So, the situation with your child has come to a standstill. You no longer know what to do — nothing helps. You have already explained to him a thousand times, “talked in a good way”, tried to negotiate, and even on the advice of some psychologist “wrote a contract and hung it on the wall” (it was about the fact that every day he takes out the trash, does his homework and sits no more than two hours a day on the computer). Once you broke down and smashed his phone against the wall, and he threw a glass of pencils at you … Dead end. Nothing helps!
Then and just then — the “two-step method” from the backyard of my childhood.
— The situation is deadlocked! you acknowledge and declare. – I did this and that, it does not help, and we all see it! It only gets worse and worse! So for starters, I just stop doing everything I was doing. By default, simply by agreeing with all the adult members of the family (they are probably as tired of conflicts as you are). And honestly informing the child: I can’t do it anymore! Exhausted. Tired. Everything. All! Done! Two! Step back!
They drove to school under escort — they stopped driving. They demanded to show the diary in the evenings — we do not demand. They took away the gadget — we do not take it away. They gave a gadget in exchange for something — they stopped giving it. Shouted every evening — stopped yelling. They lifted a bucket of cold water on their heads to school — they stopped raising them. Affectionately persuaded — ceased to persuade. They never talked about feelings — they started talking (not to him, into space). Zadolbali all their feelings — shut up. A simple pattern: they stopped doing everything that they did on this field before. In the limit:
— Good morning, Petenka!
— Good night, Petenka!
And that’s all.
They set a deadline for themselves (and everyone else) — two, three weeks.
You (and the rest of the family) just relax during these weeks. Come to your senses. At the same time, you can talk about “nature, weather and crop prospects”, of course. If the child himself came to you with a question or problem — accept, clearly and briefly answer. If the question is: “Buy me an eighth iPhone” — the answer is: “I won’t buy it” (this is in your power). If the question is: «Can I go to my friends’ dacha with an overnight stay?» — answer: “I would not want you to go, but I can’t physically detain you (it’s not in your power), and I no longer have the strength to yell and conflict. Decide.» If the decision is made in your favor, do not forget to give positive feedback — there are chances, the child, the teenager, after all, also wants to keep, consolidate an unusual conflict-free existence for more than two weeks.
That’s the whole technique. By itself, it does not solve any problems, but it really allows you to break the «vicious circle» of self-reproducing, exhausting and not leading to anything constructive family conflicts.
But, resting from conflicts, mentally you, of course, work. During these three weeks, you (and your family) need to form a plan for how to live on. Moreover, the plan should be for the entire time remaining until the child grows up. If, for example, he is now 14 years old and he is studying for a solid “XNUMX”, then the plan is “before the army”, for four years. Understand for yourself: what do you do and what do you not do? And once again: there, in this plan, there is nothing about «he should», there is only what you (and other relatives) do. For example: if you study at a technical school, we feed you until you graduate. And if you don’t study, then at the age of 16 we give you a passport in the teeth, and you go to get a job. You settle down, we live peacefully, like adults — everything is fine, although we, of course, are for education and will do our best to help if you get together. If you don’t get a job, we feed the minimum (without paying for the Internet) until eighteen and until we are able to exchange an apartment and allocate you a room. Then you go there and meet in the American way — for a Christmas turkey. Any attempt to somehow settle down normally in life: work, study, etc. — you can count on our full support.
Or any other plan that is convenient and feasible for you (family).
For example: yes, do what you want, while you are alive, I will bring you coffee in bed in the morning and turn on the gadget, but when I die, settle down yourself, I still won’t see it.
Most importantly, then you really do what you planned and about what honestly told the child. If you doubt that you can do this or that, the plan should initially be different. Only that, in the reality and feasibility of which you have no doubt.
Try. I wish you success!
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.