Question: How should parents act in relation to children’s irresponsibility, if there is no open defiance and passive aggression?
Children love a wide variety of games, especially if adults participate in them. Therefore, it is desirable to turn the learning situation into an activity that has the character of entertainment. The game increases the child’s susceptibility to the activities that you are trying to involve him in. Let me tell you how we taught our children to put napkins on their knees before eating. We reminded them of this almost every time for two or even three years, but our words did not produce any results. Then we decided to turn it all into a family game.
Now, if one of the Dobsons took even a bite of food before he put a napkin on his knees, he was immediately forced to go to the bedroom and, standing there, count to twenty-five in a loud voice. The game turned out to be an extremely effective tool, although there are some inconveniences associated with it. You can’t imagine how stupid Shirley and I feel when we have to stand alone in another room counting to twenty-five. Meanwhile, our children are giggling at us. Especially Ryan, who never forgets his napkin and loves to take us by surprise if we absent-mindedly forget about it. He usually in such cases sits absolutely calm and motionless, looking straight ahead, literally until the moment when the piece is in the mouth of the offender. Then he instantly turns to him and shouts: «Gotcha!»
It should be noted that in order to achieve many goals related to instilling in children a sense of responsibility in the performance of various duties, as well as to combat deliberate disobedience, the game option can be very useful.
Question: My ten year old son may be the most irresponsible person I have ever seen. He hates any work, loses or breaks valuable things that fall into his hands. I have read many books on how to teach children to be responsible and how to shape their personality. I am trying to follow these tips. The problem is that I lose my patience too often. I start screaming and accusing him of stupidity and laziness. Then I am horrified that I cannot control my behavior. Am I hurting his self-esteem with my temper tantrums?
Children are usually quick-witted, so most of them easily survive outbursts of parental anger, and there are no devastating consequences in their souls for a long time. Your dissatisfaction with the child’s behavior is part of the learning process, but only to the extent that its manifestations contribute to the formation of the child’s personality. However, if you show excessive reactivity, especially when the claims against the child are unfair, then it would be nice for you to remember the words of wisdom:
“We are not what we think of ourselves… We are not even what others think of us… We are what we think others think of us.”
There is an important truth in this statement. Many people evaluate themselves by the feelings that form as a result of how others look at them. Based on the attitude of other people towards him, a person, often unconsciously, begins to act in the role that someone intended for him. Most likely, this explains, for example, such a feature of behavior when a person can take on different images in different social groups. Thus, a doctor can carry himself without a shadow of a smile, with the air of a serious professional in front of his patients, trying to be in their presence a person full of wisdom and restraint. He believes that patients want to perceive him this way, so he does not want to deceive their expectations. However, in the evening, this doctor may join the company of his former college friends, who remember him as a young nutcase. In terms of personality and behavior, he can turn 180 degrees in just the few hours that have passed from noon to evening, and become completely unrecognizable to his patients. If one of them accidentally saw him in a new environment, they probably would not recognize him.
Probably most people become in life what they think others see them. If we accept this judgment as true, then we should wait, that your child will voluntarily or involuntarily try to adapt to the image that, as it seems to him, you have imposed on him. If you call him stupid and lazy, then by his behavior he will prove the validity of such an assessment. Fortunately, the opposite also happens. Therefore, as far as possible, try to control your impulsive reactions in the hope of creating in the eyes of the child an image of himself that he would be worth striving for. Otherwise, he will slide into the image for which you scold him.
«I know! I know!» — you can say in response. Of course, this looks good on paper, but in real life it is difficult to implement. I’ve been in a lot of trouble myself following this advice. But you can at least try to give the best that our imperfect children need and that we, far from perfect parents, are able to offer them.
Question: Should I praise my child for everything he does well? Will he turn into a braggart and braggart if you praise him all day for every assignment he has completed?
There is no need to discount praise. Young people quickly grasp the essence of such a word game, and your words lose their meaning for them. It is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of flattery and praise. Flattery is unearned, contrived reward. When our grandmother comes to visit, she usually says, “Oh, look at my beautiful little girl! She is getting prettier every day. I bet when she grows up and turns into a girl, all the boys will be crazy about her! Sometimes in this spirit: “God, what an amazing guy turned out of you!” You can talk about flattery when the compliments that a child is awarded are not related to his merits and achievements.
