The fight against a serious illness requires stamina, strength, composure, confidence that everything will work out. A man fights, and a miracle becomes his reward. But in remission, he suddenly realizes that he has changed. And the world around remained the same. How to live now, if the dream has come true, the possibilities are limited, and fear does not let go for a minute? Oncopsychologist Irina Mansurova talks about this.
People-«phoenixes» — this is how I see patients of oncology clinics who have entered the stage of remission. The symbol of rebirth, the triumph of life over ashes and decay is the best way to describe their condition: having gone through pain, fear, painful uncertainty, they were “reborn”. Global changes affected not only their bodies, but also their souls: being under the psychological pressure of the disease for a long time, moving from denial to humility, they experienced a strong emotional shock — remission. This is a true miracle — both for the patients themselves and for their relatives.
But the paradox lies in the fact that the “phoenix” man has changed, but the world around him has not. In our reality, miracles are replaced by everyday life: life goes on as usual, everyone has their own affairs. Life is monotonous, and relatives and friends do not have enough time: their attention, which was directed to the patient, begins to take away everyday worries.
Instead of joy, confusion comes: a person is trying to understand who he is in this world. How to build a life, realizing its value? How to rebuild consciousness from extinction to creation and development?
The answers to these questions largely determine the future life in a state of remission. So, according to one of the Western studies, every tenth person who has overcome cancer notes a deterioration in the quality of life due to the psycho-emotional state. Along with pain and functional limitations, it interferes with the performance of everyday tasks.
Victory over a terrible disease is happiness. It is he, according to others, that the patient and his relatives should experience.
There are also studies that indicate a direct link between a person’s psycho-emotional state and repeated cases of cancer.
For a long time in the post-Soviet space, the concept of «rehabilitation in remission» meant only the physical restoration of certain functions and supportive drug therapy. The habit of being “strong in spirit” played a cruel joke on people who actually conquered death: the disease is gone, everything is fine, what emotional problems can we talk about?
But today in Russia, psychological rehabilitation after oncological diseases is an integral part of comprehensive recovery programs. In the EU countries, such rehabilitation complexes also include care for social health — a return to an active social life is displayed as a separate part of the program.
In our clinic, as in most specialized Russian medical organizations, oncopsychologists deal with the emotional state of patients in remission. But why did the issue of psychological rehabilitation move into the category of expert assistance and is it possible to help a person on his own, at home, with his family?
Fire burning from within
The Phoenix is often depicted in flames: having been reborn from the ashes, it «burns». And, marveling at the beauty of this fiery spectacle, we do not think about the feelings experienced by a bird engulfed in fire. Victory over a terrible disease is happiness. It is he, according to others, that the patient and his relatives should experience.
But behind the joy and exultation, somewhere deep in the mind, completely different feelings begin to appear. And the first one is fear. The fear that the disease will return not only darkens the joy of recovery, but also suppresses other emotions, sensations, interests and desires.
At a certain stage, this fear is even necessary: it does not allow you to deviate from the doctor’s recommendations, maintains attention to your body, helps you adhere to the desired routine and protects you from risky actions. But fear is only useful if it manifests itself in the form of rational caution.
If fear grows, provokes anxiety, panic, this is already a serious problem. This happens when they hide it, forbidding themselves to be afraid. The longer a person is left alone with his fears, the stronger they become, eventually turning into a destructive force.
Such a state can lead to the refusal of any activities, the independent tightening of restrictions, the creation of additional frameworks in communication with people and in interaction with the outside world. And as a result — a deterioration in well-being, both emotional and physical. Fear suppresses the will to live and gives rise to disease, leading to a real tragedy.
A person who is fighting cancer has one dream — to survive. For a man in remission, this dream came true
Another unpleasant feeling is dissatisfaction with yourself, your body and your capabilities. Having survived a long and painful struggle with the disease, a person is faced with a difficult task: to accept himself. Emaciated and weakened, often changed in appearance (scars, scars, consequences of operations). He is no longer terminally ill, but he is not fully healthy either. He no longer needs to be constantly looked after, but sometimes he lacks care and participation. And after the euphoria from the realization “I will live”, his heart trembles more and more often from painful injections “I can no longer …”.
Some actions and situations that did not matter before suddenly become important and desirable only because they have become inaccessible. What can we say about your favorite hobbies before the disease.
And, even if the prohibitions are temporary, the feeling of «worthlessness» can lead to apathy and depression. Indifference and alienation grow out of dissatisfaction.
A person who is fighting cancer has one dream — to survive. For a man in remission, this dream came true. But what’s next? Are there dreams that are equal in strength to the desire to live? How small the needs that were before the disease seem. And how bleak the world suddenly becomes, in which there is nothing to dream about.
These are the consequences of the strongest stress: as the disease weakened the body, so the despair and mental suffering, which were replaced by the strongest joy, exhausted the soul. Emotions begin to subside, few things can cause such strong feelings. The reborn phoenix seems to create a cage of alienation around itself instead of taking off towards a new life.
Support Wings
Legends about the phoenix say that two qualities help to find a mythical bird that can perform miracles and bring happiness: sensitivity and the ability to go to the goal, despite the difficulties. In the real world, these qualities help to achieve more: overcome hopelessness and depression, start living a bright, rich, interesting life.
And when I talk about sensitivity and striving for a goal, I mean both the patient himself and his relatives. Being sensitive to yourself means being aware of your condition, understanding and accepting your feelings, and not suppressing them. Being sensitive to another means recognizing the alarming bells of fear and alienation, paying attention to these feelings, helping them to spill out.
Both fear, and dissatisfaction with oneself, and alienation weaken when they stop accumulating inside, when they find a way out — in spiritual conversation, in music, in drawing, in dance. Negative emotions can be «dissolved» in an exciting walk, outdoor activities with loved ones, in creativity and hobbies.
The principle of “small steps” will help both the patient and his family. You don’t have to jump right into everything. It is enough to move towards the goal gradually, but persistently, trying something new day after day. The joy of life lies in everyday little things, and it is very important to learn to find it in every day you live.
Planning will help overcome fear and confusion. Priorities and goals written down on paper become visible, understandable, and feasible. And if you think through each stage of moving towards the goal, certainty and confidence will return.
Modern reality for a “phoenix” person is a world of amazing opportunities and joyful moments
And yet, often even these simple recommendations can cause difficulties. We are all different: our temperament, life principles, attitudes, personal experiences, and expectations are different. It is very difficult to understand yourself and find the cause of your own negative emotions. It is even more difficult to understand a loved and dear person.
Clumsy attempts to deal with fear and alienation can exacerbate the situation, provoke feelings of guilt and despair. Kindred involvement, sympathy and empathy in this case can bring suffering to all participants in the process.
And again, the decision is prompted by legends and fairy tales about the magical phoenix: in any business, you need a reliable assistant, a professional who can ignore emotions, look at the situation from the outside and find a way out. Let’s remember the Humpbacked Horse, beloved since childhood, or the wise gray wolf, who helped the fairy-tale heroes to find the magic bird.
Well, in the real world, as part of rehabilitation, professional psychological support is strongly recommended. An oncopsychologist conducts systemic therapy, taking into account not only the characteristics of the patient’s personality and the very specifics of the state of remission, but also his environment, provides assistance and support to relatives and friends. Finding a solution for a particular person, choosing what will help him, is the task of such a specialist. And the result is a harmonious, easy and natural return to everyday life.
Modern reality for a “phoenix” person is a world of amazing opportunities and joyful moments. The main thing is to have no doubt that it is possible to return to such a reality.