so.
In general, having got «to the people», some psychological principles have turned into wonderful «justifications» for psychopathic behavior in which other people with their feelings, experiences and motives do not exist. There is only me, my experiences and my psychological health, which I will protect at the expense of others. That’s what psychologists say!
Behind this «long live the expression of emotions» what precedes this very expression is lost. Emotions are the first thing to be aware of. Realize, and only then think about what to do with them. If we talk about controlling emotions, then these are not attempts to suppress or ignore them, but control over their expression. The chain of awareness/expression of emotion looks something like this:
Looks bulky? Yes, if by awareness of feelings we mean the process of scrupulous analysis/introspection. But with sufficient development of attention to yourself and your feelings, the first two stages do not require much conscious effort, as well as expression. The points requiring the most conscious presence are often «to express or not?» and “and if so, in what form should it be expressed?”
Tell him about your anger or not? Whether to talk about the fact that such sex does not suit me, or not? I want to tell the boss everything that I think about his tyranny, because I’m terribly angry with him …
For example: “I am very angry (feeling) with him because he constantly interrupts me, addresses me in a diminutive form — I can’t stand it! — and almost directly says that he is more competent in all matters than I (sense objects). It is tempting to call him a goat and a moron, to point out to him his place and his own mistakes (an impulse caused by feeling). But this is an important person and I will need his connections. Then what is more important for me: my ego, or his connections that will help me achieve my goals? And why should I “educate” him about his own shortcomings — this is unlikely to make him change (consciousness of choice).” The choice here is not obvious, and it is individual for everyone. It is important that this choice is understood.
“What do I want to achieve by expressing to another what I feel, and choosing a specific form for this?”. “I do it because I feel like it” works well in a situation with the expression of positive feelings, and even then not always — your feelings can scare the other or be excessive (as the love of some grandmothers or mothers can be excessive, suffocating). “I do this so that he knows and feels what is happening to me.” This is a different spread, and it includes both a message about what I feel and the emotions that are being experienced at this moment. That is, a dispassionate “I’m mad at you” does not work. But the evil and emotional «I’m angry !!!» — much more effective, allowing both the emotion to splash out and the message to be conveyed. Another thing is that it is not yet clear why you are angry and what to do with your anger.
So, by restraint, I mean a conscious choice not to express all the emotions experienced at the moment, or to soften their expression, dictated by the needs that are relevant and accessible to consciousness. Everything else has nothing to do with her.
There’s a difference between «restraint» out of fear of facing a backlash, and reticence out of knowing the importance of not throwing everything into the shower. In the first case, it is just fear, and there is no freedom of choice here. Restraint is not such a situation when we are not aware or try to ignore the current emotional state. Until you decide what is happening to you, you can’t do anything sensible with yourself. It is important to recognize that, for example, “I feel dislike for all Caucasians, and for this one too.” That «I now feel a terrible resentment against him, and I want to take revenge.» As long as there is “no, no, I am tolerant of everyone” or “yes, I never take offense!” — Ignored feelings will slip through. Compare: «I’m not offended, I’m just telling you everything I think about you!» and “I am very offended by you now, and I just want to tell you about it. I’m not ready to listen to your arguments. Or “yes, I have a negative attitude towards Caucasians (Jews, “Banderites”, blacks …), and I am aware of this prejudice. So I’ll just listen.»
With restraint, it is important not to confuse emotional poverty, stinginess in expressing feelings in general. Conscious restraint is always situational and depends on the context: in what situation and in communication with whom. «Restraint» with absolutely all people and in any context is possible only with the constant suppression of one’s natural reactions, and is fraught with a total emotional outburst.
Someone may call restraint “hypocrisy”: they say, if you are angry, then you need to express all the anger to the fullest. To the point of destruction? What if you feel anger towards a person whom you respect at the same time? You can get angry at the people you love. Hypocrisy is when you present another instead of one. Restraint is an expression of this or that emotion with respect for the one to whom it is addressed. For some, rudeness is the height of sincerity.
In a state of passion or close to it, such an analysis of one’s emotional reactions is not possible, but it can be done after the fact to turn a typical violent scandal into a real experience that changes attitudes or perceptions. You can analyze your own irrational thoughts / attitudes that led to such a violent emotional reaction (which a cognitive psychotherapist will do), you can learn not to be afraid of your own strong feelings and not be afraid to express them (this is closer to Gestalt therapists) — much more is possible. But — there is always a choice point. And the choice to hold back emotions is not always “wrong”. For example, the problem of people with a hysterical temperament lies precisely in the fact that they cannot hold back their emotional reactions, they immediately carry them, and carry them in such a way that it is impossible to stop at this moment, and after it the firewood can be broken so that the relationship is restored are not subject. And then restraint can be learned.
The Internet provides much more opportunities to make a choice. When someone starts insulting on the Internet — whether it’s a regular troll, or an agitated opponent (especially on political issues), there is always a pause in this case, allowing you to ask yourself the question: what, in fact, do I want from this conversation? To take out the anger that arose in response to insults? Throw out resentment? To prove to an opponent (often a complete stranger) that he is wrong? Or agree on something, convey your point of view? It is the definition of what I want that affects whether I will express my emotions or not, and if so, in what form. Whether to skip insults and attempts to piss off deaf ears, as not related to reality, concentrating on the essence, or to take your soul away and stop communicating. There is always a pause and an opportunity to determine what is more important for me now in the case of a virtual conversation. Another thing is that we often do not use it.
And now one very important point. If you restrained or held back your emotions once or twice (expressing them more restrained than you would like), realizing why you are doing this, this will not affect your health and psyche in some terrible way, stress for the body is not new. If you do this all the time, then the question arises as to what is happening in your relationships and with your reactions? Or, for example, are you not paying too high a price in order not to be, for example, insulted or humiliated?
Let me summarize a little. It’s not about holding back or not holding back your emotions. And in being aware of what and why we are doing when we choose this or that course of action. This is the freedom to express emotions. Because when it “carries” and “I couldn’t stop myself” — this is definitely not about freedom.