Reorientation of the purpose of the «struggle for power»

The goal of the child’s behavior is influence (struggle for power)

«Turn off the TV! Michael’s father says. — It’s time to sleep». “Well, dad, let me watch this program. It will be over in half an hour,” says Michael. «No, I said turn it off!» the father demands with a stern expression. «But why? I’ll only watch fifteen minutes, okay? Let me watch and I’ll never sit in front of the TV until late again, ”objects the son. Dad’s face turns red with anger and he points his finger at Michael, “Did you hear what I told you? I said to turn off the TV… Immediately!”

Reorientation of the purpose of the «struggle for power»

1. Ask yourself: “How can I help my child express himself in this situation?”

If your children stop listening to you and you can’t influence them in any way, then there is no point in looking for an answer to the question: “What can I do to take control of the situation?” Instead, ask yourself this question: “How can I help my child express themselves in this situation in a positive way?”

Once, when Tyler was three years old, I went shopping with him at the grocery store at about half past five in the evening. It was my mistake, because we were both tired, and besides, I was in a hurry to get home to cook dinner. I put Tyler in the grocery cart in the hope that it would speed up the selection process. As I hurried down the aisle and put groceries in the cart, Tyler started tossing everything I’d put in the cart. At first, in a calm tone, I told him, «Tyler, stop it, please.» He ignored my request and continued his work. Then I said more sternly, «Tyler, STOP!» The more I raised my voice and got angry, the more unbearable his behavior became. Moreover, he got to my wallet, and its contents were on the floor. I had time to grab Tyler’s hand as he lifted the can of tomatoes to drop over the contents of my wallet. In that moment, I realized how difficult it can be to restrain yourself. I was ready to shake my soul out of him! Fortunately, I realized in time what was happening. I took a few steps back and started counting to ten; I use this technique to calm myself. When I was counting, it dawned on me that Tyler in this situation seems somehow completely helpless. First, he was tired and forced into this cold, hard cart; secondly, his exhausted mother rushed around the store, choosing and putting purchases that he did not need at all into a cart. So I asked myself, «What can I do to get Tyler to be positive in this situation?» I figured the best thing to do would be to talk to Tyler about what we should buy. “Which food do you think our Snoopy would like best – this one or that one?” “Which vegetables do you think dad would like best?” “How many cans of soup should we buy?” We didn’t even realize we were walking around the store, and I was amazed at what a helper Tyler was to me. I even thought that someone had replaced my child, but I immediately realized that I myself had changed, and not my son. And here is another example of how to give your child the opportunity to really express himself.

2. Let your child choose

«Stop doing it!» «Get moving!» «Get dressed!» «Brush your teeth!» «Feed the dog!» «Get out of here!»

The effectiveness of influencing children weakens when we order them. Ultimately, our shouts and commands will lead to the formation of two opposing sides — a child who withdraws into himself, challenging his parent, and an adult, angry at the child for not obeying him.

In order for your influence on the child not so often to be resisted on his part, give him the right to choose. Compare the following list of alternatives with the previous commands above.

• “If you want to play with your truck here, then do it in a way that does not damage the wall, or maybe you should play with it in the sandbox?”
• “Now will you come with me yourself or should I carry you in my arms?”
• «Will you get dressed here or in the car?»
• «Will you brush your teeth before or after I read to you?»
• «Will you feed the dog or take out the trash?»
• “Will you leave the room yourself or do you want me to take you out?”

Having received the right to choose, children realize that everything that happens to them is connected with the decisions that they made themselves.

When giving a choice, be especially prudent in the following.

• Make sure you are willing to accept both choices you offer.
• If your first choice is “You can play here, but be careful, or would you rather play in the yard?” — does not affect the child and he continues to play carelessly, invite him to make another choice that will allow you to intervene in this matter. For example: “Will you go out on your own or do you want me to help you do it?”
• If you offer to make a choice, and the child hesitates and does not choose any of the alternatives, then it can be assumed that he does not want to do it himself. In this case, you choose for him. For example, you ask: «Would you like to leave the room, or would you like me to help you do it?» If the child again does not make a decision, then it can be assumed that he does not want to choose any of the options, therefore, you yourself will help him out of the room.
• Make sure your choice has nothing to do with punishment. One father, having failed in the application of this method, expressed his doubts about its effectiveness: «I gave him the opportunity to choose, but nothing came of this venture.» I asked: “And what choice did you offer him to make?” He said, «I told him to stop cycling on the lawns, and if he doesn’t stop, I will smash that bike on his head!»

