Contents
Relationship crisis: how to continue loving each other during quarantine or isolation
Gender
Spending more time together than you are used to can negatively affect a relationship.
“My wife tells me to go to the streets, that she pays the fine.” This is one of the hundreds of jokes, witticisms or jokes that circulate these days around WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook o Instagram on the way in which couples live (or suffer) the quarantine or the period of isolation at home. The sense of humor and collective creativity in difficult contexts such as the current one (state of alarm to stop the expansion of Covid-19es Spain) are overwhelming. But the truth is that yes, some couples are spending an average of hours together these days much higher than what they are used to. There are studies that reveal that, after vacation periods (or those that involve longer periods of coexistence) increases the rate of Separations. However, as the psychologist and sex therapist Silvia Sanz points out, in reality it is not time itself that produces friction in the relationship, but the way in which that time is shared. The expert affirms that overcoming that time together It is a challenge and it can also be a stage in which certain areas of the relationship can be strengthened.
The psychologist Laura Fuster shares this opinion, who recalls that the anguish generated by the uncertainty caused by this situation and emotional management become more complicated when we cannot leave home, but that once the anxiety and being calmer, this experience can bring a sense of togetherness and “team” when owners make a positive assessment of how the situation has been handled. “We can assess that there has been a very important crisis that affects many areas of society and that together we have been able to overcome it. We can see the idea that together we are much more than each of us individually, “he explains.
So can he confinement affect the partner? The answer is affirmative, according to Silvia Sanz, who affirms that it can be affected in different ways, although not always in a way. negative. “When couples have more time in common, the only thing that happens is that they sharpen their position: if you have a healthy relationship, with good communication and respect; this time will help you enjoy time together, share activities and long talks, and to live moments of limited leisure, but united. But if in your relationship there is an unresolved issue or a disagreement, surely that will come out in these days that you share more time together, “he argues.
Therefore, it is not the tiempo that you spend together caused by the isolation itself, which produces the deterioration in relationships or ruptures. In reality, what happens with that time, as Sanz clarifies, is that the awareness of problems in the couple that were already latent.
How to get the positive side
Such an experience can be, according to the psychologist and sexologist Raquel Graña, a kind of «Honeymoon» to give yourself the opportunity to meet and meet again.
But for this they must first be established divided spaces and times that allow each of the members of the couple to be alone, despite the fact that the apartment is small.
Afterwards, it is important to stop constantly exposing yourself to negative news and stop talking about them continuously because, as he explains, the only thing that is done with it is to burn the other.
You should also look for some common activity that they both like: some sport, drawing, reading … and that it is possible to do them while being next to each other.
And finally, the expert advises to reinforce the affective part, not the sexual one. «I mean the sweetie, to give hugs, kisses and that both know that the other is a support. Sometimes this is more important than the words themselves “, clarifies Raquel Graña.
The mistakes to avoid
For the psychologist Laura Fuster one of the most important mistakes would be argue over “nonsense”. Thus, he advises to control anger more than ever, since being together for so long can make the discussion go on for hours, even days.
Another common mistake is not making time for yourself. The fact of being in the same house does not mean that everything has to be done together, since not having the possibility of having our “moments” can lead us to have a feeling of anxiety and waste of time.
It is also a mistake limit contact to partner only. “It is important to maintain relationships and talk to different people during these days,” adds Fuster.
For her part, Silvia Sanz, highlights the fact that in these types of situations you usually have time to think, reflect and perhaps discover behaviors and attitudes of the other that you do not like and that lead you to believe that they are not your ideal partner. «The more time you have to think about your relationship, the more decisions for change you can make. Use them to share your reflections with the person you love. It can help you to realize those idealizations that you believed of the other, or simply to improve what you do not like. Think about the positive aspects of your relationship, of your partner. Do not stay only with what you do not like, “he proposes.
Throughout the coexistenceIn addition, friction may arise derived from spending more time together, from leisure restrictions and from the lack of space, which sometimes is not enough for each one to find their own privacy. “All that is bound and not chosen you live worse. And being with people that, although you love, you feel compelled to share absolutely all the time of your day, it can be frustrating. And the discomfort generated by the situation itself can lead you to pay it with the person you love the most. Stop and think if what bothers you is really important, or are you displacing your discomfort due to the situation of isolation, thus focusing on what you think you have control over, such as your partner’s behavior, ”argues Silvia Sanz.
Keys to staying united
For the psychologist Laura Fuster it is essential to establish schedules y Routines during the days when we have to stay at home. In his opinion, having a schedule (in which we include time for sports at home, leisure, meals, work and rest) increases our sense of control, since we know what we are going to do during the day and that contributes to reducing stress.
In addition, the psychologist explains that it is important organize time in a balanced way between moments alone, time as a couple and what we dedicate to connect with other people.
Another useful tip is, according to Fuster, to perform activities that we like and they provide us with positive emotions so that our mood increases and that benefits our relationship as a couple.
To avoid one of the errors mentioned above, the psychologist Laura Fuster proposes that we learn to manage thoughts so as not to fall into unimportant discussions. For this, he advises that we be clear that the other person does not do things to hurt us and that, if at any time they have a comportamiento that we do not like, it is probably the result of the stressful and uncertain situation that we are experiencing.
Finally, one of the key points will be communicate emotions. «The expression of feelings or thoughts can help my partner understand that my anger or anxiety does not have to do with him / her but with the situation we are experiencing. In this way, the other person will understand me better and will be able to look for the resources that are within their reach to be able to give me a hand, ”says Fuster.
«As if it were something you have chosen»
To avoid possible differences and unnecessary conflicts, Silvia Sanz advises trying to focus this time together as a stage of rest, connection and, above all, “as if it were something that you have chosen”, because, as he clarifies, only the idea of feeling that it is going to be long and that you will not be able to leave the house, anguish more.
That is why Silvia Sanz proposes to turn the situation around and think about all those moments when you felt like it Work from home and spend more time with your partner. “This is the moment. It will not last forever. Just as we will appreciate more being in company or going to work in person, you will value being at home these days together, seeking understanding. Rediscover the other, take advantage of the extra time to touch, smell, enjoy and do everything that you are passionate about ”, suggests Sanz.
It may also be an ideal time for dialogue, to hold conversations without haste, to talk about all those concerns that the routine and the day to day never allowed you: talk about the other, about yourself, about the welfare as a whole, about your plans, your projects, or about your good moments and those that can be improved or even about those little or big things that bother you about each other. But, yes, speak and communicate in a loving way. It is time for connection, not reproach.
What yes …
- Enhance your privacy: naps together, caresses, relaxed meals, shared memories …
- Take the time to love and enjoy the other person
- Stay calm in conflicts
- Try to be flexible. That does not mean giving in to any approach but rather accepting the opinion of the other.
- Listen actively, repeating what you have understood to avoid misinterpretations
- Negotiate to reach a reasonable consensus, where one yields once and the other the next.
What not …
- Forget about you and not spend time. Spending time together is great, but find your space and your rewarding activities
- Sharing 24/7 with your life partner can drown you. Wanting time for yourself does not mean that you love him less. It is taking care of yourself to give the best version of yourself
- Get frustrated or discouraged if an argument arises. The problem may arise in how you deal with the unforeseen, not in the unforeseen events themselves
- Show your feelings and opinions reproachfully. You better do it the way you would like to be exposed to you
Overall good channels flexible and the organization They are the fundamental basis to spend this period in a calm way that allows you to bond more with the person you love. «Everything will pass, optimize these days to connect more with your partner and get something positive out of the experience. This is history », Silvia Sanz sentenced.