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You may be hearing about this term for the first time. But such relationships are not so rare, just few people talk about them. The offenders try very hard not to leave evidence and play the role of victims masterfully. And the real victims are drowning in guilt.
Natalya was going to a business breakfast – she was to meet a new partner and present an important project on which the future of their small company depended. She wanted to look perfect: she chose an outfit for a long time, carefully painted, styled her hair. The husband squinted, grinned unkindly, but was silent. Natalya sighed: “Okay, we’ll talk later.”
She expected to take a walk so that she could think things over again on the way. But when she stood at the door in full dress – all that remained was to take her handbag, her husband crept up from behind and with a grin splashed sunflower oil on her. Furious, Natalya grabbed a hairbrush and broke it on his head.
Cancel the meeting was unthinkable. I had to wash my hair in a hurry, redo my makeup, change clothes. And call a neighbor for help, otherwise the husband would probably prevent her from leaving again – in front of witnesses, he would be a good boy. Of course, there was no longer any talk of walking – there would be enough time to get by taxi.
Made it to the minute. But the negotiations were chaotic: she could not concentrate at all, jumped from fifth to tenth, was nervous, straightened her hair endlessly. Everything, everything was hopelessly ruined! The only thought was beating in my head: “I allowed myself to break loose and again turned out to be guilty.”
Reactive violence – what is it?
This situation is a classic example of reactive violence. It happens when the real victim reacts to provocative behavior. At such moments, it is not surprising to break into a cry, shower insults on the offender, even rush at him with fists. As a result, the latter has an excuse to accuse the partner of aggression and act as the victim himself.
Shifting blame for abuse – emotional, verbal or physical – is one of the “favorite” tricks of abusers.
In most cases, they try to convince the victim that she is the rapist. Like, supposedly nothing like that happened, and you immediately went berserk. In reality, of course, everything is different, but it is beneficial for the abuser to provoke reactive violence – this proves that the victim is a mentally unbalanced, hysterical, in a word, sick person.
It is not a fact that retribution will “arrive” immediately. The abuser can put it off for an indefinite period, but he will certainly remember: “But then, in such and such a year, you screamed in the same way, threw plates and generally behaved like a crazy person. You are crazy! You need to be treated.” Moreover, sometimes abusers use the partner’s reaction as an excuse to call the police “for protection” or file a lawsuit.
What is reactive violence?
Such individuals deliberately lure the victim into a trap, doing everything to evoke a negative reaction in her. It gives a feeling of control.
For example, they make a scandal out of the blue. They let go of barbs, demonstratively offended, walk with a gloomy expression on their faces. They do not fulfill promises, “forget” about requests, deceive. They bring children to tears and say that it was you who brought up the slobbers. Before solemn events, they behave so disgustingly that in the end you look exhausted and unhappy, and they look as if nothing had happened.
What is characteristic of such an abuser:
Complain to relatives and friends about your behavior and ask them to somehow influence you.
If you respond to provocations, take “evidence” on your phone to show others.
Edit your messages in correspondence so that his part of the story looks decent and reliable.
Place hidden cameras around the house and sometimes even edit recordings that can give it away.
Methodically repeat that you urgently need medical attention.
Why is reactive violence dangerous?
The abuser declares himself a victim in order to convince us that it was we who harmed him, that we should take the blame. The longer this shifting from a sick head to a healthy one lasts, the more we become convinced that we are really to blame for the reactive outbursts of anger and aggression for which we are accused. We believe more and more that we are too quick-tempered and mentally unstable.
This manipulation is akin to gaslighting.
Look what is happening: we are being harassed, we are reacting, and violence is being attributed to us. Only a third element is added to the mixture of guilt and shame: we begin to think badly about ourselves. After all, it turns out that we act against our nature, although we know that we are good, kind, intelligent people, worthy of love. Gradually, the real “I” absorb the guilt and shame that the abuser has imposed and continues to impose.
One can argue: this is more like mutual violence, both partners are equally to blame. Many survivors of this hell often ask themselves: what if they really reacted too painfully and inadequately? But the truth is that mutual violence is extremely rare and most psychologists doubt that it even exists. The power and control dynamics associated with domestic violence make equality nearly impossible.
The key word here is “react”.
This is the difference between reciprocal and reactive violence. Victims react precisely to the cruelty of the offender. In any domestic violence, regardless of the form, there is always someone who initiates and provokes problems in the relationship. In other words, he craves power and control. This is the essence of violence – the imbalance of power.
Of course, the abuser would like us to think differently and say, “Well, we both pissed each other off. It’s mutual violence.” The fact is that such people will never in their lives take responsibility for their antics and will continue to shift the blame on us.
What can be done
Women are more often in such situations, but men are not immune from them either. If you notice that you are reacting in this way, mentally repeat: “Wait, is it me? But I don’t act like that, do I? I know what I used to think about myself, and I know for sure that my reaction is not me. It doesn’t look like me at all.”
After all, this is what the abuser wants: to make you doubt yourself, your character, and your principles. Unfortunately, when the time comes for such an internal monologue, most people are silent and do not admit that something is wrong: some because they are afraid to leave, others simply do not find the strength and means for this.
So how to be? Abusers are betting precisely on the fact that their tactics will cause a storm of emotions. But when we think about how to answer it, we regain our strength. We answer and … do not react. After all, reacting is an almost automatic action, “fight or flight.” Answering is an intellectual process that requires you to really weigh your thoughts and actions.
PS How did Natalia’s story end? She realized, though not immediately, that it was impossible to live like this. And after a few more “collisions” safely divorced.