Contents
For many people, divorce is a very painful experience. But is it always associated only with relationship problems? To what extent is it influenced by the person’s internal conflicts and family scenarios? And how can psychotherapy help to survive this stage of life, get to know yourself and your partner better, build a warmer and more understanding relationship with him? History on the example of a real case.
Sergey entered with a confident gait of a successful man, sat down in a chair and immediately got down to business. «I’m here for family matters. My wife seems to be in crisis and I’m confused. In general, I need to decide whether to get a divorce or not. And looked at me questioningly. After a pause, he continued, “Let me tell you my story first.”
ordinary story
Sergey was 35. Problems in marriage began with the birth of his daughter. Coincidentally, at that time he opened his own business, there was a lot of work and had to be delayed. He got home closer to the night. The wife complained that it was difficult for her to cope with the house and children alone, she constantly made comments to him, did not meet him when he returned. Sergei began to feel like a stranger. There was a chill in the relationship. And not so long ago, another woman appeared in his life …
This is a very common scenario. When a couple is faced with inevitable difficulties and mutual dissatisfaction, which are expressed in an accusatory manner, the partners begin to move away from each other. And in the vacated space, someone else often appears.
At some point, his wife suggested to Sergei that everyone live their own lives. If you can’t communicate, she said. It came as a shock to him. He did not ask what led her to such thoughts, but said that this option did not suit him.
Sergei began to suspect his wife of treason. He watched her, and it seemed to him that she constantly corresponded enthusiastically with someone. Jealousy filled his soul, but he did not show it and did not ask questions.
Why? At first, it was difficult for Sergei to articulate this, but gradually he realized his fear that the truth would be revealed and his wife would leave him. At the same time, this fear and anger for the alleged «treason» of his wife was suppressed by him. He seemed to continue to live a normal life, but this and other unexplained situations put pressure on him from the inside, negatively affected the relationship.
Speculation instead of truth
The less they talked about what was bothering them, the more their ideas began to replace reality. In fact, it was a fictional world in which the wife is cheating, but she does not need him. He was angry at the «cheating wife», moved away from her, and life was built on the basis of this unsubstantiated fantasy.
This led to new delays at work, there were much more of them, and alienation, and then rapprochement with a colleague. Thus, Sergei actually showed his aggression not directly, but in a passive form. Expressed it through actions.
The deterioration of relations also affected their intimate life: recently they had little sex. “My wife thinks that she has become uninteresting to me as a woman, but I just lost all desire, as I suspected her of treason.”
In addition, they had long slept in different rooms. “When my daughter was born, I moved to sleep in another room, I had to get up early for work. Since then, it has remained that way.» At first glance, this looks like a natural solution to the problem when a baby appears in the house, and a man needs to get enough sleep before work. However, often this begins the alienation of the couple, when difficulties are overcome not together, but separately.
Rationalization
At the second session, Sergey took out a notebook and said: “Don’t think, I was preparing for our meeting. I made up the pros and cons of a wife.” And he began to read them to me. Of the advantages, he singled out her beauty, sexuality and thriftiness. Her irritability, constant nit-picking and claims, coldness and a different worldview with him fell into negative traits.
Such an attempt to weigh all the qualities of a partner, strike a balance and, on this basis, make a decision to preserve or dissolve the marriage showed how much he does not trust his feelings. This rationalization is one of the forms of psychological defense, when a person, avoiding feeling, begins to think hard and explain everything. However, then the deep connection with oneself is lost.
family script
Regarding a possible divorce, Sergei outlined only one feeling — liberation. “Of the minuses of divorce, only separation from the child,” he suddenly said. “Well, nothing, my parents also divorced when I was 8 years old, and I dealt with it.” A little later it turned out that his marriage was also 8 years old.
Sergey was not yet very aware of all his mixed feelings about a potential breakup — guilt, anger, sadness — and seemed to be preparing to repeat the parental scenario. This always happens when a person is not in contact with his inner world and does not see his contribution to the current family situation. Then he unconsciously implements parental or his own, recurring programs.
get to know each other again
Work in therapy was not easy for Sergey. After many years of habit of suppressing his emotions and «living in his head», his ability to feel began to revive, and this sometimes hurt. It also raised his childhood experiences associated with the divorce of his parents, and conflicting feelings towards his wife. Gradually, he began to see and recognize his contribution to family discord.
His deepest fears were also revealed: to grow old, to die, to be rejected and insolvent. “I came to you in an attempt to understand what is happening with marriage. But it seems that the main thing is what happens to me. I thought I understood what I wanted and where I was going, but it was an illusion. I didn’t have time to figure it out. Work, friends, marriage, having a baby. Other work. Another woman. It’s hard to admit that I don’t really know myself. And I am glad that at least in my 35 years I can get to know myself.”
«Met» Sergei and his wife. He tried to listen to her more and hear. Understand her feelings and needs. Lower your high expectations. They started talking more. At times it was very intense and emotional. Sometimes it brought relief.
«Happy end»
And yet they divorced. “If I had started to understand myself earlier, then perhaps we could have saved our marriage. And now we seem to have run too far in our lives. It hurts me that our family broke up. However, as a human being, we have only become closer, so close, it seems that we have never been before … And this is incredibly valuable.