Providing a child with reasonable alternatives takes patience and practice, but if you persist, the benefits of such an educational technique will be enormous.

For many parents, the time when it is necessary to put the children to bed is the most difficult. And here try to give them the right to choose. Instead of saying, «It’s time for bed,» ask your child, «Which book would you like to read before bed, about the train or about the bear?» Or instead of saying, «Time to brush your teeth,» ask him if he wants to use white or green toothpaste.

The more choice you give your child, the more independence he will show in all respects and the less he will resist your influence on him.

Many physicians have taken PPD courses and, as a result, have been using the method of choice with their young patients with great success. If the child needs an injection, the doctor or nurse asks which pen he wants to use. Or this choice: “Which bandage would you like to put on — with dinosaurs or turtles?” The method of choice makes visiting the doctor less stressful for the child.

One mom let her three-year-old daughter choose what color to paint her guest room! Mom chose two paint samples, both of which she liked herself, and then asked her daughter: “Angie, I keep thinking, which of these colors should be painted in our living room? What color do you think it should be? When her mother’s friends came to visit her, her mother said (after making sure Angie could hear her) that her daughter had chosen the color. Angie was very proud of herself and that she had made such a decision herself.

Sometimes we find it difficult to figure out what choice to give our children. This difficulty may be due to the fact that you yourself had little choice. Maybe you want to make your choice, offering several options at once. For example, if you constantly have to wash the dishes, and you are not happy with this, you can ask your husband to do it, suggest that the children use paper plates, leave the dishes until the morning, etc. And remember: if you want to learn how to come up with choices for your children, then learn to do it for yourself.

3. Give early warning

You have been invited to a party for a special occasion. You rotate among many interesting people, talking with them, moving from one group of invitees to another. You haven’t had this much fun in a long time! You are engaged in a conversation with an American woman who tells you about the customs of her country and how they differ from those she encountered in Russia. Suddenly your husband comes up behind you, grabs your hand, forces you to put on a coat and says: “Let’s go. Time to go home».

How will you feel? What would you like to do? Children get a similar feeling when we demand that they jump from one thing to another (leave home from a friend, where he is visiting, or go to bed). It will be better if you can friendly warn them in this way: «I would like to leave in five minutes» or «Let’s go to bed in ten minutes.» Notice how much better you would treat your husband in the previous example if he told you, «I’d like to leave in fifteen minutes.» Pay attention to how much more supple you will become, how much better you will feel with this approach.

4. Help your child feel important to you!

Everyone wants to feel appreciated. If you give your child this opportunity, he will be less likely to be prone to bad behavior.

Here’s an example.

There was no way a father could get his sixteen-year-old son to take proper care of the family car. One evening, the son took the car to visit friends. The next day, his father had to meet an important client at the airport. And early in the morning my father left the house. He opened the car door and two empty Coca-Cola cans fell out onto the road. Sitting behind the wheel, my father noticed greasy stains on the dashboard, someone stuffed sausages into the seat pocket, half-eaten hamburgers in wrappers lay on the floor. The most annoying thing was that the car would not start because the gas tank was empty. On the way to the airport, the father decided to influence his son in this situation in a different way than usual.

In the evening, the father sat down with his son and said that he went to the market to look for a new car, and thought that his son was the “biggest specialist” in this matter. Then he asked if he would like to pick up a suitable car, and described in detail the necessary parameters. Within a week, the son «twisted» this business for his father — he found a car that meets all the listed parameters and, mind you, much cheaper than his father was willing to pay for it. In fact, my father got even more than the car of his dreams.

