The door to change is closed. The partners intend to save the marriage and return intimacy. But is the solution enough to deal with the devastating effects of infidelity? What will facilitate recovery and help open the door to a new life?
Psychologies:What difficulties do partners face after infidelity?
Alexander Chernikov, family psychotherapist: The main difficulty is that in addition to the problems in marriage that were before the betrayal, a new relationship trauma arises. Therefore, it is important that the unfaithful partner admits that he has hurt the other.
My work experience shows that the cheater most often underestimates the severity of the situation, does not realize how serious a blow to the partner’s identity and self-esteem has been. Experiences associated with infidelity, in every third case, can be considered as post-traumatic stress disorder.
How does this disorder manifest itself?
The victim often has flashbacks — flashes of memories or images of betrayal that spontaneously arise in the imagination. In trauma therapy, there is the concept of a «window of tolerance» — this is the optimal level of arousal at which we are aware of what is happening, understand our condition and make informed decisions.
But if we are injured, we constantly fly out of this window, we are overexcited or, conversely, depressed. In this state, it is impossible to think logically and talk calmly. The victim is on guard at all times. And at the same time experiencing shame and suffering from low self-esteem. This may go on for several years.
Maybe it’s better not to talk about treason?
If you avoid this topic, you can get stuck in trauma. But it is important that conversations are not limited to accusations and investigation of details. You should not spend many hours of exhausting conversations that do not bring relief.
How often should a couple discuss cheating?
It depends on the desire of the victim, because in most cases he is simply not able to think and talk about something else. But the intensity of his experiences is so high that it is unbearable for a cheater to endure tense communication for a long time, and he begins to avoid it. There is a vicious circle of persecution-dismissal. Everyone faces a difficult task: to speak only about their experiences, their pain, and not call them names and label them.
Usually, criticism leads to the fact that partners fly out of the window of tolerance and stop hearing each other. And the task is precisely to try to calm down and return to this window of tolerance. An important rule is to discuss the motives for cheating, not its details. Asking and telling how much money was spent on the novel, where they went on vacation, how they had sex is not useful, because this only increases the pain of the victim.
In fact, he only needs key information: with whom, when, how long it lasted, what needs underlie the betrayal, in order to understand why the other did it, what he felt. Understanding each other’s motives, however painful, helps the couple get through the crisis. By opening up, the cheater becomes more predictable, and the restoration of relationships is easier.
Such conversations can be difficult for both.
Most likely they will. And each of the two will need patience and a desire to help not only themselves, but also the other. The cheating party must understand that the partner’s sharp reactions, his caustic remarks, complaints or anger are a common condition in post-traumatic disorder.
How to respond to complaints and accusations?
Comfort, show your love again and again, because behind the endless questions about the details of betrayal is the partner’s desire to understand whether he is important to another or no longer.
Since negative images often appear in the imagination of the victim after betrayal, it is important that both partners try to calmly figure out what has become a trigger at the moment, what has launched a new round of experiences: a random word, look or photo in social networks. Knowing this, it is easier to avoid emotional failures and stabilize the situation.
And one more rule: the cheater must build rigid boundaries in relations with a former lover or mistress. Especially if they meet at work or in a common company. When these frameworks are agreed and the partner, in principle, does not hide where he is, what he is doing and with whom, that is, he allows the wounded husband or wife to control himself, this works to restore contact and trust.
Therefore, the one who cheated, but wants to restore relations, must find the strength to give up a defensive position (“I won’t explain myself” and “it’s my own fault”) and even partly from their independence — at least for a while — in order to calm the other and not provoke his anxiety.
A partner who has committed adultery often believes that the other does not appreciate him enough …
The perpetrator of the drama is trying to avoid accusations against him, he needs to justify himself somehow, and counter-reproaches that he is not appreciated enough is one of such attempts. But it is more constructive for relationships if the cheater perceives the partner’s pain not as a reproach, but as a recognition of his importance to him: “If I weren’t so important to her (or if I wasn’t important to him), he or she there wouldn’t be so much suffering. And it is in my power to heal this wound.»
It turns out that we must agree that I am a scoundrel or a scoundrel?
Not at all: it is not the consent of the traitor that he is a scoundrel or a scoundrel that heals. In the end, he had his own truth and his own positive task, perhaps he even tried in this way to save the couple, and not destroy it. Another thing is that, moving towards the solution of this problem, she or he caused suffering to a neighbor — someone whom they still love or, at least, to whom they are still attached.
This is what must be acknowledged. Don’t make a formal apology. You know how in transport we apologize by stepping on our feet. Maybe sincerely, but so, in passing. After cheating, it doesn’t work. “I’ve already apologized a hundred times, what else do you want?” Hearing such words and annoying intonation, the other concludes: my pain is not important. Well, since it is not important, it is difficult to trust, to go for proximity.
The injured party in daily conversations is looking for confirmation that the other one empathizes with him and recognizes his rights to resentment, anger and indignation. This expression of regret and compassion, love and affection is the effective apology that heals. And then the wounded partner slowly begins to calm down.
Over time, flashbacks and the triggers that trigger them disappear, and warmth, openness, mutual understanding and trust return to the relationship. A wounded partner is no longer afraid and does not live in anticipation of a blow, he is less jealous and in control.
If a returnee yearns for a former lover, can another understand him?
It is hardly worth counting on understanding here. In order for the relationship to improve, or at least begin to improve, it is necessary that the process of mourning be completed and an emotional end be put in other relationships. And that the second was able to accept and forgive. And it depends on many factors: on how the cheater acts, how much the injured partner can again feel important in this relationship.
But it can also be influenced by the personality of the injured partner. It may be too difficult for him to forgive if he (she) does not have enough self-esteem, if he (she) has already suffered from betrayal before. But such work can be a starting point for personal development.
And for relationships — in what cases is there a reason for an optimistic forecast?
The desire to understand the motives of another, the presence of compassion for the pain of a partner, honesty and the ability to be open in one’s vulnerability to a loved one greatly increase the chances of maintaining and developing relationships. Marriage therapy can also help, as its purpose is to provide a safe place for partners to meet each other.