On the other hand, praise is used as an encouragement and reinforcement of positive behavior. It should be specific, have a specific address, and not tell the child that he is generally good. «You’re a good boy» — I do not advise you to say that. «I love how well you cleaned your room today» — so much better. Parents should not miss the opportunity to praise the child for a good deed, while avoiding empty praise addressed to him.
Question: How to teach a child the need for responsible behavior throughout his life? After all, he is in dire need of a firm understanding of this.
The main task of education in the period preceding the transition to adolescence and youth is to for a long time to inspire the child with the idea that all his actions, both positive and negative, lead to inevitable consequences. Speaking about the negative phenomena in our lives, I believe that one of the most serious troubles of a society where everything is allowed is a violation of the connection between two factors: an act and its consequences. All too often it happens that a three-year-old child shouts insults at his mother, and the mother stands with her eyes downcast in confusion. A first grade student may insult the teacher, but the school makes allowances for his young age and does not take any action. A ten-year-old boy can be caught in a store trying to steal a box of sweets, but he is immediately released on the promise of his parents that he will not do it again. At fifteen, he steals the keys to the family car, but his father only pays the fine when he is pulled over by the police. At seventeen, a young man is running like crazy in his Chevrolet, and his parents pay for repairs every time he crashes into a telegraph pole.
As you understand, it seems that throughout childhood, loving parents with all their determination tried to “drive a wedge” between the act and its consequences, destroying the connection between them and preventing the child from learning valuable truths that would contribute to the formation of a sense of responsibility.
So, a situation is quite possible when a young man or girl, entering the independent life of adults, in reality does not even imagine the boomerang effect: everything that we do in childhood, adolescence and adolescence also affects our future. A young man may not understand that his irresponsible behavior sooner or later turns into humiliation and pain for him. Such a person, having entered his first job, already in the first week manages to be late three times. Then, when he is fired with a torrent of harsh accusations against him, he experiences a feeling of bitterness and irritation. For the first time in his life, it happened that mom and dad could not rush to his aid to save him from unpleasant consequences. Unfortunately, many American parents go to great lengths to help out their adult children who are in their twenties and live away from their parents’ home. What does this result in?
Due to unjustified, excessive care of parents, their children become emotional cripples, who develop a stable dependence on their parents. And these people all their lives look like eternal undergrowths.
How does a person gain insight into the relationship between their behavior and its consequences? This is achieved thanks to parents who give the child the opportunity to experience pain and trouble within reasonable limits if he begins to behave irresponsibly. If Jack misses his school bus because he’s a slob, suggest that he walk a mile or two to get to school by the middle of class, assuming the trip is reasonably safe, of course. If Jenny loses her breakfast money because of her carelessness, let her stay hungry that morning.
However, following this principle, some parents go too far, because they act inflexibly and harshly towards such an immature being as a child. The best approach to solving the problem remains one in which parents expect boys and girls to perform duties appropriate to their age, but from time to time they allow them to taste the bitter fruit that irresponsibility brings.
Question: The worst time I go through every morning is having to get my XNUMX year old daughter out of bed and get her ready to get on her school bus. She gets up when I wake her up, but then, as soon as I leave the room, she starts digging and is distracted by some kind of game. I have to urge her on and warn her every five minutes or she’ll be late. I get more and more irritated, and usually it ends with me screaming. I understand that this is not the best way to influence a naughty child, but sometimes my daughter brings me to such a state that I have a desire to tear her out. Please advise how can I make her be more collected?
You act according to your daughter’s wishes, taking responsibility for ensuring that she gets to school every morning. It can be argued that a ten-year-old child should be able to handle this task on his own, but your anger is unlikely to contribute to this. We had a similar situation with our daughter when she was also ten years old. Maybe the solution we found will be useful for you as well.
Danae’s morning duties were reduced primarily to putting things in order in her room. She did not leave for school until she had put her bed in order, put every single thing in its place. We didn’t teach her anything like that. She herself has always shown exceptional care for her belongings down to the smallest detail. By the way, Ryan, her brother, never had such a desire. Danae could easily have time to finish all her business in the morning if she showed interest in this. But she was never particularly in a hurry. So my wife also began to develop a habit similar to yours: warning, threatening, prodding, stuffing food into her mouth, pulling on clothes. In the end, the wife reached the point of extreme irritation, as she saw that time was approaching a critical point.
