Respect for boundaries and personal territory

​​​​​​​The rule of territory is the basis of the Family Constitution. In accordance with it, everything that happens in the family is divided into three territories: mine, yours, ours. Family territory is not only property, time, friends and other values ​​​​that are in personal or common possession, it is also topics (questions): personal or general topics. The general theme concerns both, the personal theme concerns only one.

You can have your own, separate. Each of us has our own personal: our own personal territory, our own personal time, our own personal things and affairs.

What am I thinking now? — It does not concern you, it is mine, personal. What does the girl have in her purse? “It doesn’t concern you, it’s hers, private. Where will Vasya go after work? — And what is your business? This is his personal.

Your territory, your concerns. On his personal territory, each person takes the responsibility to solve all his problems on his own.

If this is my territory, no one owes me anything, no one is obliged to solve my problems. You can ask, demand and be offended if you were not given what you wanted — you have no right.

On my territory, I am the master and have the right to completely personal free decisions.

What to watch on TV for a wife in the absence of her husband or whether to write down the daily routine in the morning is not a question of the husband, this is the territory of the wife. What ue to wear to her husband when he goes to the store is his question.

In a territory that is not yours, the owner is not you. In a good family, it is customary to discuss everything, you can discuss anything, but if the territory is not common, not yours, your opinion is in the background. Respect the territory and rights of the other.

If the question concerns women’s affairs, for example, questions about cooking, the husband can express his intelligent opinion, but no more. If the question concerns men’s affairs, for example, questions about the husband’s work, the wife can express her personal opinion, but God forbid something more than that. How to make sure that you are still listened to, and not dismissed? See «Give Me Five Minutes».

If this territory is neither mine nor common, but yours, I cannot press, interfere, demand explanations, I can only make requests and mild personal opinions. If, after the discussion, your opinion was not taken into account, you have no right to be offended. Thank you for inviting me to the discussion. If the territory is not common, it is impossible to care for and do good to another without demand and against his desire. We do not host on foreign territory.

If you want to increase your presence in the family, take on more tasks and responsibilities↑. You do more, take on work and responsibility — you acquire more rights, you become big.

Is it possible to lose the right to your territory? — Yes, you can. If you stop serving yourself on your territory and hang your problems on others, they can use their right to acquire rights and declare this part of your territory to be common, or even theirs. You stop caring and answering — you lose your rights, you turn into a small one, no matter how big you are.

On a common territory, we must resolve all issues together.

How to determine whose territory it is?

Usually people just agree on this in advance. Reasons — who wants to do what more and who can do what more.

For example, women’s territory is the kitchen and relationships with relatives. Men’s — finance and repair.

Often the territory is mine or yours because it happened historically, and without great need it is better not to change it. In other cases, it is possible and necessary to negotiate, considering the grounds and thinking about expediency. See Right to acquire rights

How to make the question stop being general and become yours personally?

If you want to make the question cease to be common and become personally, take all the cares for yourself and make it so that others do not have any troubles and troubles. (See Right to Purchase Rights) If someone is suddenly unhappy, ask the other party to prove that your actions really cause them trouble and damage, and not just glitches and whims. See General or Private

Come visit me!

Your personal territory has a downside, it is its separateness. Everyone respects you and they don’t creep in on you, it seems to be fine, but when no one comes to you anymore, it’s sometimes already sad. Defending your borders, it is also useful to take care that people want to come to you, so that you and your territory are attractive to others.

And it is even more pleasant when you become so necessary and authoritative for people that they will ask you to influence them: prompt them with decisions, advise, teach … In general, influence. If people see that your influences are beneficial, they will ask you for it and thank you when you do it.

How nice it is to receive feedback on Psychologos: “Please influence us for many more years of life!!! God bless you!!!»

How nice it is for parents to hear from their children: “Thank you for our upbringing. The only thing — they could be stricter!