Refusal to refusal is different: what is our “no”

WHY WE DON’T GET THIS

In early childhood, we easily shout: “No!”, becoming teenagers, we yell even louder, and then … everything! As if someone turns off this ability. How to explain the disappearance of this useful word from the speech of adults?

Because we are afraid

We need to feel safe. And in order to say “no”, especially. To say “no” means to refuse to submit to someone else’s will, to express disagreement with a certain order of things. And this is easy to do only when we are sure that we will be heard and that, due to the refusal of life, nothing threatens.

Sometimes there really is no other choice but to lie low and be silent in response to aggression in our direction (if this is often repeated and associated with violence, it is better to stop such a relationship). However, more often there are situations when we do not dare to say “no”, although the fears are unfounded, and the free expression of our own opinion would only benefit.

Why do we give in? We are afraid of conflict, confrontation, sanctions, isolation in public and private life. And all this in the name of illusory harmony. This is especially true in love.

We often think that love means always and in everything agreeing with a partner. This is the danger of the “myth about us” that romantic culture has nurtured: “if you love, you will understand.” It is impossible to say “no” because we are afraid of offending or losing a partner – and as a result, we forget about our own dreams and goals, turning them into some kind of abstraction.

… We were brought up like that

Saying “no” means declaring disagreement and thereby showing oneself, making oneself visible to others. As children, we all naturally turned away from the spoon with something tasteless. Then, in the process of education, they learned to suppress this ancient and so important ability of rejection, which in essence is a form of presenting oneself to the world.

If we were raised by overly strict or busy parents who set a lot of prohibitions without explanation or reason, then as an adult it will be difficult to say “no” in the right place and at the right time.

After all, it is precisely the understanding why our “no” is not accepted that helps to see others, to fit into society, without denying oneself. This in itself is a difficult task: the norms and rhythm of everyday life make it difficult to think about situations.

We are under constant pressure, and it is very difficult to slow down in order to understand what I want to say yes to and what I want to answer no to. It would be nice to give yourself a break and explore your desires, wouldn’t it?

Seven different “no”

No, it’s out of the question! This is a complete failure that does not allow changes in the decision made. Such a “no” is used: in disagreements, rebellion, in situations considered as lawlessness. And for self-affirmation.

“No” to protect your territory. Often occurs when a sense of danger in interaction with others. Such a refusal automatically springs up from those who were not given freedom in childhood and who experience any proposal as an invasion or hypercontrol.

“No” to deprive another of pleasure. It indicates the need for authoritarianism and power, this is a distorted way to get pleasure by infringing on the interests and needs of other people.

“No” to give yourself time to think. Highly emotional and sensitive people often refuse unexpected offers in order to process the information, imagine themselves in a new situation, and make an informed decision.

“No” provocative to emphasize its peculiarity. This is teenage denial, the task of which is to stand out in the world of adults, to protest against established rules, to identify one’s own peculiarity, to show differences from others. In adolescence, there is a desire to assert itself, but civilized forms have not yet been developed. Often adolescents need help and advice and at the same time strive for independence, demonstrating a refusal to obey like a child.

“No” as an educational tool. The parental “no” denotes boundaries, prohibitions and creates in the child a sense of frustration necessary for development. Parents limit and direct the child, but allow him to experience and experiment.

“No” to not accept the situation that affects us. Freud identified denial as a psychic defense mechanism. It turns on in situations that are difficult to cope with, such as heavy losses, the loss of loved ones, beloved pets … From unbearable pain, a person says: “No, this is impossible, this cannot be.”