Do I really love him? Is my love for her real or not? Am I good enough for her? What if I cheat on my wife with my boss? Such doubts and intrusive thoughts can bother someone so much that they develop obsessive-compulsive disorder. Is there a way out?
Doubt, suspicion, uncertainty, uncertainty are frequent companions of love relationships. But sometimes these fears and doubts grow to pathological proportions, become obsessive. And the means for their resolution are certain actions. For example, checking the location of the husband through a navigation program to find out where he is now. Or regularly reviewing all the search queries that a friend did in her browser.
With repeated repetition of these actions, it is impossible to break away from such checks. They become compulsive. “In a suffering person, obsessions (obsessive thoughts) and compulsions can manifest themselves in different “doses,” says clinical psychologist Mikhail Manukhin. — One can only have obsessions, another suffers from pathological doubts and the search for their resolution, and someone is tormented by rituals and obsessive actions.
Some of these forms are intertwined. In my practice, there was a man who, in order to check the location of his wife using the program installed on his smartphone, had to complete a block of thirty-seven checks (opened the program, found out the location, tapped the screen in a certain way, closed the program — and so on thirty-seven times). Only then did he calm down and be able to go about his business.”
Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder is also known as relationship OCD.
Having dealt once with an attack of suspicion or doubt in an unacceptable but successful way, we remember this attempt and begin to repeat it again and again. But since this solution is dysfunctional, we do not solve our problem, but only worsen it, thereby aggravating our situation and perpetuating the problem.
Mikhail Manukhin in the book “Love is in doubt. Obsessive Compulsive Relationship Disorder lists misguided, dysfunctional ways to deal with anxiety. Here are some of them.
What methods don’t work?
1. An attempt to drown out obsessive thoughts, to suppress, to throw out of the head. Unfortunately, the effect is just the opposite: the more bad thoughts are silenced, the more they fill the mind.
2. Appeal to your feelings in search of evidence or an answer. Listening to yourself: “Do I love my partner or not?” Looking into the eyes of another to determine his attitude. Why is it harmful? The more a person listens to the signals of the body, the more uncertain the reaction of the body can be. Emotions can either increase the degree of sensations, or, conversely, seriously underestimate them.
3. Use of repetitive actions and mental rituals. In an attempt to eliminate and/or control unpleasant feelings, fear and anxiety, some use ritual actions that, if repeated many times, can turn into compulsions. If a girl to neutralize the unpleasant thought “What if I fall in love with my boss?” spits three times over his left shoulder or taps his fingers with a complex rhythmic pattern, then here it is — a ritual of control. Any ritual in the end only enhances the emotions that accompany obsessions, thereby confirming the danger and significance of these thoughts, contributing to their more intense appearance.
4. Avoidance — the most common attempt of a person to cope with his fear. Avoidance is the best way to create and perpetuate a phobia. Fear feeds fear. The more a person resorts to avoidance, the more it confirms that he is not able to cope with his problem. And this leads to a new round of fear.
Typical avoidance patterns in O-OCD:
- a young man who has doubts about his sexual orientation will avoid meeting girls;
- the girl does not go to a meeting of her young man’s friends, as his ex may be there;
- the wife avoids calling her husband, because if she hears a note of irritation or displeasure in his voice, then this will be the exact proof of his dislike for her.
5. Reassurance from others. Distrust of yourself can be compensated by a request to other people, especially close ones. They will certainly say if I am mistaken in something: “Do you really love me? Prove it. Kiss»; “Is he definitely not cheating on me at work with anyone? Tell me right away if you see anything suspicious.» The more a person does not trust himself, turning to others for assurances, the more his feeling of his insolvency, uncertainty in his abilities to make a decision on a particular issue intensifies.
How to break the vicious circle
“The main task of the therapist, who, together with the client, is working on the problem of OCD relationships, is to block dysfunctional attempts at a solution,” says Mikhail Manukhin. — And then the problem will at least stop getting worse, and at the maximum it will be unlocked and even disappear altogether.
Short Term Strategic Therapy (CST) created by Paul Watzlawick and Giorgio Nardone is well suited for this purpose. The essence of the work is for the client to go through new emotional experiences that will help to destroy the painful consequences of experiences from a previous life.
The second tool is reframing, that is, the discovery of new points of view on the situation. In the book Love in Doubt, Mikhail Manukhin offers various exercises for therapeutic work. Some of them can be used as a self-help guide.
Here are two assignments from this book.
1. «Torture» obsessions
To some, this approach may seem mocking. But it is precisely such an active, conscious movement towards the painful that often helps a person get rid of pain. The therapist’s prescription is as follows:
- Every hour for five minutes (and so every day until the next meeting) you must write out your obsessive thoughts on paper. Just translate them from your head through a pen to paper.
- If unwanted thoughts or images come up between the five-minute intervals, try to be with them without reacting to them, without doing anything about them.
- Try convincing yourself to put off «fighting» them until the next five minutes. If it is completely unbearable, then perform a five-minute write-out at such a moment.
Such work shifts the focus of the client’s attention to the process of writing down thoughts on paper. Due to such cunning, his perception of fear when in contact with a threat is reduced.
The second important point is regularity. Getting «in the frame», the symptom loses its spontaneity, becomes manageable
2. «Diary of Cassandra’s prophecies»
Useful for those who always exaggerate the danger of problems and the likelihood of a worse future. The prophetess Cassandra, as you know, was considered a messenger of misfortune. What is the essence of the task?
- The client needs every day in the morning for 15-20 minutes to write options for adverse outcomes of events that may happen to him for the current day.
- Then the list is postponed, and in the evening the client ticks off those events that have become «prophecies», that is, they have come true.
Let’s just say, in reality, bad things come true much less often. This effect allows you to see the situation in a real light, to understand that the assumptions are inspired by your own fear, which means that in the end you get a new emotionally corrective experience.
Important warning!
It can be difficult for a person who works out these tasks on his own to be “in the process” and evaluate the effect from the outside, which can aggravate the situation. Therefore, the participation of a specialist in this work is highly desirable.
Source: Mikhail Manukhin’s book Love in Doubt. Obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder «(Psychology and life, 2021)