Resilient: How to become more resilient

According to the American Psychological Association, there are several factors that distinguish resilient people:

– They have a “support group”: people they trust, who love them and are always ready to support.

They know how to set realistic goals and achieve them.

They have developed communication and problem solving skills.

They control their emotions and impulsive desires.

They feel good about themselves and are confident that they can cope with life’s difficulties.

Based on my experience with clients, I can add a few more characteristics to this list that are characteristic of those who show resilience. Such people:

are generally more optimistic.

see more choices and are more resourceful.

– recognize that change is an integral part of life and that things don’t always work out as planned.

– focus on what they can really control, and direct energy to change themselves.

– Accept help from others.

The good news is that resilience can be developed. And here’s how.

1. See failures as opportunities for growth.

It is important to learn to treat failure as a valuable lesson. Remembering that black streaks in life are normal and inevitable, you can not take them as something personal – punishment or proof of your failure – and not blame yourself.

2. Create your “support group”

Our resilience is largely due to the people who support us. Work on relationships by keeping in touch with old friends and making new ones by participating in social or religious life, various circles, sections, interest groups.

3. Don’t ask why, ask how?

Very often, the question of why something bad happened is simply impossible to answer. But many still engage in a fruitless search for answers and, as a result, wallow in anger, guilt, and depression. The question to really ask yourself is, “How can I deal with this?”

4. Control your emotions

An important component of psychological stability is the ability to control and regulate your emotions and mood. Strong experiences – anger, sadness, fear – prevent you from thinking clearly, soberly assessing the options available and making informed decisions.

Resilient people know how to control their emotions so that they do not interfere with their focus on business. However, they do not suppress these experiences, but find healthy means to express them. They know how to calm down and relax through creative hobbies, sports or meditation.

5. Stop feeling sorry for yourself

To be more resilient, it is important to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Try to see yourself as a person who can cope with any difficulties. By replacing self-pity with compassion, you will understand that everyone has difficulties, and stop comparing your problems with others.

6. Remind yourself that you are stronger than you think.

Resilient people don’t see problems as insurmountable: they believe they can handle any challenge. How successfully you overcome obstacles depends largely on how you perceive these obstacles.

My favorite confidence building exercise is to make a list of all the challenges you’ve already overcome. For most, it will turn out to be quite long, and it will include both real tragedies, such as the death of loved ones, and minor troubles, like a dent in a car.

Even if you dealt with past problems in less than optimal ways, you still accumulated a wealth of experience that will tell you what is worth doing and what is not. It is very important to remember that you are actually stronger than you think.

7. Think not about problems, but about how to solve them

Another way to increase your mental resilience is to focus not on difficulties, but on possible solutions. By endlessly “chewing” problems, you only exacerbate the situation.

Anxiety and fruitless thinking usually do not contribute to flexible thinking and creative problem solving. If you find yourself “fixated” on overthinking things, switch to finding a solution or asking for advice from someone you trust.

8. Don’t Forget About Humor

Can you laugh at yourself or your problems? Humor can help overcome the most difficult periods in life.

Humor has been cited as one of the top five ways to build resilience: laughing in the face of adversity helps relieve pain, both physical and mental.

9. Remember: you are not only your problems.

It is important to remind yourself that your life and yourself are much bigger than your problems. You can not always control what is happening, but it depends on you how you will react.

About the Author: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience.