Obstacles in our path often arise from deep-seated self-hatred. A social psychologist points out five clear signs of self-hatred and ways to get rid of this unconscious feeling and finally become whole.
“Self-hatred is a feeling that we rarely realize,” says Charles Roizman. – First, it is so unpleasant and destructive that we force it out. Secondly, when we encounter difficulties, we most often think that other people or adverse circumstances have caused them. We find it hard to admit that they are caused by our internal problems and what creates these problems: an unworthy image of ourselves.
Why are we talking about hatred and not a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem? “Because this is a very specific feeling that causes a distorted image of ourselves as a monster: we are fully aware of ourselves as bad, inadequate, good for nothing.”
The disgusting creature that we want to hide from others and from ourselves at all costs is actually a wounded creature: in childhood, family members or others tortured us, tormented by ridicule, incessant accusations, withdrawal, rejection and ill-treatment, and all this makes us still be ashamed of ourselves.
Experienced violence in the past makes us think that we are doing wrong all the time, forcing us to give up ourselves in favor of others or to submit to those who inspire fear in us. But in most cases, we do not even have a clear awareness of what we have experienced. And instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we continue to mistreat ourselves and consider ourselves pathetic.
Am I really guilty, or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?
In essence, self-hatred is love that has been disappointed and turned into its opposite. Injuries prevent us from becoming who we hope to be. And we do not forgive ourselves.
Our flawed self-image cannot but affect our lives. But if we find them, we will have a chance to get rid of them.
Charles Roizman offers three paths to healing:
“First, look at how we treat others—demandingly, critically—to better understand how we were treated.
Secondly, to identify our negative ideas about ourselves and try to understand where they come from.
Thirdly, and most importantly, to learn to distinguish between fantasy and reality: are the reproaches that I address myself justified? Am I really guilty, or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?
At some point, you need to start fighting with yourself and stop condemning yourself in advance. By recognizing the signs of self-hatred in various areas of life, we can more easily accept our shortcomings as well as our strengths.”
In our relationship
Reproduction of violence, difficulty creating intimate space.
Because we are unaware of what has been done to us, we run the risk of unknowingly being inattentive in turn, blaming, oppressing, and humiliating partners, children, colleagues… what they are, and to show themselves as we really are. That is to ultimately create intimacy.”
We hide behind (too) positive self-images (cute, perfect, loyal) or behind too provocative ones (“I am who I am, whether you like it or not”, “I value my freedom too much to mess with anyone”) . These positions allow us to keep others at a distance, but also betray a deep-seated self-doubt.
In our achievements
Abandoned dreams, talents buried in the ground.
“Due to the fact that we do not love ourselves enough, it is difficult for us to achieve our goals: we do not take our dreams seriously, we do not dare to fulfill our desires, we simply do not give ourselves such an opportunity,” notes Charles Roizman.
We are forever postponing the life we would like to lead: we feel neither worthy nor capable of happiness.
And then we either comfort ourselves or engage in self-sabotage. And at the same time, we will never realize our underestimated potential. Boredom and the feeling that we are not living our own life are sure signs of self-hatred that we do not recognize. To come to terms with our disappointments, we convince ourselves that no one ever does what they want in life.
In our work
Unfulfilled ambitions, impostor syndrome.
In the same way, self-hatred holds back professional development. If we are convinced of our insignificance, if we do not give ourselves the right to make a mistake, then any encounter with difficulties in mastering new tasks, any criticism can become unbearable. Instead of listening to our desire to develop, we pretend that we have no ambitions, that we grant this right to others. “We turn the contempt we feel for ourselves on those who succeed and whom we envy, although we cannot admit it to ourselves,” says Charles Roizman.
If, despite all this, we achieve a position of responsibility, we are in for the impostor syndrome: “We do not feel capable of fulfilling the functions entrusted to us, and we are horrified at the thought that we are about to be exposed,” he explains. Self-hatred prevents us from recognizing our virtues: if we succeed, it is only because others have made a mistake about us.
In our body
Non-recognition of beauty, neglect of health
How we take care of ourselves is obviously related to how much we value ourselves. If we were once neglected, now we neglect ourselves: shapeless clothes, sloppy hair… If we cannot appear in public without elaborate makeup or elaborate attire, this also indicates a lack of self-confidence and an unwillingness to be seen in natural state.
What is not so obvious, self-hatred is also manifested in neglect of one’s health: we do not go to the dentist, gynecologist. We think that we deserve this destruction, suffering, and we do not dare to show someone the parts of our body that we were made to be ashamed of.
In our affections
The need for “crutches”, difficulties with the choice
“When we were children and we failed to get confirmation of our existence through approval, permission, recognition from our parents, this dealt a blow to our ability to be independent,” explains Charles Roizman. Having matured, we do not know how to make decisions, make choices on our own. We still need to lean on someone, and if that someone is not available, then on something.
This addiction creates the basis for obsessive needs and painful attachments. It also makes us vulnerable to sexual harassment and malicious manipulation. One way or another, it testifies to our conviction that we do not deserve the right to exist on our own.
About the Expert: Charles Roizman is the founder of social psychotherapy and co-author of How to Love Yourself in Hard Times.