Shirley and I discussed the problem and decided to find some other method by which we could bring the morning’s routine back to normal. I soon developed a system we called «checkpoints». Danae was asked to get up every morning and be on her feet by 6:30. It was her own responsibility to set the alarm for the right time and, after the ring, quickly get out of bed. Getting up on time, she immediately went to the kitchen, where the diagram was hung out. (If she was even a minute behind, she was considered late.) On the diagram, she marked the words «yes» or «no» depending on how she passed the first checkpoint. What could be easier! Either she got up at 6:30 or not. All clear. She had to pass the second checkpoint in 40 minutes — by 7 hours and 10 minutes. By this time, she was required to clean the room so that she herself was satisfied with this, get dressed, brush her teeth, comb her hair, etc., that is, do everything to be ready for piano lessons. All preparations were allotted 40 minutes, but if she were in a hurry, she could be managed in 10-15 minutes.
What was the point of establishing checkpoints? Of course, not that the sluggishness of the girl could again cause the anger and indignation of the mother. The consequences were simple and clear. If Danae did not make it to one checkpoint, then in the evening of that day she had to go to bed thirty minutes earlier than usual. If she did not keep up with both points, then she had to go to the bedroom an hour ahead of time. She was allowed to read during that hour, but she was not allowed to watch TV or talk on the phone. Thanks to this procedure, all the stress of the morning preparations was removed from Shirley and shifted to the shoulders of our daughter. In the future, there were cases when my wife got up a little later and did not have time to prepare breakfast on time, but she always found that Danae was dressed and was already sitting at the piano.
This kind of responsibilities training system can serve as a model for parents who have similar problems with their children. This system is non-coercive. In a real situation, it seemed that Danae was interested in having a goal that she should achieve. The question of its ability to cope with the necessary duties in certain time intervals, we decided separately. The condition was quite clearly expressed: the entire responsibility lies with the child. At the same time, adults did not have to get angry and stomp their feet.
The principles on which the proposed system is built can be adapted to the resolution of other difficult conflicts with children. The basis for success is your ability, your willingness to think creatively about a problem, and your willingness to use your imagination to find concrete approaches.
Question: My two adopted daughters are sisters. When we took them into our family last month, one of them was six and the other eight. They quickly adapted to life in our home and readily respond to our love. However, many shortcomings were found in their upbringing. They are untidy, sloppy, they were not taught how to use a fork, so they grab food with their hands. They don’t turn off the water tap, they don’t hang wet towels to dry, they always forget to brush their teeth unless I stand by and force them to do so. How to teach girls to independently perform the necessary duties?
One of the most effective methods of accustoming children to the performance of daily duties is the use of special rewards for correct behavior. The essence of the method is to form in the child an interest in worthy behavior. This method is expressed in the «law of reinforcement», described by one of the specialists in the psychology of education, Professor E. L. Thorndike. The law states that «behavior that produces the desired consequences will be repeated.» In other words, if a person likes what happens as a result of his behavior, then he will be inclined to repeat the corresponding actions.
My point is that the proper use of rewards (reinforcers) can make your kids want to brush their teeth, eat with a fork, and hang wet towels to dry. Unfortunately, it is not at all easy to distribute gifts and prizes without a pre-designed system. There are specific principles that must be followed if you want the full potential of the «Law of Reinforcement» to be realized.
Among the most important specific rules, the need for immediate reward (reinforcement) should be highlighted. Parents often make the mistake of rewarding children for something after a long time. Such a system is rarely successful. There is no benefit, for example, in promising to buy nine-year-old Joe a car when he turns sixteen if he does well in school for the next seven years. Pupils in the second or third grade of elementary school are often promised, in exchange for good behavior, to be sent to visit their grandmother during the summer. Such a distant prospect usually does not affect the child’s desire for obedience. It also makes no sense to promise to give your daughter a new doll for Christmas in July if she keeps her room in order.
Due to the level of their mental development, most children are not able to keep in memory such distant goals in time. Curiously, animals should receive a reward approximately two seconds after their action, for which it is due. A mouse learns to get out of a maze much faster if a piece of cheese is waiting for it at the end than if it is given cheese five seconds after exit. Children are able to endure for longer periods of time, but the effectiveness of the reward still weakens.