The son kept the new car clean, made sure that other family members did not litter in the car, and brought it to perfect condition on weekends! Where does such a change come from? But the fact is that the father gave his son the opportunity to feel his importance to him, and at the same time granted the right to dispose of the new car as his property.

Let me give you one more example.

One stepmother could not establish a relationship with her fourteen-year-old stepdaughter. One day she asks her stepdaughter to help her pick out new clothes for her husband. Referring to the fact that she does not understand modern fashion, the stepmother told her stepdaughter that her opinion on this matter would be simply necessary. The stepdaughter agreed, and together they picked up very beautiful and fashionable clothes for their husband-father. Going shopping together not only helped the daughter feel valued in the family, but also significantly improved their relationship.

5. Use conventional signs

When parent and child want to work together to end conflict, a reminder relating to one or another unwanted part of their behavior can be of great use. This may be a conventional sign, disguised and incomprehensible to others in order not to accidentally humiliate or embarrass them. Come up with such signs together. Remember that the more opportunities we give a child to express himself, the more likely he is to meet us halfway. Conventional signs that carry an element of fun are a very easy way to help each other. Conventional signs can be transmitted both verbally and silently. Here is an example:

Mom and daughter noticed that they began to get angry at each other too often and show a temper. They agreed to pull themselves by the earlobe to remind each other that anger is about to spill out.

One more example.

A single mom began to make regular dates with a man, and her eight-year-old son «spoiled.» Once, sitting with her in the car, the son secretly admitted that she spends a lot of time with her new friend, and when this friend is with her, he feels like an «invisible son.» Together they came up with a conditioned signal: if the son feels that he has been forgotten, he can simply say: “Invisible mom”, and mom will immediately “switch” to him. When they began to put this signal into practice, the son had to resort to it only a few times to make sure that he was remembered.

6. Arrange in advance

Don’t you get angry when you go to the store and your child starts asking you to buy him a great variety of different toys? Or when you urgently need to run somewhere, and at the moment when you are already approaching the door, the child begins to whimper and asks not to leave him alone? An effective way to deal with this problem is to agree with the child in advance. The main thing here is your ability to keep your word. If you do not restrain him, the child will not trust you and will refuse to meet halfway.

For example, if you are going to go shopping, agree with your child in advance that you will only spend a certain amount on some item for him. It would be better if you give him the money. It is important to warn him in advance that you will not buy anything extra. Today, any child can misinterpret this or that commercial advertisement and come to such a belief: «Parents love it when they buy me things» or: «If I have these things, I will become happy.»

A single mother got a job and often took her little daughter there. As soon as they approached the front door, the girl began plaintively to beg her mother to leave. And the mother decided to agree in advance with her child: “We will only stay here for fifteen minutes, and then we will leave.” Such an offer seemed to satisfy her child, and the girl sat and drew something while her mother worked. Ultimately, the mother managed to stretch her fifteen minutes into several hours, because the girl was carried away by her occupation. The next time, when the mother again took her daughter to work, the girl began to resist in every possible way, because for the first time the mother did not keep her word. Realizing the reason for the child’s resistance, the mother began to fulfill her obligation to leave at the time agreed in advance with her daughter, and the child gradually began to go to work with her more willingly.

7. Legitimize the behavior you can’t change.

One mother had four children who stubbornly drew with crayons on the walls, despite any exhortation. Then she covered the children’s bathroom with white wallpaper and said that they could paint whatever they wanted on it. When the children received this permission, to the great relief of their mother, they began to limit their drawings to the bathroom. Whenever I went into their house, I never left the bathroom unattended, because looking at their art was very curious.

One teacher had the same problem with kids flying paper planes. Then she devoted part of the time in the lesson to the study of aerodynamics. Much to the teacher’s surprise, the student’s passion for paper airplanes began to wane. For some unknown reason, when we «study» bad behavior and try to legitimize it, it becomes less desirable and less fun.

8. Create situations where both you and your child win.

Often we do not even imagine that everyone can win in a dispute. In life, we often encounter situations where one or no one wins. Disputes are resolved effectively when both win, and the end result makes both of them happy. This requires a lot of patience because you need to listen carefully to the other person while looking out for your own interests.

