Reproaches and accusations are forbidden!

When we are dissatisfied with something, we want to find the culprit in this — and it does not matter if we are right or not. People who think and act in this way often throw accusations around — not real, not serious deliberate accusations ↑ — but small injections, reproaches-accusations, everyday accusations, behind which there is nothing but internal discontent, irresponsibility, general negativity and low culture of their author.

Domestic accusations have many manifestations — attacks, reproaches, slanders, censures, reproaches, petty reproaches, expressions of dissatisfaction: “You always! Why do you? Because of you!».

The wife broke the cup, she reproaches her husband: “It’s because of you! It was you who distracted me!” Husband’s answer: «Your armless, everything always falls out of your hands.» Then he turns without looking and hits the shelf: «Damn … I hit because your master nailed the shelf and hung the microwave in the wrong place.» The day ends with the final: “The water from the bath overflowed because I warned you that I was going to swim, but you didn’t follow.”

Listening to such conversations of adults, children learn accusations. The situation on the playground: a boy calls a girl to play, she runs past the swing and is knocked down by another swinging girl. The third kindergarten girl was instantly right there: “It was you who fell because of Seryozhka!”

Reproaches and accusations are primarily a manifestation of bad manners, sometimes internal problems, in any case, frequent causes of quarrels and conflicts. Everyday accusations can be academically defined as a thoughtless laying of blame on another, but it is easier to call them conflictogens and dirt in communication. With any accusation, it is easy to answer the question «Why?» and it is difficult to answer the question: «Why?» — if, of course, you answer thoughtfully and honestly. Vivid accusations can attract external sympathy to you, but they kill good relations between you. Thoughtful accusations can be a well-deserved punishment for the offender, but thoughtless ones cause only protest and mutual accusations. If you strike with accusation, you receive a mutual response to your blow. Educated people with good, especially close, relationships with each other do not use everyday accusations.

Reproaches in a good family are forbidden. Fully. There can be no reproach either against the husband or against the wife. If women are attentive and seriously care about relationships in the family, they record their conversations with their husband on a dictaphone. And then they listen in — were there reproaches and accusations there?

Dear women, this does not mean that the husband is sinless, not at all. If a question arises, you (for example) without reproach sit next to him and say: “Darling, I have a question for you to discuss.” This is not a reproach, this is a question, this is a proposal that you consider it necessary to discuss. The style of the discussion can be different: the discussion can be soft and warm, the discussion can be extremely tough, ultimatum — any. But these are not reproaches that are thrown, these are questions that are put up for discussion. And now the man understands: this will not resolve, the question has been raised, and no other topics will be discussed, because the issue needs to be resolved. And then — discuss and agree on the future.

There may be other options: requests and suggestions, a description of one’s condition, the main thing is to understand: reproaches are impossible, but instead of accusations and reproaches, there are many other, quite acceptable ways to reach out to a person nearby. How can we really agree on this? See Family Constitution

What instead of accusations?

If you can achieve at least something by talking, then instead of accusations, it is better to use a constructive one, primarily requests and suggestions. Instead of “Why are you sitting here, not helping me in the kitchen ?!” it sounds better: “Please help me in the kitchen, we will cook breakfast faster!”. Heavy «Because of you, we were late!» can be replaced with: «I have a request for you — next time prepare all your things in advance so that we are not in such a hurry.» In communicating with women and children, I-messages work well, but if the regular situation has changed into a more difficult one, it makes sense to use competent criticism schemes and an algorithm for talking about difficult relationships. See →

How to wean yourself from accusations?

Weaning ourselves from reproaches and accusations is really difficult, and the main difficulty is that we simply do not notice them in ourselves. We just said about our dissatisfaction, for us it’s natural like “sharing”, but we didn’t think about the fact that for a person nearby this is a reproach. If we do not notice what and how we say, we can read as many clever articles as we like, but we will not change. What to do?

The first is that it is still possible for an elementary educated person to wean himself from obvious and habitual accusations (and most of us have such). Make yourself a list of your “Well, why are you like always?”, “How many times do you have to repeat”, learn all these formulations and hang them in a conspicuous place (maybe in the kitchen?) As a reminder to yourself. Additionally, it is useful to ask someone from relatives or friends to follow you.

Secondly, you need to go to a training where you will receive the necessary knowledge, support and motivation to work with yourself. If you live in Moscow, come to Sinton for Communication Mastery.

The third is the most serious approach. Get on the Distance, a system of step-by-step personality development. You will work for six months, you will become a different person, your communication and your whole life will change. At the Distance, learn to notice everything that you say and do, master the “Good” exercise, stop getting angry in vain, become the Sun and improve relationships with loved ones.

How to teach loved ones to communicate in the framework of syntonic communication

Teaching loved ones to communicate within the framework of syntonic communication is not an easy task, often leading to increased tension and conflicts.

One of the students of the University writes: “From the beginning of my studies, I energetically, went ahead like a bull on a red rag to “help” my wife. He explained that she lives incorrectly, and here she speaks conflictogens. If she suddenly deigned not to understand and not want to do something, then she vigorously cursed … ”- you understand that this did not bring anything good, except for the complication of relations. The most terrible conflictogen is an indication to another of his conflictogens!

At the same time, this problem is not a dead end, it has a solution. If you love your loved ones and really want to help them, everything is in your hands! See →