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Most women are confident that they will be the best mothers in the world. They will never raise their voice to the child and will devote all their free time to the child. But in life, not everything is so smooth …
We have selected the five most common situations for which you would so much want to ask for forgiveness both from the child and from myself. Advice was given by Elena Shakhrai, a psychologist at the Center for Medical Prevention. So, how to forgive yourself for …
… broke loose and shouted at the child
When a child screams, you want to scream in response
Yes, you know you couldn’t hold back. But let’s admit to ourselves: being a mom is very difficult. And the baby is not always an angel in the flesh. And the fact that you fell out is normal. You’re not a robot. Therefore, you do not need to eat yourself by eating, cultivating a sense of guilt. The main thing that you can do not only for the child, but also for yourself is to calm down.
Psychologist’s advice
When my mother has not managed to behave rationally, she should not panic, but learn how to get out of this situation correctly. Mom’s cry of the child scares, but it is important that the baby understands that the mother still loves him very much.
After a surge of negative emotions, the baby needs to hug, caress and demonstrate all his love, tenderness and care. You need to honestly admit to your child that you were wrong, that you were very tired, upset and could not contain your emotions. Feeling mom’s warmth, the child will surely forgive mom and calm down.
However, you should not be zealous with affection. In the case of a naughty child, he must feel his mother’s displeasure. Therefore, after hugging him and apologizing for her incontinence, the mother must calmly explain that the surge of her emotions was caused by his bad behavior, that she was very upset that the child did not do as he was asked, and the mother was forced to raise her voice. to get his attention. Any child is always very serious about the fact that his mother talks to him as an adult, and immediately begins to try to reason and think about his behavior.
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… went to work early and sent the child to the kindergarten
Sooner or later, every mother faces the question of going to work. This means that there are many problems to be solved. According to psychologists, going to work is the strongest stress for a woman after childbirth. Indeed, in addition to physiological problems in this situation, a woman also has psychological problems:
• feeling of guilt that the mother leaves her baby;
• concern for the child: how he will manage without his mother, how will the nanny, grandmother, kindergarten teacher take care of him;
• a feeling of longing for an abandoned baby, which also does not contribute to full immersion in work.
The smaller the child, the more he needs his mother.
How to solve these problems?
– Mom should remind herself of the reasons why she decided to go to work. Any of the arguments has a right to exist, and a woman is not obliged to prove its validity, even if it seems to others that the argument is weak for such an important decision.
– Do everything gradually. Mom should start accustoming the baby to her care, first for a couple of hours, then for 3-4 hours. If a mother plans to go to work full-time, you need to try to agree with her superiors so that for the first 2-3 weeks she will work part-time or just go home early. Gradually, everyone will get used to the new state of affairs, and mom will be able to work at full strength.
– Call home several times a day and communicate with your child, even if he is too young. You can also establish video communication with the house. This will help the mother to maintain an emotional connection with the baby, and it will simply warm her up mentally, especially if the decision to go to work was not easy at all.
– There should be small family traditions, for example, mom needs to read books for the baby at night. This will bring a certain stability and confidence to the child’s life that no work will take his mother away from him.
… because of a difficult life situation I was forced to send the child to her parents
A complex life situation is understood as any situation associated with a negative impact on a person, his health, life, etc. Difficult situations are divided into two types. The first type includes the usual, standard situations that occur in ordinary life, when a person is faced with negativity, for example, in a quarrel with the boss, with a relative, etc. The second type includes negative situations that entailed irreversible loss, for example, loss a relative or a serious illness leading to disability. Each situation has different solutions, and everyone draws the necessary conclusions for himself.
Even five minutes with mom is very important for a baby.
Psychologist’s advice
First, the mother needs to decide how the current situation is potentially traumatic. Assess how difficult her financial situation is. If a child, for example, has nowhere to live, does not have enough money for food and clothing, then, of course, it is better to live with a grandmother than to be hungry. If the mother is able to provide the material minimum (for example, the mother can work, and the husband can take care of the child), then the child needs to be with the mother. After all, no one can be better than parents for a child! Who forbids grandparents to pick up a child after kindergarten or school and study with him, and bring him to his mother’s house in the evening, if this is so necessary? Let 2-3 times a week, or at least all 5. If only the child remained with his mother.
… is constantly busy and does not fulfill the promises made to the child
There is no greater obstacle to building trust than a broken promise. Promising, we give the child hope: “Next week we will go to the zoo” or “If you behave well, I will buy you a doll.” However, any statement that refers to the future tense can be called a promise: “I’ll make spaghetti for dinner tonight” or “I’ll be back in an hour.” In fact, we do not need to utter the word “promise” for the child to perceive it as such. If you report an upcoming event, then the child considers it to be your promise. He expects everything to happen exactly as you said. If the child does not even wait, then this is a clear sign that his trust in you has weakened.
Your tiredness is not a reason to cancel plans
Psychologist’s advice
There are several rules to follow to build faith in your child’s parental word. You need to be careful and make promises that are subject to a number of conditions. For example, the promise “I’ll take you to the park on Sunday” requires clarification: “If the weather is good, if there are no unexpected obstacles, if everyone is healthy, etc.”. You should not be intimidated by lengthy reservations, because when it comes to maintaining and strengthening children’s trust, no precautions will be superfluous. In this case, if the walk is postponed due to unforeseen circumstances, children will not consider their parents to be cheaters and will be able to understand that there are things that are beyond the control of even adults. Also, parents should not change their word under any circumstances. If the child fulfills the condition for which he was promised a reward, he should receive it regardless of how he will behave later.
… cannot buy a child what he asks for
Many parents are faced with such a problem as the child’s desire to get an expensive toy, or even several at once. The child has many reasons for this. It may be following children’s fashion (everyone has it, but I don’t), a desire to stand out in the children’s team (no one has it, but I will), or perhaps the child simply does not understand that this is an expensive thing and wants a new one toy. In addition, capricious, spoiled children often beg for toys for themselves simply in order to once again prove that their parents are ready to fulfill his every whim.
The main thing in any situation is to stay calm.
Psychologist’s advice
Understand your child’s motives first. Try to understand why he needed this toy, this momentary desire, or the kid has really been dreaming about it for a long time.
Calmly explain to your child that you cannot afford to buy this item right now. Do not hesitate to admit that you do not have the money to buy, explain to your child that in addition to toys, there are many necessary and important expenses. Explain that if you buy a toy that is too expensive, you will not be able to eat properly or buy clothes. Do not assume that he is still too young to understand such complex issues: children are by no means stupid.
If you think that in the foreseeable future you will be able to please your baby, promise to buy him the desired toy for his birthday or New Year. But after making a promise, be sure to keep your promise so as not to lose the child’s trust.
If you understand that the toy is completely too expensive, immediately and firmly tell your child about it and stand your ground. Do not try to cajole the child with an empty promise, this will lead to new whims and disappointments in the future. Do not get fooled by the child’s provocations and tantrums, calm him down, offer to find another similar toy, cheaper, distract him with an offer to have fun – for example, go to a cafe, a cinema or a park. Show your baby that he is dear to you and that you are ready to spend time with him and spend money on him, but you cannot cross the limits of reason.
In order not to get into a situation where the baby is constantly demanding more and more new purchases, do not accustom him to the consumer model of behavior. From an early age, you should not daily load a child with small toys, cheap cars, dolls and candy with a surprise. The child will get used to such daily gifts and will take the purchase of toys for granted, will demand more and more from you. Make buying a toy a treat for your little one.