Reconciling baby and work: the 5 diktats to be broken!

Reconciling Baby and work… Pff! Officially, the dad is involved, the childcare arrangements are varied, we benefit from gender equality… What to complain about? In fact, we have the pressure, and we put the bar at the height of a giraffe’s head. Because, without wanting it, everyone, friends, family, society, (and ourselves often!) Imposes on us patterns, models in small sentences, counter-examples or small pouts which further increase our famous “mental load” and our guilt. So, we suggest that you start by “washing your head”, and diverting the scuds that are rotting the head and the life of a young mother, baby in one arm, laptop in the other!

1 – A perfect mother? It’s necessarily you!

Myth and re-myth! Even today, we wait without really saying it that a young mother is super presentable, with a clean and well-kept house, a well-dressed baby, a top figure. Modern then, but all the same well at home…. Stop! you have to say it to yourself and repeat it: “it is not possible. We must definitely give up keeping everything perfect and accept that concretely, the young mother will no longer be able to manage everything perfectly, nor on her own. »Announces psychologist Caroline Lambert.

2 – Baby or work, you have to choose

“Are you sure you’re going back already in a month?” Can’t you work it out? “. “It will make you long days (implied to the baby too)” … Well balanced, the girlfriend! Right where it hurts so much we feel guilty by wanting to look like a phantasmal mother.

“It’s complicated to work again with a three-month-old baby, but the young mother needs a minimum of social balance. Because the greatest difficulty is often isolation. And the child will also be supported, “carried” psychologically by the other interests of his mother, then fulfilled. »Explains the shrink.

The question of staying at home or working again must also be weighed with the spouse and take all the parameters of this new life into account: the cost of childcare for example, but also the woman’s financial independence! “You should know that the choices made in the first months will be part of the dynamics of the couple and that they will then be difficult to change” explains the psychologist. If, for example, we decide to resume our work when the child is 3 years old, the father will find his balance during this period of time, and rely on his wife who is present at home permanently…. After her maternity leave, the young mother continues to manage everything, she returns to work overwhelmed and ends up quitting, “burn-out”. The arrangement of the new schedule, of the new life, must be done from birth.

3 – A baby needs his mother

By implication, she must devote herself entirely to her child. Yes, a baby needs his mother to give him the emotional security that will allow him to grow up independently and then make him endure the separations. But “We should rather say” A baby needs his mother … in good shape! ” »Adds the psychologist. Going from woman to mother requires a lot of energy and effort from a psychic point of view, the family model can be very heavy and the face to face with the baby can be difficult to bear. “It is important to be supported in the first moments with the child. The social link is there to help the young mother. »Insists Caroline Lambert.

4 – You just need to want to organize yourself

“When the young mother thinks that she can do everything, do everything head-on while still being active at night, after the baby has gone to bed, she endangers her health in the long term. We must find a solution so that she sleeps! The young father does not have this idea of ​​omnipotence ”. Let us also take the case of women who have responsibilities, suggests Caroline Lambert. At birth, fathers rarely change their professional constraints. The woman, she is very severely judged for example if she has professional trips, especially with a young child. It is seen as the abandonment of the home! We must twist our necks at these representations while the woman organizes and puts everything in place so that the baby is well in her absence. “

5 – The father is important when the child is older

Who hasn’t heard “Oh, your Jules is going to be a great daddy when Tom is old enough to play soccer!” “, Implied by then it is your role casserole … No. Symbolically, the father is above all there to help the mother to get rid of the child. It is the third that has a separating effect. But he can take his place in babywearing, cuddling to create an emotional bond with his child from birth. “Whether he changes the diapers or not, that’s not what matters from a builder’s point of view. The distribution of tasks depends on each person’s image and their ideals. The father can intervene in certain everyday actions where he is more comfortable than in others. The psychologist continues: “The important thing is to involve the dad already in the decisions, the choices, from the start. Let her do the nanny’s pay slips, for example. The father must have to live the daily life and do certain tasks himself to understand what it is to live with a baby and to experience it for himself. “If he only hears instructions, he’s not going to want to go home. He feels himself to be the mother’s employee, with plenty of reproaches. The complaint of an exhausted young mother is then not heard ”. The best method? Give the baby to the father for a few hours and let him fend for himself. Mothers tend to look too intrusive on what the father is doing. But if we let him act alone, he will take his role in hand, dare, get out of hand, and do it his way!  

And there, it may be won!