Contents
Hello dear blog readers! Fear of relationships can cause a feeling of total loneliness, which leads to depression. Today we will try to figure out why this kind of fear arises, as well as explore ways to help deal with it.
Evidence
A person who is afraid of intimacy does not always shy away from other people. And he does not live in the forest at all, so as not to intersect with anyone. This phobia manifests itself in a completely different way.
For example, a family was created, but did not last long. Or the person is quite successful in working communication, but only on superficial topics. In the sexual sphere, everything can be fine, but only if the partner for the night or with him has an agreement that there is only sex between them, nothing more.
By the way, even stinginess is a sign of fear of approaching. That is, subconsciously, the individual performs actions that repel him.
Causes
Considering that each person is unique, with his own specific baggage of experience, there can be as many reasons as there are people. But here I will indicate those that are most common.
Not ideal
A narcissistic person is very afraid of devaluation or disappointment. He thinks if the partner sees that he is not perfect, but quite an ordinary person, with his own shortcomings and limitations, he will definitely reject him.
This happens because he himself is not ready to accept himself as he is. I won’t go into too much detail why this is so, but it’s mostly due to parental messages in childhood, which sounded like this to him: “Be the way we want you to be, then we will love you.”
Then it is not surprising that he develops a phobia of intimacy. He thinks that those around him, seeing mediocrity or something else, in his opinion, does not cause admiration — they will definitely pass by, in search of a more worthy person.
Most often, such personalities seem very extraordinary, as they try their best to attract attention. Sometimes it seems that they are just masterfully able to flirt and communicate. They win recognition and often achieve tremendous success. But they don’t let you get close.
The thought of exposure is terrifying. Therefore, even if relations with the opposite sex begin, the distance will increase with each attempt of the partner to become closer.
What to do?
Lowering the bar
In this case, it is very difficult to give any recommendations, if only because the phrase: “There are no ideal people, so you don’t have to be afraid to be yourself” seems to be quite understandable and logical, but only in words. Because it’s hard to take it like that and stop worrying about your vulnerability.
Try to look at the people around you. Yes, many are annoying with their weaknesses and shortcomings. But they are what they are. And they are still loved. It is interesting, but it is much easier to be near «mere mortals». Because you can relax. That is, while you are on a pedestal, this does not mean that they want to be with you and dream of being like you.
Most famous personalities cause others to envy and annoy, because they live a wonderful life, devoid of difficulties and troubles. But this is not true, no one is immune from failures and losses, no matter how ideal it may seem. He can only carefully hide it.
More often, such situations arise with men when they do not dare to approach the woman they like because she will understand that he is not so omnipotent. Why keep her at a distance, demonstrating their independence.
Self-sufficiency
No matter how much you want to close yourself from everyone, considering that it is quite possible to live alone, but calmly and without needing anyone, I hasten to disappoint you. Man is a social being and you should not indulge yourself with the illusion that you will be able to deceive nature.
Humanity is only on the verge of great discoveries regarding cloning. Therefore, in order to continue the race, we still need another person. When we are confused and do not know how to live on, it is important to get support and speak out to another. Even entrepreneurs are dependent on their customers, consumers.
In general, it is important to recognize that you need loved ones — this is not embarrassing, because it is quite natural.
autism
Autism is not a disease, but just a feature to direct the vector of attention to internal experiences. This is a kind of detachment from the outside world, a desire to retire. Such people are considered to be introverts. They gain strength only when they are completely alone. They love to fantasize and often indulge in this activity.
But their closeness causes fear that security will be destroyed. Most often this occurs in those individuals whose parents were too intrusive in their attention and constantly violated personal boundaries. Why was the only salvation was to step back and “leave” into the inner world. Therefore, growing up, they are afraid to approach other people, because they think that they will eventually begin to behave the same way.
They suffer from loneliness, but subconsciously fall in love with those who are not particularly achievable for them. Or just indifferent. For example, for women, this is a passion for a family man who is faithful to his wife, or a passion for a celebrity that she does not even know.
What to do?
If you are afraid that with the advent of another person you simply will not be, that he will begin to violate your boundaries, remember that you have the right to change the dosage, the level of approximation. You can warn that you are quite careful and that it usually takes you more time than others to get used to.
You should not rush headlong into a relationship right away, following the saying «knock out a wedge with a wedge.» So you really run the risk of getting hurt and not ripening for new attempts for a long time, if only because you will heal the wounds.
Ask questions to the interlocutor to learn more about him. Instead of fantasizing and coming up with a more convenient image.
Position yourself so that you are comfortable. Otherwise, withstanding the tension of too short a distance between you, nothing good will come of it in the end.
Injury
Due to past negative experiences, there is a lot of anxiety that this will happen again. Having survived the pain, having collected yourself piece by piece after betrayal, betrayal or violence, it is very difficult to take and believe that the other person will not do this. The picture of the world was broken, as was the basic trust in it. Why alienation is a defense against attachment and intimacy.
Sometimes it happens that parents brought up children too cruelly, constantly hurting them. Both physical and emotional. Because of what those, growing up, decide not to love. Since they associate love with what relatives allowed themselves.
And if they do not make a decision, sincerely wanting to be with a partner, then they subconsciously make such choices that lead to negative consequences.
What to do?
Sample. Only this will help to understand that in the present everything can be different. That now only you decide how to allow yourself to be treated. How you like it and how you don’t.
Only by trying and getting to know different people, you will get a completely different, new experience. Which may well be so new and wonderful that you finally feel like a happy person, loving and loved.
Recommendations
- Communicate on the Internet, and over time, when you realize that you are ready, meet in real life. Most importantly, do not forget about your own boundaries, do not allow them to be violated. And choose those partners who will be safe for you, so as not to scare you in the intention to conquer fears.
- If insecurity haunts you and prevents you from taking the first step to get to know each other, work on your self-esteem.
- Take paints, pencils, a large sheet of paper and draw your fear of a serious relationship. Don’t think about what you want to portray. Let your hand move, let go of control, and express emotion. When you’re done, reflect on what happened. This action will help to get rid of inner feelings and relieve stress.
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! If you realize that you can’t cope with your phobias on your own, contact a specialist.
In the process of dialogue, you will receive a new experience of building relationships, only trusting ones, on which you can fully rely in the future, wanting to arrange your personal life and let another person into it, with whom you will be warm and happy.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina