Contents
The purpose of the child’s behavior is to attract attention
Her best friend came to visit my mother. They are sitting on the sofa in the living room. Four-year-old Billy runs into the room and stands behind the sofa. In a plaintive voice, he asks: “Mom, where is my plane?” Mom interrupts the conversation and answers her son: “I’m busy now. He’s in your room.» She starts talking to her friend again. Billy intervenes again: «Where in my room?». At that moment, Mom interrupts her friend and says: “In your toy box, Sorry, what were we talking about?” Mom turns her attention back to her friend. Billy insists, «Will you help me find him?» Mom gives him an angry look and sharply replies: “Well, not now! Can’t you see that I’m busy?» Billy begins to beg even louder: «Well, mom!» An annoyed mother jumps up from the couch: “Well, okay! But when I find him, I want you to play with him in your room and let me hang out with a friend.»
Doesn’t that sound like a harmless request for help? However, what is the more appropriate response of the child to this situation? Wouldn’t it be better for him to ask once, and then, at the request of his mother, find a toy himself or show interest in something else? After all, he perfectly sees that his mother is busy talking with her friend. What is the purpose of his behavior? It turns out that the child puts an equal sign between two different concepts — to be in the center of attention of an adult and to be loved.
The boy tries to draw attention to himself in an inappropriate way, but in a relatively positive way. When the mother is very annoyed by his behavior, the child harbors a deeper resentment, his claims for attention can take on a more negative connotation. For example, a child may start a game with those objects with which he is not allowed to play, flare up or start a quarrel with a brother or sister. Some other forms of behavior associated with a lack of attention may come into play, namely: the child will begin to whine, mess around, «forget», show helplessness, interfere in the affairs of others, interrupt, etc. There is a way by which you can correctly determine the erroneous goal of the child’s behavior. A child whose goal is to attract attention, as a rule, causes irritation in adults. The usual reaction to the behavior of such a child will be the negative attention of an adult. However, not all children use bad behavior to get attention. Look for a child who gets attention with good behavior. It is important for him to be «clever» and please everyone. Such a child at home and at school is often called a “good boy”. Again, your feedback is important here. If this child’s constant striving to please you or excel at something irritates you, then this is the first sign that his erroneous goal is attention.
Reorientation of the goal of «getting attention»
Reorientation in this case consists of four stages.
- Do not look into the eyes of a child whose behavior you do not like.
- Don’t talk to him.
- Do something to make your child feel loved. It is best to pat him on the back or hair. Don’t pat him on the head, because that’s pretty humiliating.
- Get down to business immediately, go through the first three stages — do not look into the eyes, do not say a word, do something to make the child feel loved as soon as his behavior starts to annoy you. It’s useless to wait. If you wait, you will start to get angry, and then it will be difficult to extinguish the irritation in yourself. It will be even more difficult to do anything to make the child feel that he is loved. When you learn to do all this correctly, your child will have to think about his behavior. He used to feel like this: «While adults are busy with me, it means they love me.» Now he will begin to understand that he is loved even when adults are minding their own business.
One father found out in a parenting course about the misguided goal of «getting attention» and decided to respond in an unconventional way to his daughter’s attempts to do so. One day he stopped to chat through the fence with his neighbor. And the daughter had a habit of interrupting him during a conversation. Her father set out to teach her to wait until he finished talking. However, her daughter had other plans. She immediately began to whine: “Pa-a-a-a-a-pa!” He continued to talk to his neighbor without saying a word to her or even looking at her, but only affectionately stroking her on the back. The daughter stood next to him and continued to whine. This went on for a few seconds, and then she stopped whimpering. After a while, her interest completely switched to the guys playing nearby.
The next week, Dad barely waited until classes started to talk about his success. He frankly admitted to us that from the very beginning he was skeptical about the proposed method of reorienting the goal of «getting attention.» And now he was convinced of its effectiveness.
In order for the reorientation to lead you to success, it is important to communicate with the child more often precisely when he is not fighting for attention to himself. This will help reinforce the behavior you are trying to teach him. Another method you can use is to move the child from one place to another. First of all, you need to gently take the child by the hand and take him to another room (it is better if this is not his own bedroom, since in his mind it may be associated with a place for punishment), then say one and only once: “You can return when you calm down.» With this phrase, we give the child the opportunity to control his behavior from the inside. If you say: “You will leave in five minutes”, then you will become the “controller” and the child will again become dependent on the adult. If the child comes out of the other room immediately and behaves properly — great! If he comes out and continues to behave in the same way, then immediately and again gently take him by the hand and take him out of the room as many times as necessary. Be patient and persistent.
When my son Tyler was two and a half years old, I invited some friends over for dinner. At dinner, Tyler began to behave ugly, I asked him to stop, he calmed down for a few seconds, and then his behavior became even worse. I calmly took his hand, led him into another room and said: “When you calm down, you can return.” He immediately returned and continued to behave just as badly. I took him to another room again, but this time I didn’t say anything. He came again, but his behavior did not change. Then his father intervened and took him out. We must have had to take him out of the room fourteen times. After the fourteenth time, Tyler sat at the table for an hour and behaved much more calmly.
It is great if a married couple adheres to the same principles of education. You can alternate each other, but alone you often cannot restrain yourself and give vent to feelings. You are probably thinking: “Fourteen times! Who has the patience to do something like this?!» Yes, when I did all this for the first time, it seemed to me that I was about to break loose. But the more I applied this method, the faster Tyler’s behavior improved.
Teach your child to get attention from you without defiant behavior. One mother, for example, taught her daughter to say, “I miss your attention, mother,” instead of acting up and causing trouble to others. When the daughter said these words, the mother either paid her attention immediately, or, by mutual agreement with the child, postponed this communication for another time.
A busy parent can still “find” time to communicate with children, and during the week each child should receive his “share” of attention from him. You can chat at breakfast or meet your child at school during a break, go rollerblading or fishing together, etc. Time spent one-on-one with a parent is very valuable for a child. After all, it is much easier for him to share his innermost thoughts and feelings when he is alone with you. It is at such moments that the foundation of your strong relationship with the child is laid, and if he feels that your relationship is becoming closer and more trusting, he will show you more respect and will always meet halfway. When children get the attention they want in a good way, they don’t need to seek it in negative ways. You may find these attention redirection methods inappropriate for your child, and you would be right if your child is pursuing a goal other than attention. So read on!