Relationship galaxy: how to surround yourself with those with whom we will feel good

Numerous studies show that strong, pleasurable connections have a positive effect on our physical and mental health. Conversely, heavy, rough, absorbing relationships reduce the quality of life.

Therefore, it is important to maintain benevolent relationships and distinguish them from harmful and parasitic ones, emphasizes psychologist Robert Wicks.

But relationships with those who manipulate us and mistreat us are not accidental. We remain at the mercy of toxic connections, unaware of their nature, due to the fact that we are affected by painful impressions of the past. Analyzing the nature of our relationships, we can select valuable ones and distance ourselves from the rest – and thus change our life, give it taste, color, volume, lightness.

Observatory of Relations

Our connections with others can be thought of as a galaxy. Someone is very close to us and “spins in orbit”, and someone is further away, but we feel the force of their attraction.

Before you build your own galaxy, get familiar with the types of relationships listed below. So you can not only understand the nature of your connections and rebuild some of them, but also better understand your needs.

The main relationship is when…

• You can’t imagine your life without someone (or hardly imagine it). You need this connection.

A healthy relationship is when…

• You are on an equal footing (in a relationship that includes two adults): there is no place for contempt, infantilism, dominance and authoritarianism.
• You respect each other (no harassment, insults, physical aggression).
• You are emotionally safe: you are not constantly on guard and do not threaten others yourself. You are not afraid that they will get rid of you at the first opportunity.
• You trust: you feel that nothing you say will be used against you.
• Your relationship is built on the basis of reciprocity: no matter how everyone contributes, no one will feel hurt or offended.
• You communicate sincerely: you speak freely without fear of the reaction of the other.
• You do not need to endlessly prove your benevolence, honesty, sincerity.

A good relationship is when…

• You feel calm and confident.
• It is pleasant for you to feel the eyes of another (but you do not depend on this look).
• You can live by developing different sides of your personality.
• You feel peaceful, healed (after real or old wounds and problems).
• It is the relationship that heals you, not the person.
• You feel that you are understood and appreciated. You operate freely.

A close (trusting) relationship is when…

• You speak freely without fear of judgment.
• You know, you are convinced that your confessions, secrets, stories will never be disclosed without your knowledge and consent.
• It seems to you that the relationship is deep, sincere, exclusive.
• Your relationship is harmonious: you are not thrown from sincerity into detachment.
• You do not confuse incredulity and independence.
• You do not hide behind a social mask, you do not pretend to be anyone.

A developing or inspiring relationship is when…

• You receive and provide information, opinions, ideas, attention, your time, constructive criticism, your emotions.
• You feel that the other enriches you with his experiences, state of mind, ideas, dissimilarity to you, experience, grades, talents … And you are his too.
• You are inspired, inspired, nourished by the energy and ideas of others.

A toxic relationship is when…

• You constantly feel threatened, aggressive, mistreated (in words, behavior, deeds), experience guilt, insecurity, emptiness, sadness, anger. It seems that you are ungrateful, guilty, and also that you are used, manipulated and neglected, that you are despised, suppressed and forgotten …
• It seems to you that they don’t like you, they don’t accept you for who you are (they often criticize and reproach you), you make a lot of efforts to please others or be accepted by them.
• Your relationship lacks reciprocity: you give a lot, but receive almost nothing in return.
• It seems to you that you have only one role, one function, one assignment.
• You hope for changes that don’t happen or don’t last long.

Easy and pleasant relationships are when …

• Your relationship is not that close and constant, but the meetings are pleasant, interesting, joyful, cheerful, you are free to choose a reason.
• These meetings can be short (holiday, business necessity, communication with a neighbor), they put you in a good mood, drive away the bad, making your day or your life a little more joyful.

A supportive relationship is when…

• You like yourself, you read love and sympathy in the eyes of other people.
• You can ask for advice, constructive criticism, hints, participation or financial assistance without hesitation or fear.
• You can show your vulnerability and your worst features without being rebuked or judged.
• In case of difficulty, failure, uncertainty, you will find full support (in time, advice, funds) when you need it.
• You share life’s joys and sorrows with others.

Dream relationships are when…

• Someone occupies your thoughts, feeds desire, you dream about him: a colleague, a stranger with whom you often cross paths, a former partner …
• It can also be real relationships that you want to improve, revive, strengthen (love, family, friends, work).

Who inhabits your galaxy?

Relatives, loved ones, friends, colleagues, neighbors in the apartment or in the area, and so on. There are very few or very many of them. Remember and list them, creating “constellations” of relationships.

1. Who you live with (spouse, children, parents, roommates).
2. Those with whom you have a love and/or sexual relationship.
3. Your friends and buddies (permanent, random).
4. “Formers” with whom you maintain a relationship.
5. Children with whom you communicate (children of your relatives, friends or neighbors, friends of your children).
6. Colleagues (with whom you communicate regularly or from time to time).
7. Members of your family who live far away.
8. Everyday environment (neighbours, concierge, salesmen, postman…).
9. Members of your family who live nearby.
10. Physicians/teachers (local therapist, pharmacist, yoga instructor, dance or Spanish teacher…).
11. The dead who still play a role in your life.

Create your own “star map”

Now, having understood the quality and nature of your connections, you can create your own galaxy. This is not the final version: relationships develop, change, disappear… Don’t forget to update your star map!

Take a sheet of paper and place “constellations” on it with different types of relationships, as in the example below.

Each “constellation” is a certain kind of relationship. Enter the names of your relatives, friends, close and distant acquaintances – everyone who makes up your environment, in accordance with the type of relationship that has been established between you. The name of one person can stand both in one and in several “constellations”.

After completing the map, give yourself time to reflect on impressions (for example: “I didn’t think that I was surrounded by so many people”), emotions and feelings (surprise, relief, joy, nostalgia, sadness, guilt …) and your own contribution to the relationship (“why Am I allowing myself to be manipulated? Am I caring and friendly?” etc.).

Finally, and optionally, you can infer intentions: which connections you would like to maintain and develop, and which ones you would like to make more distant. But do not rush to immediately jump into action: our benefits from communication are not always obvious. Use the information you receive as food for thought.