When you put this into practice, don’t try to talk your opponent into doing what you want or talk him out of what he wants to do. Come up with a solution that will get you both what you want. Sometimes such a decision can far exceed your expectations. At the very beginning, it will take a long time to resolve the conflict, but the reward for this will be the establishment of respectful relationships. If the whole family is engaged in improving this skill, then the process will go much easier and take less time.

Here’s an example.

I was about to give a lecture in my hometown and asked my son, who was eight years old at the time, to come with me for moral support. That evening, as I was walking out the door, I happened to glance at the jeans I was wearing. Tyler. My son’s bare knee was sticking out of a huge hole.

My heart skipped a beat. I asked him to change them immediately. He firmly said «no», and I realized that I could not cope with him. Earlier, I already noticed that when they did not obey me, I was lost and could not find a way out of the situation.

I asked my son why he didn’t want to change into his jeans. He said that after the lecture he would go to his friends, and ALL who are «cool» should have holes in their jeans, and he wanted to be «cool». Then I told him the following: “I understand that it is important for you to go to your friends in this form. I also want you to keep your own interests. However, what position will you put me in when all the people see the holes in your jeans? What will they think of me?

The situation seemed hopeless, but Tyler thought quickly and said, “What if we do this? I’ll wear good trousers over my jeans. And when I go to my friends, I’ll take them off.”

I was delighted with his invention: he feels good, and I feel good too! So she said: “What a wonderful decision! I would never have thought of this myself! Thanks for helping me!»

If you are at a dead end and you can’t influence the child in any way, ask him: “I understand that you think that you need to do this and that. But what about me? When children see that you are interested in their affairs as much as in your own, they will be more than willing to help you find a way out of the situation.

9. Teach them how to politely refuse (say no)

Some conflicts arise because our children are not trained to politely refuse. Most of us weren’t allowed to say no to our parents, and when kids aren’t allowed to say no directly, they do so indirectly. They may reject you with their behavior. It can be evasion, forgetfulness. Everything you ask them to do will be done somehow, with the expectation that you yourself will have to finish this work. You will lose all desire to ask them to do it again! Some children even pretend to be sick and infirm. If children know how to say “no” directly, then relations with them become more frank, open. How many times have you yourself found yourself in a difficult situation because you could not calmly and politely refuse? After all, there is nothing easier than letting children say “no”, because they can tell you the same “no”, but in a different way!

In our family, everyone is allowed to refuse this or that business while maintaining a respectful attitude towards themselves and others. We also agreed that if one of us says, “But this is really important, because something special is going to happen,” then the person who refused to grant your request will willingly meet you.

I ask the children to help me clean up the house, and they sometimes say: “No, I don’t want something.” Then I say, “But it is important for me to put the house in order, because we will have guests tonight,” and then they energetically get down to business.

Ironically, by allowing your children to refuse, you increase their willingness to help you. How would you feel if, for example, you were not allowed to say “no” at work? I know for myself that such a job or such a relationship would not suit me. I most likely would have abandoned them if I could not change the situation. The kids are doing the same…

During our coursework, the mom-of-two complained that her kids wanted everything in the world. Her daughter Debbie was eight years old and her son David was seven. “Now they want me to buy them a pet rabbit. I know perfectly well that they will not take care of him and this occupation will completely fall on me!

After discussing her problem with her mother, we realized that it was very difficult for her to refuse anything to her children.

The group convinced her that she had every right to refuse and she should not fulfill absolutely all the wishes of the children.

It was interesting to observe the dynamics of the development of events, to see what kind of indirect refusal this mother would find. The kids kept asking for something. And instead of a firm “no,” my mother said over and over again: “I don’t know. Let me see». She continued to feel pressure on herself and worried that she had to finally decide on something, and the children at this time pestered again and again, and this annoyed her. Only later, when her nerves were already at the limit, she, completely angry with the children, said with metal in her voice: “No! I’m tired of your constant pestering! Enough! I’m not going to buy you anything! Leave me alone!» When we talked to the children, they complained that the mother never says yes or no, but always says, «We’ll see.»

