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The first relationship that each of us knows is the relationship with the mother. How does its absence affect the development of the child? And why is it of particular importance to men? The psychoanalyst speaks.
Olga, 32, and Pavel, 38, met while working on a joint project. Both were delighted with each other and the first six months of their communication passed under the auspices of absolute harmony and romance. But over time, something went wrong in the relationship. Pavel was always dissatisfied, as if he began to distance himself. Olga desperately tried to restore relations. I tried to be gentle and caring. Pavel pointed out to her that she was doing everything wrong: she didn’t love him that way, didn’t respect him, didn’t hear his needs. And the woman felt helpless.
Pavel is a wealthy successful businessman who has achieved everything himself. He worked very hard, was never officially married, constantly entered into relationships with different girls, was quickly fascinated and cooled down just as quickly. As a child, he was fond of various sports, various activities, he could not stop at anything to do it seriously.
When Pavel was two years old, his parents divorced — his mother, having left for another city, left her son to his father and did not maintain relations with him. His father raised Pavel on his own and did not marry a second time. He explained that he did not want to be disappointed again.
How might Paul’s childhood affect his ability to build close relationships with the opposite sex?
The meaning of the mother figure
Mother gives us life: not only in the physical sense, but also in the psychological one. During pregnancy and in the first year of a child’s life, the infant and mother are in complete fusion. Therefore, the first relationship that a baby learns is his relationship with his mother. It depends on whether he felt loved, desired and valuable, how his future life will develop.
You need to understand that a mother can be physically present — be there, feed, dress, play, but be absent emotionally.
The French psychoanalyst André Green called this phenomenon the dead mother complex. Such a mother is immersed in herself, does not respond to the emotional needs of the child and thus does not give him the opportunity to go through the necessary stages of psychological development. Why does it happen? Perhaps because of problems at work, omissions with her husband, postpartum depression or some kind of addiction. There are many reasons.
Of course, other circumstances of this child’s life are of great importance. At what age did he end up without a mother? Were there any other adults nearby who were emotionally involved in his life: grandmothers, aunts, nannies or male relatives? If they were, then the loss of the parent object can be compensated. But only in part.
Mother is the image of the world. It is the ability to love, trust, feel worthy, normal, happy
If the mother was not around or for some reason she could not respond emotionally to the child, it is obvious that he did not receive unconditional love. This deficit will make itself felt throughout life: through a sense of rejection, lack of the right to life and free manifestations of oneself, self-doubt, the inability to trust others and build good reliable relationships with them.
How the absence of a mother affects personal life
If the most important person has rejected you, how can you believe that you are worthy of love? Such a child from childhood gets used to mental pain and carries it through his whole life. And, of course, presents it to partners. After all, he is waiting for unconditional love, and a partner, no matter how wonderful he may be, cannot give it.
Pavel tried to get recognition of his significance and exclusivity from Olga, but everything she did did not satisfy his hunger for unconditional maternal love. Olga, on the other hand, fell under the parental projection and turned out to be loaded with functions that were not her own. Hence her feeling of helplessness — no one can replace her mother.
Very often in such relationships there is no jealousy and sex disappears, since the partner is perceived as a parental figure, in particular, as a mother, and they do not sleep with the mother. Only care and attention remain in the focus of attention — the need for unconditional love turns out to be more important than sexual relations.
Since Pavel could not build a relationship with a real mother or a substitute for her, his image of relationships with women is full of idealizations.
No matter how much our parents love us, they are real people with their own limitations, weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Paul has a huge number of requirements for a woman. In his mind, there is an ideal image, an unrealizable dream of a woman who can love the way her mother should have loved.
And this image prevents him from interacting with the real woman with whom he is in a relationship. He doesn’t seem to see her. And, of course, he is not ready to meet halfway, to enter into her position, to take into account her interests, just as a three-year-old child cannot do this in relation to his mother.
Why do women find themselves in relationships with such men?
Partners do not choose each other by chance — unconsciously we are looking for what suits us, what responds to our development tasks. We are looking for something familiar, some emotions that we already experienced in childhood, because we know how to deal with them. And we want to reproduce this experience in our partnerships.
It is important for Olga to be a good, saving figure. Most likely, she feels she is not valuable enough and believes that she needs to make some effort in order to “deserve” happiness. In a relationship with a constantly demanding and dissatisfied partner, this happens by itself.
What to do in this situation?
What if your man grew up without maternal love? It is important to understand whether you have the resources and desire to cope with this difficult situation. If you yourself are traumatized, if in your own childhood there was a lack of love and acceptance from parental figures, it may be difficult for you to withstand the unconscious demands of partners for you as a mother.
It is necessary to realize your own value, look for internal supports, notice your needs and find opportunities to implement them. Try to move away from illusions and idealizations. Acknowledge your limitations and support yourself.
Relationships like this are never easy. And much here depends on the internal capabilities of each of the partners and their mutual desire to preserve the union.