However, back to the question asked. It is very important for you to understand that adopted daughters were trained to behave in a way that they were not responsible for anything when they had no responsibilities. Children learn everything: laugh, play, run, jump. At the same time, they learn to whine, bully, fight, pout, make a scene, and act like real tomboys. Reinforcing positive behavior is a versatile learning tool. The child will behave in the same way again if such behavior, as he thinks, leads to success. One small child may become obedient and do what is asked of him because he likes the effect that his behavior has on his parents, and another child under the same conditions will begin to sulk and express displeasure.
When parents bring to their child’s attention those traits they don’t like about him, they should at the same time develop attractive personality traits in him, giving him the opportunity to behave well, for which he can be rewarded. At the same time, it is necessary to very carefully instill in the child that bad behavior only harms him.
Question: I feel uncomfortable when I use rewards to influence my children’s behavior. It looks like a bribe to me. And how do you feel about this problem?
Many parents experience similar feelings. I can only say, «Don’t use this system if you’re against it.» However, it remains to be regretted that such a most effective teaching tool is rejected due to the fact that the concept is misunderstood. Our entire society is based on the operation of the reinforcement system. And we suddenly do not want to apply it where there is the greatest need for it — in the upbringing of children. As adults, we go to work every day to collect the week’s earnings on Friday. Therefore, we are rewarded for waking up on time every morning. Brave soldiers are given medals. Successful businessmen are given badges of honour, and retired employees are presented with watches. Thanks to the reward system, it is emphasized that the corresponding efforts in the work do not disappear without a trace.
The worst feeling of my little experience in the army was the lack of reinforcement of my successes. No matter how diligently I performed my duties, it was impossible to get a higher rank until a certain period of time had passed. My military pay was determined by Congress, not by my competence and performance. Such a system destroys incentives and deprives a person of interest. Nevertheless, some parents think that such a system is the only possible approach to children. They assume that little Marvin will only do his job because it is noble to do so. They want him to do his best, study well and sweat diligently at work for sheer pleasure and always follow the established order and rules. But he’s not going to do it at all!
Try to look at the system of «bribes», which I propose to use, from the other side. How are you going to get your child to behave more responsibly? The most commonly used substitutes for rewards are begging, screaming, threatening, pleading, regretting, and punishing. A mother who opposes the use of rewards may have to go to bed at night with a headache and the insistence that she will never allow herself to have a child again. Most mothers do not like to emphasize the pragmatic side of their relationship with the child in the proposed way, but later they will still have to give him money, since their child has not yet earned a penny. But it can learn to save and spend money wisely. However, the most important thing is that he does not develop a sense of self-discipline and individual responsibility. These qualities of a child’s personality can be brought up with the help of very careful encouragement of his correct behavior.
Question: Do you think that rewarding children for good deeds is some form of bribe? If so, is it okay to give children gifts that I think you find inappropriate?
Rewards turn into bribes when they serve as «payment» for disobedience or irresponsible behavior. It is not recommended to use rewards when a child resists parental authority. For example, a mother may ask: “Come here, Lucy!”, And the girl screams in response: “No!” It would be a big mistake on the part of the mother if she starts offering sweets to the child, if only Lucy agreed to obey her demand. In fact, the girl may be rewarded for her own disobedience. I do not advise using rewards instead of parental authority. Reward and punishment take their definite place in the system of control of the child’s behavior. If they are interchanged, then this will bring very undesirable results.
Question: I am concerned about the situation when parents abuse financial incentives for the good behavior of their children. Should rewards only come in the form of money or toys?
Of course not! When my daughter was three years old, I started teaching her some reading skills, including explaining the alphabet. When planning the classes that we decided to have in the evening, after an early dinner, I assumed that chocolates would be the main source of interest. At that time, I was not yet worried about the consequences of excess sugar consumption. One day, late in the evening, when we were sitting on the floor, busy mastering the next letters of the alphabet, a terrible rattle was suddenly heard outside the window. The whole family immediately rushed out of the house to look at what had happened. We saw a teenager getting out of a wrecked car. Our street was quiet, there were only family houses. The guy himself was not too hurt, but the car turned into a pile of ruins. We doused the smoking car with water and, as expected, called the police.
