The two approach each other until they stumble upon a series of Major Differences (if we are talking about love relationships, then more often by the end of the first six months, but can be much earlier). For example, a partner is not ready to forgive you for a raised tone and avenges him with silence for a long time. Or one of you likes to travel, and the other does not, and for another week lies down with the appearance of a sufferer under the covers after an away “rest”. Or even simpler: one of you falls asleep early and does not want to have intimate conversations before bedtime, and the second feels abandoned. As they say, put in yours.
The essence of the problem: the habitual action of one becomes a source of torment for another.
Note: It’s not your partner who hurts you. And you feel it with some of his (without) actions. It hurts old wounds.
The discovered Serious Difference prevents further rapprochement (and sometimes even being close). Naturally, I want to destroy this obstacle.
In a relationship, there comes a period of attempts to “roll, not wash” to force the partner to behave in such a way that these “hurting-you-pain” actions of his do not stop. Requests are on the way. Requirements. Ultimatums. Manipulation. Tears. «Punishments» of isolation and threats of rejection. Swearing. Even fights. The intensity of the impact depends on the amount of pain that needs to be relieved — and your favorite ways to inflict “pain in return”.
The main calls of this period of the relationship are: «Stop doing what makes me uncomfortable» and «Feel in your own skin how it hurts me.» They are followed by the well-known: “How can you do this again, because I asked (a)?”, “You are doing this on purpose!”, “We agreed.” And so on, as they say, watch the continuation next season.
Move on. How does it all look for the second?
At first he is perplexed: “I’m doing what I usually do, why such a reaction?”, “I didn’t want to”, “well, I won’t”, etc. I try so hard.» Then he gets angry: “If you don’t like it, leave,” “it’s not right with your head.”
Note: your partner is likely to want to stop hurting you. Only he doesn’t. He «does not sleep», «does not travel» and «raises his tone» simply because he is so used to it and does not know how to change. He does not know how and does not want to learn. The reason is not malice: he simply does not understand why such a drama is due to nonsense. Reason #2 — when he does make an effort and changes (for example, restrains his tone), no one notices at all. Naturally: after all, the first one does not even know that he tried! That is, for effort — nothing. For their absence — resentment. No positive reason to change.
In general, this second one, for his part, hopes that your whim will pass, and you will stop wanting this nonsense from him. After all, he is not evil. But to change — well, no … We didn’t order full-length personal growth here …
However, that’s not all. In fact — tadam! – the same song happens on the second side. Only on other occasions, which are now «nonsense» for the first.
Does it happen otherwise? It happens, of course. I deliberately do not focus on such moments that can be changed, and both do it for each other. Why stop at them? Changed, and everything — the problem is solved.
So what do we end up with. mutual claims. Misunderstanding why he/she is so mad because of nonsense. Violent quarrels, with the aim of «destroying the obstacle.»
Very quickly, mutual dissatisfaction with the partner’s lack of promised (!) changes turns into skirmishes with substitution of context: “What are you doing to my mom again?”, “I don’t gu.e.l, you ate yesterday and yourself I didn’t take it off the table! What’s what — you’ll understand FIG!
And it translates simply: “You are changing badly for me”, “You are also changing badly for me! And you don’t even change at all!
Tears. Screams. Everyone is offended and sitting in the corners. Who owes what to whom is unclear.
Oddly enough, even such obvious parallels, which, it would seem, should shed light on the grandeur of the drama for each other, do not give rise to reflection. (When this happens right in the middle of a therapy session with a reconciliation couple, it only slows down and the detailed description — «look… you’re doing this… different is this…» allows them to start noticing something.) Otherwise, the couple continues to fight not for life, but for death, hoping to still break the resistance.
The result of all these military actions is predictable: often, along with the “destruction of the obstacle”, the relationship itself is also destroyed.
Digression. Noticed? When that partner who is “harder” is suddenly left alone, he suddenly catches himself: “Oh, why was it just so painful for you? What didn’t you say?» In this place, the other grabs his head, faints and goes nuts on a cosmic scale — all at the same time. «I did not say)?! Yes, I did a hundred times … Here’s a million screenshots of correspondence for you. The first, in horror, even sometimes runs to correct himself … But we know that! If it had been that easy for him, he would have changed earlier. He will try this for two or three months at most, and will move out to the old rails (mainly due to the reason No. 2 described above). And — whoops — an old song in a new way: watch the third season.
The surviving couples will move on according to one of two scenarios:
1. A common option.
The drive will gradually leave the “military actions”: you will get used to something, you will get tired of something. Maybe you will sing the song “you ruined my whole life (a)” on this topic all your life. It is possible that sometimes one of you will pretend that «he is no longer like that,» and the other — «that it will do anyway.» But pretending doesn’t make it any better. The pain will gradually turn into chronic and from this habitual and subtle. If you do not run into.
Rapprochement will be impossible. The couple will freeze at a certain distance: both will stop sharing thoughts, feelings, life events. Their life will be reduced to «not-close-cohabitation.» But it doesn’t hurt. And you don’t have to change.
2. A rare option.
You will find your pain and solve this problem — in your soul. Take care of yourself, and stop changing the other. At the same time, the relationship will become easier, more pleasant, and again there will be an opportunity to get closer.
Until the next series of Major Differences. And some of them will be very painful. And the reactions are very violent. And you will already know and remember that this does not mean that the partner has stopped loving you and hurts you “on purpose”. And each next step towards rapprochement will open new facets of each other to you. And new «sores», carefully fenced off from all outsiders.
Actually, in this I see the deep meaning of truly close love relationships — they provide an opportunity to personally grow next to the Other.
Close to loved ones. Relatives. supportive. Not outsiders. And you can give him the same in return: patience and care when he meets his pain next to you.
Once again.
We come into a relationship and try to change the other.
But we need relationships to change ourselves. This is the point.
I have everything for today!
I love Vika Pekarskaya, and the article is very good, but there is one mistake in it. Important! Namely, the option is not mentioned when the spouses can and do change their usual actions. I agree that ordinary couples are practically incapable of this, but for UPP students and graduates it is quite real. They were owls — they became larks, they liked to interrupt — they learned to listen carefully, they usually objected before — now they usually find something sensible in the words of the interlocutor and agree with this reasonable. And then, if necessary, they still don’t mind, but they think that they can suggest something sensible, necessary and useful. They can change their habitual actions. And then couples have not only two options — 1) «non-close-cohabitation» or 2) changing themselves in terms of accepting the characteristics of the other, but also the Third option: 3) consider their expectations for each other, choose reasonable and correct their habitual actions , hurting a loved one or a loved one.
Personal growth is not only teaching yourself that you cannot change another, it is also the ability to change another so that everyone is happy.
N.I. Kozlov