“I asked him to help in one important matter for me, but he forgot. Thinks only of himself. It’s a shame … «Familiar, isn’t it? This emotion is more complicated than it seems. And if we want it not to cause discomfort either to us or to loved ones, it is worthwhile to figure out why resentment arises and how to deal with it. Psychologist Anna Sokolova will help us with this.
Resentment. Interestingly, in its origin, this word literally means «to deprive of attention.» We feel resentment when someone important to us does not take us, our feelings and needs into account.
Another resentment is closely related to the perception of the situation as unfair. Remember how children blow sponges: «This is not cheeeee.»
Resentment arises when our expectations are at odds with reality. I expect you to remember my birthday. I expect you to take care of me. I generally expect a lot of things, and you do nothing of it. How can you not be offended?
It is important to understand that resentment is a composite emotion that contains disappointment, anger and fear. That is, by and large, resentment is anger that remains inside, because we are afraid to express it directly.
Therefore, these feelings arise when we perceive the offender as stronger, superior to us, often not realizing that we are offended from a weak, childish position.
This is such a passive form of protest, our attempt to get out of the conflict without defending our interests, but without giving up either. This is how we cling to self-respect.
An offended person expresses his dissatisfaction through a dejected look, silence, unwillingness to communicate, sarcasm, but without an honest and direct conversation about his needs. Expecting that the other will understand everything and fix everything. Needless to say, this often does not happen?
Good and bad
Yes, like any emotion, resentment contains important information about ourselves and the world around us. Listen to it and you will learn a lot about yourself. About your needs, boundaries, expectations, relationships with others. Behind it, you can see your other emotions that the offense hides.
However, the way people deal with resentment — withdrawing, keeping it in themselves — has a number of negative consequences.
1. If it remains completely inside, it causes emotional and physical harm to a person, but does not have a strong effect on the offender. This in itself is destructive.
2. Suppressed resentment leads to a gradual deterioration of relations — it cuts off communication between people, and further the likelihood of misunderstandings increases.
3. Grievances tend to accumulate and turn into a long-term state. Then the character can deteriorate and a sarcastic hostile attitude towards people can develop, which affects other relationships. Unpleasant consequences for health may occur — high blood pressure, headaches, decreased immunity, etc.
Therefore, it is important to listen to resentment and not suppress it.
How to deal with resentment?
To begin with, it is important to understand it. And to separate constructive offense from non-constructive. This is not so easy to do, so first it is important to calm down, take a deep breath, look at the situation from the side of the observer and ask yourself a series of questions.
• What are your needs (eg, attention, support, acceptance) behind the hurt? Can you help yourself here? Or should you directly tell the other person what you need?
• Did they intentionally offend you? Or does the situation only reflect the limitations of the other person and his need to satisfy his own needs?
• Have your boundaries been violated? Agreements are not fulfilled, offensive behavior is shown, and so on?
Perhaps resentment signals that something is wrong in the relationship. But it is also possible that your expectations from the relationship and from the other person are too high. Remember that resentment often puts us in a childish position, waiting for someone else to come along and solve our problems. And the needs of others are often not taken into account.
Therefore, expanding your perception of the situation, matching your expectations with reality and taking responsibility for your life will help dispel imaginary resentment.
If you feel that your offense is justified and the person really behaved incorrectly, then it is important to express your needs in an open dialogue, see your contribution to the situation, and hear the needs of another. And try to understand each other.
And further. Pay attention, do you tend to be offended over trifles often? “They didn’t look like that,” “they didn’t say that.” If so, perhaps you perceive this world as hostile, you are not confident in yourself, you feel your “I” as vulnerable and vulnerable. Then that’s something to work on. To know and strengthen your «I» in order to feel the strength in yourself to cope with this life and accept it and other people as they are.