When the excitement caused by this incident subsided somewhat, we realized that our daughter had not followed us into the street. When I returned to the room, I found the girl near a large box of chocolates, which I left open when I left. Climbing into the box with one hand up to her elbow, with the other she stuffed its contents into her mouth, which had at least halved. Everything that did not fit in the mouth was smeared on the neck, nose and forehead. When she saw me, she managed to push another piece of chocolate into her cheek. In this example, I realized that when using this kind of rewards to reinforce success, you need restrictions.
Anything that seems desirable to a person can serve as a reinforcement for his right behavior. The most obvious reward for animals is one that satisfies their physical needs. However, people have gone further, as they are interested in resolving their psychological problems, which have recently reached enormous proportions. People of all ages strive for the constant satisfaction of their emotional needs, including the desire to love and be loved, as well as the desire for social recognition and self-respect. In addition, each person hopes to find happiness in life, to receive moral incentives, to have various entertainments and pleasures.
Encouragement in verbal form should permeate the entire system of relations between parents and children. Too often, parental orders consist of a million «no, no,» with which the child’s head is clogged. I advise you to devote more time to reward, expressed by a sincere word of praise. Bearing in mind that the child has a need for self-respect and recognition of his own importance, wise parents can satisfy these important needs through verbal encouragement, which is also necessary for the formation of valuable life concepts and correct behavior in the child. I think a few examples may be useful in this regard.
The mother, turning to her daughter, says: “You have very well chosen the colors in this picture. Nice to see real work of art. Perhaps I’ll hang it on the wall in the hall.»
A mother says to her husband in the presence of her son: “Jack, did you notice that Don left the bike in the garage tonight? He usually left it in the yard until one of us reminded him to put it in its place. Don’t you think the boy is becoming more and more responsible?”
The father says to the son: “I noticed, son, that you were quiet while I filled out the income tax return. This is very good of you. Now that I’m done with this case, I’ll have more time. Why don’t we go to the zoo tomorrow?»
The teacher, addressing a senior student, says, “You made a good point, Juan. I didn’t think about that side of the question. I like your original way of looking at things.»
A mother says to her little son, “Kevin, you haven’t tried to suck your thumb all morning. You can be proud. Let’s see if you have the patience for the day.»
However, it is unwise to praise the child for such actions, from which you are not delighted. If for any action he will rely on hugs or an approving pat on the back, then gradually the signs of approval from the parents will lose their meaning and meaning. It’s like they’re devalued. Even in very young children, if you try, you can find specific forms of behavior, the encouragement of which can guarantee good results, if, of course, this encouragement is deserved and will be expressed in the necessary doses.
Question: I think I did the right thing by encouraging my children last Saturday when my husband and I went to visit. Seeing that we were leaving, our two sons, four and five years old, began to cry. They screamed and rioted until I remembered how effective the reward could be. I gave each of them a lollipop. The crying stopped and we peacefully left the house. Can we assume that in this situation I correctly used the law of reinforcement?
Unfortunately, you can’t. Instead of encouraging the development of conscience and responsibility in your children, you unconsciously rewarded them for the reaction of the opposite nature. You made the children feel the benefits of screaming, roaring, rioting if they need to get something. Therefore, the next time you decide to leave home in the evening, they will probably have a desire to repeat their experience. And lollipops reinforced the effectiveness of this behavior.
Parents need to avoid situations where the wrong behavior is rewarded. It must be borne in mind that it is surprisingly easy and simple to stimulate the development of unacceptable behavior in a child if the encouragement contributes to the fulfillment of his desires. Suppose, for example, that Mr. and Mrs. Wickney have guests for dinner tonight, so they decide to put three-year-old Ricky to bed at seven o’clock. They know that the boy, as usual in such cases, will cry. What should they do? Of course, Ricky starts crying. At first, he whimpers slowly, which does not give him the desired result, so he gradually develops into a cry of high intensity. In the end, Mrs. Wickney comes from the cry of her son in complete despair and allows him to get out of bed. What has the child learned as a result? In order to be allowed to do what he wants, it turns out that he needs to cry loudly. And Mr. and Mrs. Wickney would have to better prepare for the «War of Tears» the following evening, for this method had brought Ricky success.
