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Is it necessary to be honest with the children to the end and tell the truth: did you break up with their father because he cheated? Coach Chris Armstrong and psychoanalyst Tatyana Mizinova reflect on the consequences of such frankness.
“Think through the conversation and its consequences”
Chris Armstrong, coach
To the question “Where is dad?”, which the children asked in the evenings, Anna answered that he helps friends, and Maria’s husband endlessly “left on business trips.” In the end, both women divorced, and the children took this as a blow for which they were not ready.
Do I need to tell my child about what was the real reason for the divorce? There cannot be a single answer to this question for everyone. If you do decide to be honest with your children, here are a few things to keep in mind.
1. Think about how the conversation will end. There is a close bond between father and child that you want to keep? You must understand that confession risks destroying it. It may be difficult for you to resist the desire to share with someone the pain that your husband has caused. However, if you choose not to share the details of your conflict with your child, you are protecting his relationship with his father. Decide what is more important to you.
2. Give your husband the right to talk to the children. Having learned what caused the parental separation, the child receives a painful blow, and aggression against the “offender” may be the first reaction. Be prepared for the fact that this person will be you — because you broke the news. If the child is old enough to start asking questions on his own and you really want him to know the truth, suggest that he address them to his father. Let him find the courage to answer and take the hit on himself. You can support the child after this conversation.
Children almost always look for the reason for divorce in themselves, they believe that it was because of them that dad did not want to stay in the family
3. Assess the child’s ability to understand you. Children do not understand what infidelity is. Until the age of 12, they are hardly able to realize what happened between mom and dad, and even after reaching this age, many questions arise. The main thing is what is their fault. Children almost always look for the reason for divorce in themselves. New information may exacerbate the feeling that it was because of them that dad did not want to stay in the family.
Anna decided to tell the children that their father fell in love with another woman, and as a result, the children maintained a good relationship with him. Mom chose not to discuss the fact of a long deception. Maria wanted to keep everything a secret, but the 14-year-old daughter found her father kissing another. More than three years have passed since the divorce, but the girl still refuses to communicate with her father. It is convenient for him to think that the ex-wife specifically sets the girl against him. Well, some of us, even after becoming parents, refuse to grow up and take responsibility for our actions.
“Telling about cheating is like inviting me to your parents’ bedroom”
Tatyana Mizinova, psychoanalyst
Before you tell your children that their father cheated on you, they should have formed an idea about sex life in general and sexual intercourse in particular. Preschool children, for example, do not have it, so a child under 10 years old should not be devoted to the details of your conflict.
The older the child, the more adequately he will perceive the information (unless, of course, it is impossible to avoid the story — for example, when he guesses and insists on the truth). If before your separation from your husband, the child was a witness to constant scandals, the inability to live peacefully may well be the leitmotif of the explanation.
The boy may feel guilty and try to “replace” his father in the family, taking on a psychologically overwhelming burden.
However, telling a child about infidelity is like inviting them into the parent’s bedroom. No matter how hard you try to smooth out sharp corners, injury is inevitable.
Will this information be reflected in children as they grow up? Much depends on how the relationship between the parents will develop. In the negative scenario, the girl, within the framework of identification with her mother, will feel of little value. In relations with men, she will show distrust, avoid building a close relationship, believing «that they only need one from women.» Having decided that spiritual and family values are not so important for men, she can only focus on her own attractiveness and external factors.
A boy, within the framework of identification with his father, may feel guilty and try to “replace” his father in the family, taking on a psychologically overwhelming burden. Or he will perceive this experience as quite acceptable and, having devalued his mother, he will transfer it into his relations with women.