The purpose of the child’s behavior is revenge
Terri was caught stealing fifty cents from a boy at school, and the teacher sent her parents a note. Terri’s mom was beside herself with rage: “Terry, how could you act so meanly? We would give you money. I’m ashamed of you. You bring us nothing but trouble! Now go to your room! I don’t want to see or hear from you until you admit your guilt and apologize for everything you’ve done!»
Mom slapped her backside and, grabbing her arm tightly, took her into the room.
An hour and a half after Terri left her room, she decided to put on her nails. She chose a bottle of pearlescent pink nail polish and sat down at her mother’s desk, despite her mother’s many times begging her not to play on it.
After finishing polishing her nails, she “accidentally” spilled nail polish remover all over the table as she tried to clean the residue from her nails.
When we suppress children by using our superiority over them, they fall into despair and tend to call for revenge. Feeling their worthlessness, hostility and resentment, children feel a desire to take it all out on someone. Sometimes revenge can be more subtle than in this example. A child who has fallen into despair is capable of openly harming both himself and others.
Reorientation of the goal «revenge»
It is necessary to patiently and with understanding see through the hidden resentment how a child, seized with a sense of revenge, can manifest himself. This will help you understand that the hatred that comes from him is connected with his inner feelings. It is important for you to decide that it is you who will put an end to the “war” and that you will be the first to stop taking out your offense. This is difficult because we always feel that we have every right to take revenge on the offender and teach him a lesson. But ask yourself, what do you want — peace or war? If you decide for yourself that the time has not yet come to end the war, then do as you see fit. Just understand that your attempts to influence a child’s bad behavior will be much less effective. If you choose the world, then mentally list the five main qualities for which you love your child. It is difficult to remember such qualities of a person with whom you are angry. But necessary. Thinking about the qualities you love your child for will change your negative attitude towards him. I suggest avoiding punishment in every possible way. With a child who pursues the goal of «revenge», we often take offense ourselves and try to take out our resentment on him. By responding in kind, we can temporarily improve his bad behavior, but this will only exacerbate the problem. Punishment can serve as an excuse for subsequent aggressiveness. Avoid addressing the issue by counter-blaming, as this will only make things worse for both of you.
The second step is to do something to restore the relationship with the child. In explicit cases of revenge, such a relationship is impossible, because your mutual resentment will be so strong that you cannot even tolerate each other’s presence.
Developing the events set forth in the previous example, I note that Terri’s mother realized that she had offended her daughter by saying many unpleasant things to her. For two days after the lacquer incident, my mother said nothing about the ruined table. She did not take out her resentment on Terry and did not punish her. All this time, the mother pondered what qualities of the Daughter distinguished her from others, and did not even fail to mention some of them to Terry herself. When the two-day «cooling» period was over, Mom spoke to Terry about the incident: «I must have offended you by saying that you were nothing but trouble. Sometimes, when I don’t know what else to say, I say hurtful things. I’m sorry, and I decided to make some kind of decoration that would cover the stain on the table. You can help me?» Mom treated her daughter with understanding. As a result of her determination to stop making amends, the two managed to build a relationship while they designed a piece of jewelry to cover the damaged table surface.
Having defined the goal of «revenge», use only natural consequences until a normal relationship is established between you. Natural consequences are described in detail in Chapter 7. A child looking for an opportunity to «settle a score» may interpret a logical consequence as punishment. Avoid confronting your child if you get angry. The child will sense your anger and be able to use it against you.
Here is another example.
A single mother had a sixteen-year-old son, and he had to do his homework. Instead, he busied himself with painting a banner for an after-school event at a club of which he was a member. Conflicts about the preparation of lessons began with them from the time the son went to school.
And this time, my mother began to “nag” him: “You promised that you would do your homework, and then you would do other things. It turns out that you do not keep your word? The son did not even deign to take his eyes off the banner: “I will do it. Now please get away from me!” The mother laughed sarcastically, “Well, I’ve heard it more than once. I want you to stop minding your own business and finish your homework. Because you never finish anything!”
Her son stood up, threw his brush at the banner, and yelled, “Why don’t you just leave me alone? I’ll do my homework when I finish this. I’m tired of your constant reminders of what to do! He rushed to his bedroom and slammed the door behind him. Mom realized that her son was completely consumed by a sense of revenge, and decided to be the first to take a step to stop the brewing conflict. She stopped cooking dinner and asked her son to leave the room, offering to help paint the banner, and he agreed. For the first time in a month, they talked freely and naturally with each other during this lesson, and the next morning the son got up early to do his homework.
Use your inner feelings as a guide to action and understanding how your child may be feeling. If you are offended by him and want to take revenge — this is a sure sign that the child’s goal is revenge. There are two exercises you can do if you are dealing with a particularly difficult child. The first is to mentally imagine how you want your relationship to be. Set aside five minutes for this in the morning before you start your next day, and five minutes in the evening before you fall asleep. Figuratively imagine everything as if it is really happening to you, try to even hear the words that you exchange, and experience your feelings towards the child when he is near you. Probably, and you have heard more than once that people have the ability to bring to life everything that they can imagine. Unfortunately, we often imagine the most negative things in our imagination — our son is about to have an accident, or our daughter is using drugs. To get rid of these obsessions, imagine how you would like your child to be. You may not be able to succeed right away, but show more patience.
The second thing you can do with a difficult child is to test your love for him. Remember the time when he was small and it happened that he involuntarily vomited on your new, freshly worn suit. Did it matter to you, you loved him anyway! Try now to love him without any conditions for one day, and if the day is too long for you, then at least for half a day.
One mother had a seventeen-year-old daughter who decided to leave home and live in a separate apartment. Her mother gave her a credit card in the hope that her daughter would take charge of paying the rent. Soon, my mother received a call from the credit company, warning that someone owed $ 800 on this card in a fairly short period of time. Mom took her credit card and paid $800 for her daughter.
The woman later said that she did not even want to give her daughter the Christmas gifts she had prepared for her, she was very angry with her. (The incident took place just before Christmas.) However, my mother knew that if she satisfied her desire to settle the score and punished her daughter, this would not improve the situation in the least.