Release your children!

“It took a lot of effort for me to agree to the request of my 13-year-old daughter to let her go to summer camp,” recalls 38-year-old Elena. — I was afraid that they would offend her there, that she would be bitten by a tick, that she would drown in the lake … The first days after her departure, under various pretexts, I called her almost every hour, until one day I heard in response a request “not to pull her on trifles, because everyone is already laughing at her.

Of course, Elena is not alone: ​​many parents who let their child go for the first time — to a water slide on the beach, to a disco, to visit a country house with an overnight stay, ride a pony or paragliding — are seized by fear at the thought of … yes, almost anything!

natural feeling

“Our concern is natural, and it protects children to the extent that it warns them of dangers,” says psychotherapist Daria Krymova. “Feeling the anxiety of their parents, they develop their own survival strategy and, perhaps, they really will not lean out of the window or put their finger in the socket.”

No matter how old the child is, only the object of our concern changes, but not its nature. However, a sense of proportion is also needed here. “Worrying about everything, exaggerating dangers, we project our own fears and failures onto children,” says developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. “Such parental egoism infringes on the natural needs of children, primarily in independence.” Inadequate prohibitions hinder the development of the child and, as a result, do not help him, but prevent him from learning to master the world around him on his own.

Experiment time

During the holidays, the conditions and rhythm of the daily life of the family change. Children have a lot of free time, they are ready to disappear for hours on the street. Those who are older dream of discos, hikes or a trip to the camp … At the same time, holidays are the time on which parents always place their hopes, sometimes idealizing it, hoping to do everything together with their children that they did not manage to do in a year: go to the cinema, finish reading a book that has been put aside… and receive in return the love and gratitude of a child with whom it was not so often possible to feel real, desired intimacy!

It seems that now intensive communication will help not only catch up, but also compensate for the guilt that dad and mom were not “good enough” parents. “But the feeling of guilt disorientates us,” Daria Krymova warns, “making it difficult to understand what the child really needs now and what he expects from his parents.” Therefore, you should be prepared for the fact that the vacation expectations of children and adults may not coincide, and not make this a reason for resentment and conflict.

“Holidays are better organized so that children have the opportunity to do what they don’t have time for in the school year,” advises Galina Burmenskaya. “Not necessarily something exotic. Someone, for example, will be happy and proud if he is trusted to redo something in his room himself … Listen to the initiatives of the child! Clearly define the «field of action» and then do not interfere in the details.

Learning to let go

How to assess the real risks — not downplaying, but not exaggerating them? First, it is worth reminding yourself that there are not so many serious dangers. Secondly, to recognize that we often tend to underestimate our children: it seems to us that they are still too small and less adapted to life than they really are.

“For nine months a year, children live in an organized system of time and space — in the garden, at school, in circles,” reminds Daria Krymova. “The holidays are a chance to prove ourselves, to try a lot, and for us it is an opportunity to check and evaluate how our limits and limitations correspond to the urgent needs of the child.”

“Our task is to guide and insure him,” adds Galina Burmenskaya, “to teach him how to behave in potentially risky situations. And learn the art of trust yourself.”

Step back, two forward

Trusting a child means carefully observing and accepting his progress in order to help him become more confident. After all, our children do not become independent immediately: it is a reciprocating process. In 1946, English psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth proved that the child learns the world from the personal “safety base” that is the adult. The child runs away, returns under the parental wing, then leaves again, gradually increasing the developed territory.

Holidays are the perfect moment to let children try their hand at conditions adequate to the safety knowledge already mastered: at 11 years old, a child can spend the night in a tent with friends, but in a summer cottage, and at 17, go hiking for a few days — provided that that parents know where their children are going and the route is safe.

Every age has a special relationship

Advise our experts Galina Burmenskaya and Daria Krymova

2-4 years: first discoveries

What if he gets lost on the beach or drowns?

What to do? Keep an eye on him, but leave room for discovery. Prohibitions should not block the baby’s access to a safe reality. The child runs away because he wants to know: what is there, at the other end of the beach? Yes, of course, he can fall, but on the sand, under the mother’s gaze, this is not scary.

6-10 years old: sports club

What if an accident happens?

What to do? Make sure club staff are licensed and experienced professionals. In any case, you have to admit that the only way to completely protect your children is to lock them in four walls. Risk is part of the process of growing up: the child must experience what danger is in order to recognize it and be able to resist it. And sports are a great opportunity to practice this.

10-12 years old: a trip to the camp

What if they don’t look after him? What if he is sexually harassed?

What to do? Explain. The real dangers are the risk of sexual harassment or injury. To protect the child from them, they must be named, describe the situations where they may arise, and make sure that the child understands the meaning of the warnings. Talk to him before leaving, try to get rid of bad thoughts rationally — for example, compare the number of accidents and the number of children going to camp every summer. In the end, if you chose this particular camp, then you made an effort to make sure that it is reliable.

12-15 years old: visiting a friend

Who is this friend? What kind of company will be there?

What to do? Set priorities. The question is not whether to let the child go to the party: at this age, he needs to gradually “move away” from his parents … while remaining under their supervision. Are you afraid that your son or daughter will fall into the «inappropriate company» and will engage in «bad»? Conduct an investigation that will help you get rid of fears: meet a friend, his parents (“no meeting, no party!”), set time limits.

16-17 years old: going to the club

What if he tries drugs? What if he forgets a condom?

What to do? Trust! It is useless to ban, so we need to negotiate. At this age, a balance is important between risk and the adolescent’s willingness to cope with it. It is necessary to explain to him the possible dangers: fatal (accident on the road, alcohol, drugs) and the risks associated with sexual life. And then offer an agreement: “I trust you, but I establish some rules that you must follow.” Each family will have their own.

For example, if you agree on a time to return, require a phone call with a warning about being late; if this is not done, apply sanctions. Compliance with such rules is a guarantee of peace for everyone: it will be easier for you to let the child go, and he, in turn, will feel protected (even if he is indignant and protests at the same time!).