We set goals and try to achieve what we have planned. And sometimes we don’t think about how loved ones will react to these changes.
From the annual «lose weight by spring» and «learn English» we are moving on to more global transformations — «open your own business», «learn a new profession», «create a channel on a social network and gain a million subscribers». We are confident that ideas will lead to success.
What is the role of family and friends? They, of course, should support us and, like the wives of the Decembrists, follow us to the ends of the earth (say, dig up the shards of ancient settlements)! Is it so?
Here is a new twist
Striving for change, getting carried away, we simply forget that we do not live by ourselves. “There is always an environment,” recalls the existential psychologist Pavel Lukin. “And if we act on one element of the system, then the whole system begins to change. It is not so important whether we ourselves or someone close to us are changing. If, unexpectedly, someone whom we have known for many years, familiar and predictable, begins to behave differently, then our neighbors, as a rule, will experience anxiety and misunderstanding.
They wonder: what can these transformations lead to? Perhaps the new will destroy a stable system of relations?
“One day my husband decided to open his own business, got carried away with the idea, sat in the kitchen until late and hatched plans to“ capture the market. But he could not answer a simple question whether he had start-up capital and where he was going to get a considerable amount. At that moment, I realized that if I didn’t talk to him about unreasonable risks, then our family was in danger of collapse: we simply couldn’t cope with the burden of future loans,” recalls 37-year-old Elmira.
It’s better to make plans together. “If a non-trivial idea came to you, new opportunities opened up, discuss it with a partner, ask the opinion of grown-up children,” suggests cognitive psychologist Ekaterina Semenova. “Cohesion in making common decisions suggests that there is contact in the family: you don’t live each on your own, meeting at home in the evenings.”
If one of us has been offered a new position, and as a family we weigh risks against opportunities, such a discussion will only strengthen the system and prepare it for change.
Resistance is futile?
The tradition of consulting with each other helps to solve not only common tasks for everyone, but also personal ones: what would be difficult to do alone becomes achievable with the support of the family. But we don’t always get approval.
“At the age of forty, I was preparing to defend my Ph.D. thesis and showed my husband an unbound copy: look if everything is fine,” recalls 47-year-old Varvara. “He knocked the folder out of my hands, saying: ‘Nobody needs this, it’s better to take care of the kitchen.’”
Such a reaction seems too sharp, offensive and at first glance inexplicable. But there is an explanation.
“The growth and rapid development of one of the couple often leads to an aggravation in relationships,” notes Pavel Lukin. “The one who lags behind feels abandoned, and the one who rushed forward feels lonely. Therefore, as soon as you realize that the situation has changed, try to discuss the value of personal relationships. List all the most important things for you: “we love each other”, “we have many common achievements ahead of us”, “we will raise children together” and give mutual guarantees.
No less disappointing when friends stubbornly ignore our successes. “Perhaps a friend is overloaded, he, like everyone else now, has a hundred things planned for every day. He does not have time to notice an important event for us. You can ask him: praise me, please, — offers psychoanalyst Anastasia Rubtsova. Or: support me. He will either respond, or he can say that he does not have the strength now, and this will be honest and save us from unnecessary insults.
Together
Those close to us need time to accept our changes. So, in the film “Don’t Look Up,” the relatives of the hero Leonardo DiCaprio at the beginning resist his changes, but later forgive him for antics and take him back into the family.
“Resistance is a natural reaction of loved ones to our changes,” Anastasia Rubtsova is sure. — Each of us has a circle of those who are connected with us in everyday life, in life, it can be five relatives and friends, maybe more, and when something changes with us, they begin to change too. And they did not sign up for these changes. Therefore, it is best to explain and negotiate.”
The psychoanalyst recalls three important principles of communication.
It is better to discuss any business with a fresh mind. Take a good rest and prepare yourself: state in advance what you want to negotiate.
Listen to your family: what goals they have, what they want, whether they are ready to support you and under what conditions.
Set intermediate goals for each next step. At the time of the crisis, our picture of the future collapses, as if we are falling into a tunnel. And when we think about goals, the future appears again. This strategy helps to relieve tension and understand each other.
“When I told my husband that I was appointed to a serious position, we discussed what my appointment would give us and how to reconsider household duties,” says 40-year-old Elizabeth. “And at first, while I was getting used to new loads, he continuously took care, fed me, made sure that I walked, put me to bed.”
Resistance or ignoring — such reactions of loved ones do not last forever. They are often followed by support and acceptance. And if you have patience, then the turbulence zone will be passed through joint efforts.