Relations with a married man: what is the danger?

Perhaps you see yourself as a savior who frees a man from the captivity of an unhappy marriage. But no, you are an accomplice of deceit. A man deceives his wife, whom he does not want to part with, and you, first of all, deceive yourself. Elena K. did this until she found the strength to break this connection. She decided to share the conclusions that she made on the basis of sad experience.

Confidence

You have every chance that he will not be true to you either. Even if you convince a man to leave his family or he himself convinces himself that “the grass is greener on the other side”, you will stay with a person who is potentially ready for betrayal. Why would he, disappointed in your relationship, again not find a replacement?

Priorities

You will never be the main one in his life. Obligations to his wife and children will always come first for him. If this is not the case, you should think about what kind of man you want to connect your life with. Can you rely on him?

Why do you agree to such a relationship?

1. Fear of getting closer. Even if you are convinced that you do not want to get married, choose someone who is free. Then it will really be your own, not an imposed choice. Sometimes it seems that as long as we are connected only by physical relationships without obligations, this will not hurt. A big misconception, because over time, a person becomes dear to you, and relationships turn into torment.
2. Think you don’t deserve better. In this case, it is important to stop clinging to the man who paid attention to you, and work on self-confidence. Now I understand — it’s better to be alone than to play in a relationship with a person who cannot be with you.

If you think you’re not hurting anyone, you’re wrong. The man, most likely, convinced you that his wife doesn’t care how he spends his time, and she stopped loving him a long time ago. In most cases, this is not the case. When a woman finds out about the betrayal, it will hurt her. If there are children in the family, they will inevitably suffer as well.

It took me through suffering and wasted years before I realized that I deserve better than a man who is not able to be honest with others or with himself. If he and his wife are so unhappy in marriage, what prevents him from getting a divorce? Does he tell you that he loves you? He also said this to his wife. Chances are good that he repeated it last night when they went to bed. If you are dating a married man, you are depriving yourself of a fulfilling and healthy relationship with a person who will cherish only you.

Expert Commentary

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

The reasons why a woman chooses a married man can be very different. Simple naivety and inexperience. We all learn from our own experience, and it often seems that the chosen one loves us and only the wife interferes with happiness. Meeting with reality, as a rule, eliminates illusions.

Subconscious unpreparedness for long-term close relationships also makes you choose inaccessible men. It may also be a hidden response to social pressure to «get married.» The unwillingness of a man to divorce turns out to be a kind of apology and causes sympathy.

There are more complex reasons. For example, in adulthood, we unconsciously repeat the plot of our relationship with our parents in the hope of completing it. Beloved father left for another family, and the girl dreams of returning him all her life. When she grows up, she begins to like exclusively family men much older than her. She can sincerely believe that this is love and a man should leave the family. If this happens, most likely she will be disappointed, because she dreamed of returning her father, and not getting a husband.

What is the destructiveness of such relationships?

You do not go through the process of gradually getting to know your partner. He is turned to you by the best side, and the part hidden from you is turned to the family. With you, he rests his soul, quarrels with his wife, and you do not know everything about him that you usually learn about a free partner. As a consequence of such one-sidedness, an illusion may arise: he is so incredibly good that you are ready to wait for him all his life. In reality, this is an ordinary man with a standard set of flaws, but you do not have the opportunity to get to know them. You cease to belong to yourself, rearrange your life plans and invest all your strength in someone else’s situation (perhaps even in strengthening someone else’s family).

Cheating in a couple happens when the partners can’t cope with the tension that arises, while they are not mature enough to talk about it. Then there is a suddenly flashed forbidden love as a way to get rid of the accumulated negativity, raise self-esteem, receive warmth and sympathy, without making efforts to change something in your family. Sincere and honest relationships are possible only after the end of the relationship with the previous partner.