Let me give you one more example. Young Betty is a big bettor. When she is told «no», she does not consider it the final answer. She is very picky. Betty’s mother, whether she sees fit to let Betty go to a party or play ball, will always say no at first. When Betty’s mother automatically answers in the negative, then she doesn’t even have a question, why not answer positively to the girl’s request. But she can at any time change her answer, turn it from negative to positive. How does such a system affect Betty? The child may come to the conclusion that in reality the concept of «no» means «maybe.» The more persistently the girl argues and complains, the more likely she will be able to achieve the desired “yes”.
The mistake that Betty’s mother makes is one that many parents make. They give children the opportunity to bicker, sulk, grim, slam doors, and haggle in order to get their way. Before taking a stand on any issue, parents should think things through. But then already firmly hold on to the occupied position. If a teenager learns that the word «no» really means «no» and not some conventional concept, then most likely he will not want to spend the effort to act insistently.
Maybe you need an example. Seven-year-old Abe wanted to attract the attention of family members in every possible way, but he could not find a convenient way. One evening, when everyone was sitting at the table and having dinner, his mother said to him: «Eat beans, Abe.» He protested: “No! I’m not going to eat those disgusting beans!» The eyes of all family members instantly turned to him. What he wanted most had happened. Abe’s mom could reinforce the success of his stubborn behavior and ensure that he did it again the next day if she said, «If you do eat the beans, you’ll get something tasty.»
Parents need to be careful when they encourage certain forms of behavior of the child, to exercise self-discipline and patience, which can guarantee positive consequences of encouragement.
Question: My four-year-old daughter Karin is a whimper. She rarely talks about anything in a normal tone. How to get her to get rid of this nasty habit?
Well known fact: the unreinforced behavioral style of the child gradually disappears. The study of this process, which psychologists call «repression,» can be very useful for parents and teachers who are working to change the character and behavior of children.
To get rid of undesirable qualities of the child’s character, it is necessary to find the right system of reinforcement, and then consistently adhere to it. Let’s try to apply this principle to the whimpering problem you wrote about. Why is your daughter whimpering instead of speaking in a normal tone? Because you, without realizing it, are reinforcing her habit of whimpering! While Karin speaks in a normal voice, you are probably too busy to hear her. I’m sure the girl talks all day long, so you don’t pick up on much of her chatter. But when Karin begins to speak in a harsh, annoyed, offended tone, then you immediately turn around, assuming that not everything is in order. Karin realizes that whimpering gets results, while her normal speaking does nothing. This is where she becomes a bitch.
To make the habit of whimpering disappear, I advise you to change the direction of reinforcing influences. You should probably start with these words: “Because of your whimpering, Karin, I cannot hear what you are saying. I guess my ears are so funny that they can’t hear anything when you whimper.» After such a message, you must endure a couple of days, during which you must show with your whole appearance that you do not hear when the girl speaks in a whining tone. At the same time, you should try to immediately pay attention to your daughter when she asks about something in a normal voice. If you use such a system correctly, you can count on the desired result. Many aspects of education are based on this principle. The consequences of its correct application are quite definite and stable. Of course, grandparents can continue to reinforce the behavior you would like to get rid of, but this also needs to be handled carefully.
Question: Does a service that helps people quit smoking or stop overeating use the same habit-rejection system as the one you describe?
Yes! You noted correctly. In the fight against smoking, the main task is to eliminate the pleasant feeling from the process itself, which acts as a reinforcing factor and usually occurs when inhaling cigarette smoke. A smoker is placed in front of the smoker’s face, from which concentrated tobacco smoke with a very heavy smell comes to him. When a person takes a puff, a disgusting smell from that e.i. hits him in the face. As a result, a link is established in the smoker’s perception between puffing on a cigarette and inhaling a portion of an unpleasant odor. According to statistics, in most cases, smokers develop a persistent dislike for smoking.
To solve various problems with the help of the principle of displacement, the limits of imagination and the ability to be creative on the part of parents and teachers are of great importance. The best way to change a child’s unwanted behavior is to eliminate the factors that reinforce it. To do this, it is necessary to educate the child with appropriate qualities, including with the help of rewards.