Real man: illusion and reality

Each woman puts something of her own into the “real man” stereotype. At the same time, we often forget the truth: men are not so different from us. They also want to be loved and understood, they also want harmonious relationships, they need communication and support. But much more often we think about what a man «should»: be smart, strong, physically developed, financially successful, faithful, caring, attentive, loving children, courageous … He must, must and must. And behind all this fictitious debt, we stop seeing a person. We only see a stereotype that he doesn’t fit into.

I very often hear from clients: “I want her to be happy”, “I do all this for her”, “I love her, and it’s hard for me to imagine that I can lose her.” And even more often I hear: “I am also a person, I also feel pain, and resentment, and sadness, and fear”, “I also want to be heard and loved.” Sometimes men are even more sensitive than women. They also experience self-doubt, suffer from low self-esteem, are afraid to make a mistake, to be rejected. Men have more fears than women.

How to learn to coexist harmoniously with a real man, and not with his stereotype? To do this, you just need to stop perceiving him through the prism of the word “should”, see his personality and want to know him for real.

Council number 1. Get to know his worldview. When we fall in love, we forget about everything. In our thoughts only he, the object of our sighs. The same happens with men. We see only good in each other, and it seems to us that there is no other person in this world who would suit us better. But we must remember that falling in love is not just “chemistry” that controls our desires. It is also communication, the process of recognition. If your relationship is moving smoothly into a more serious one, you should be curious about how your partner sees the world around. How does he see himself in the future, what are his goals, how does he feel about life? What does he mean by family, children, friends, love?

Information about his family and about the relationship of his parents can tell you a lot, because it is in childhood that the basic idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXblife and the family is laid. Feel free to talk about your picture of the world. Do not be afraid to talk about this topic — if he does not like your picture of the world, then this is simply not “your” person. And it is better to find out now, and not after many years of living together. Look for common ground and pay attention to what you disagree on — how important and fundamental are these points for you? Try to be honest with yourself, even if you don’t like the answer.

Council number 2. Learn to listen to your man. Do not just listen, but delve into the words, understand what feelings your partner is trying to convey to you. Accepting and fulfilling each other’s needs in a relationship is hard work that will result in a harmonious relationship. Usually, men talk little about their inner state: they want to match the stereotypes that have been instilled in us since childhood. And we, women, often hear only what we would like to hear, even if for this we have to distort the meaning of the words.

In my practice, such examples often occur. The woman expresses dissatisfaction: “He called me and said that he was tired at work and wants to call on a friend to chat and drink a bottle of beer. And he also has the audacity to call me and ask if I mind. Of course I’m against it! After all, with these words he told me: “I can’t relax with you, I’m tired of you, our relationship has reached an impasse and therefore I don’t want to go home after work. I’m better with friends.»

Instead of thinking up dramatic stories, we can simply try to hear what we are really being told. It is likely that he was really just tired. And perhaps he needs male support now and he does not want to strain you with his bad mood. And all this can be heard if you concentrate at this moment not on yourself and your emotions, but on your partner.

Council number 3. Let the man be free. This means that you need to stop trying to control it. In childhood, we were controlled by our parents, but in adulthood and in adult relationships, we rely on a relationship with an equal person. I hear practically the same phrases from clients: “I am suffocated by her control, I am like a dog on a leash”, “I am tired of the fact that she controls my every step, as if there is no other goal in her life”, “She seems to role of mother, and I am a teenage son, I do not want such a relationship.

None of us would like a relationship in which they do not believe us and try to subordinate us to their own rules. How to deal with the desire to control? You can talk about it. Tell him about your fears, because the desire to control is, first of all, the fear of losing control of your life. Psychotherapy will help to understand the causes of this fear.

Council number 4. Let the man live his life. When we live the life of our partner, forgetting about our affairs, the relationship becomes skewed. Harmony is out of the question here. Imagine a railroad: the rails run parallel to each other, a train rides along them. If the rails cross, it will be a disaster. It is the same in relationships: harmony is possible only when everyone has a personal space. It can be anything — hanging out with friends, playing football, getting into cars, fishing, or meditating in a treehouse. But balance is important here: personal interests should not “outweigh” your common life.

Council number 5. Find common hobbies. Try to accept and understand the man’s hobbies. He likes football? Instead of resenting his lack of attention during a match, join him and watch football together. Who knows, maybe you will become a cheerleader. The time and energy that you could spend on resentment is invested in your relationship.

Common interests will allow you to communicate more. Continuing with the football example, you can invite his friends with their girlfriends and wives to watch the match. At the same time, you will spend time with your man, and at the same time get to know his friends and, possibly, make new girlfriends. The main thing is that your desire to understand and accept the interests of a partner is sincere. Otherwise, it can turn into a game that will take you far from a happy and harmonious relationship.