At the next lesson, we saw this mother excited about something. It turned out that she gave her consent to the children to buy a rabbit. We asked her why she did it, and this is what she explained to us:

“I agreed because, after thinking, I realized that I myself want this rabbit. But I’ve given up everything I don’t want to do myself

I told the children that I would not pay for the rabbit, but that I would loan them to buy a cage and provide for the cost of maintaining it if they raised enough money to buy it. She made a condition that they would not have any rabbit if it turned out that a fence in the yard was necessary to keep him, and I did not want to buy a fence. In addition, I explained to them that I was not going to feed the rabbit, clean the cage, but I would give money to buy food. If they forget to feed the animal for at least two days in a row, then I will take it back. It’s great that I told them all this directly! I think they even respected me for it.”

Six months later, we found out how this story ended.

Debbie and David saved up money to buy a rabbit. The owner of the pet store told them that to keep the rabbit, they must either make a fence in the yard or get a leash to walk it every day.

Mom warned the children that she herself was not going to walk the rabbit. Therefore, the children took on this responsibility. Mom loaned them money for the cage. Gradually they returned the debt. Without any annoyance and pestering, they fed the rabbit, took care of him. The children learned to take their duties responsibly, and the mother could not deny herself the pleasure of playing with her beloved animal without imposing her help and not being offended by the children. She learned to clearly distinguish between responsibilities in the family.

10. Walk away from conflict!

Children often attempt to openly disobey their parents, «challenge them.» Some parents force them to behave «properly» from a position of power, or try to «temper their ardor.» I suggest that you do the opposite, namely, «to moderate our own fervor.»

We have nothing to lose if we move away from the brewing conflict. Indeed, otherwise, if we succeed in forcing the child to do something by force, he will harbor a deep resentment. Everything can end up with the fact that someday he «repays us with the same coin.» Perhaps the venting of resentment will not take an open form, but he will try to “pay off” with us in other ways: he will study poorly, forget about his household duties, etc.

Since there are always two opposing sides in a conflict, refuse to participate in it yourself. If you cannot agree with your child and feel that the tension is growing and does not find a reasonable way out, move away from the conflict. Remember that words spoken in haste can sink into the soul of a child for a long time and are slowly erased from his memory.

Here is an example.

One mother, having made the necessary purchases, is going to leave the store with her son. He kept begging her to buy a toy, but she flatly refused. Then the boy began to pester with a question why she did not buy him a toy. She explained that she did not want to spend money on toys that day. But he continued to pester her even harder.

Mom noticed that her patience was coming to an end, and she was ready to “explode”. Instead, she got out of the car and sat on the hood. After sitting like this for a few minutes, she cooled her ardor. When she got back into the car, her son asked, “What happened?” Mom said, “Sometimes I get angry when you don’t want to take the answer as no. I like your determination, but I would like you to understand sometimes what it means «no». Such an unexpected but frank answer impressed his son, and from that time on he began to accept his mother’s refusals with understanding.

Some tips on how to control your anger.

• Admit to yourself that you are angry. It is useless to contain or deny your anger. Say you feel it.
• Tell someone out loud what made you so angry. For example: «This mess in the kitchen makes me angry.» It sounds simple, but such an expression alone can help solve the problem. Please note that in such a statement you do not call anyone names, do not accuse and comply with the measure.
• Examine the signs of your anger. Maybe you feel stiffness in your body, such as jaw clenching, stomach cramps, or sweaty hands. Knowing the signs of the manifestation of your anger, you can warn her in advance.
• Take a break to cool your ardor. Count to 10, go to your room, take a walk, shake yourself emotionally or physically to distract yourself. Do what you like.
• After you cool down, do what needs to be done. When you are busy doing something, you feel less like a “victim”. Learning to act rather than react is the foundation of self-confidence.

11. Do something unexpected

Our usual reaction to a child’s bad behavior is exactly what he expects from us. An unexpected act can make a child’s misguided goal of behavior irrelevant and meaningless. For example, stop taking all the child’s fears to heart. If we show excessive concern about this, we give them the false confidence that someone will definitely intervene to dispel their fear. A person seized with fear is not able to solve any of the problems, he simply gives up. Therefore, our goal should be to help the child overcome fear, and not soften his perception. After all, even if the child is really afraid, then our consolation will still not calm him. It can only increase the feeling of fear.

One father could not wean his children from the habit of slamming doors. Having experienced many ways to influence them, he decided to act unexpectedly. On the day off, he took out a screwdriver and removed from the hinges all the doors in the house with which they slammed. He told his wife this: «They can no longer slam doors that don’t exist.» The children understood everything without words, and three days later the father hung the doors in place. When friends came to visit the children, dad heard his children warn them: “Be careful, we don’t slam the doors.”

Surprisingly, we ourselves do not learn from our own mistakes. As parents, we try again and again to correct this or that behavior of children, using the same method that we have always used before, and then we wonder why nothing works. We can change our approach to a problem and take an unexpected step. This is often enough to change a child’s negative behavior once and for all.

12. Make ordinary activities fun and funny

Many of us take the problem of raising and educating children too seriously. Think about how much more you yourself can learn interesting and new things if you enjoy the very process of education. The lessons of life should please us and our children. For example, instead of speaking in a persuasive tone, chant the word «no» when you say no to something, or speak to him in the voice of a funny cartoon character.

I fought Tyler for a long time on his homework. He taught the multiplication table, and our business did not get off the ground! Finally, I said to Tyler, «When you’re learning something, what do you need to see, hear, or feel first?» He said he needed everything at once.

Then I took out an elongated cake pan and smeared a layer of my father’s shaving cream on the bottom. On the cream, I wrote an example, and Tyler wrote his answer. The result was simply amazing for me. My son, who didn’t care what 9×7 was, turned into a completely different kid who wrote answers at lightning speed and did it with such joy and enthusiasm, as if he were in a toy store.

You may think that you are not capable of fiction or that you do not have enough time to come up with something unusual. I advise you to drop these thoughts!

13. Slow down a little!

The faster we strive to do something, the more pressure we put on our children. And the more we put pressure on them, the more unyielding they become. Act a little slower! We don’t have time for rash actions!

How to influence a two-year-old child

The most troublesome thing for parents is a child at the age of two years.

We often hear that a two-year-old child is excessively stubborn, defiant and prefers only one of all words — “no”. This age can be a difficult test for parents. A XNUMX-year-old baby objects to an adult who is three times his height!

It is especially difficult for those parents who believe that children should obey them always and in everything. Stubborn behavior is when a two-year-old child shows his temper by reacting with irritation to a reasonable explanation that it is time to go home; or when a child refuses to accept help with a difficult task that he obviously can’t do on his own anyway.

Let’s see what happens to the child who chooses this type of behavior. The motor system of a child at this age is already quite developed. Despite his slowness, for him there are almost no places where he could not reach. At the age of two, he already has a better command of his speech. Thanks to these «gained freedoms», the child tries to be more self-governing. If we remember that these are his physical achievements, it will be easier for us to show our tolerance for the baby than to admit that he is deliberately trying to unbalance us.

Here are some ways to deal with a child of this age.

• Ask questions that can be answered «yes» or «no» only when you yourself are willing to accept both options as an answer. For example, tell your child that you are leaving in five minutes, instead of asking him the question: “Are you ready to leave now?”
• Get into action and do not try to reason with the child. When the five minutes are up, say, «It’s time to go.» If your child objects, make an attempt to get him out or out the door.
• Give the child the right to make his choice in such a way that he can develop his ability to make decisions on his own. For example, give him the opportunity to opt for one of two types of clothing you suggested: “Will you wear a blue dress or a green jumper?” or «Will you go swimming or go to the zoo?»

Be flexible. It happens that a child refuses something, and you know for sure that he really wants it. Willingly stick to the choice he made. Even if he refused you, in no case do not try to persuade him. This approach will teach the child to be more responsible in his choice. For example, if you know for sure that Jim is hungry and you offer him a banana and he refuses, then say «okay» and put the banana aside, never try to convince him that he really wants it .