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Raising a teenager: conflicts between parents and children
Growing up children and their parents look at the world so differently that sometimes the elders do not understand how it happened that the child suddenly begins to look at them with mockery.
“What do they understand?” – a dismissive wave of the hand.
It is very insulting: to raise a baby with trepidation, and at one fine moment to find out that he doesn’t put you at anything, and with his friends speaks of you only as “ancestors” or “old people”. It’s easy to lose credibility in the eyes of a teenager. And it’s just as easy to avoid it. Let’s break down five main mistakes that parents make and thereby spoil relationships with children.
Rejection and criticism of appearance and behavior
A teenager has his own vision of the world, concepts of beauty and his own self-presentation. He needs to express himself – that’s a fact. That is why young people dress unusually – either in total black, or, on the contrary, choose bright flashy colors. They also dye their hair in a variety of colors, even neon colors (both girls and guys), do all kinds of piercings, talk and laugh loudly. Of course, this defiant behavior is frustrating and confusing for parents.
“I don’t understand this. He will put on some kind of chlamydah, legs in sneakers – and forward. And she’s a girl! ” – mothers of young ladies lament.
“I did some ridiculous haircut, I pierced my ear. Maybe he is … that? .. “- the dads are timidly perplexed.
How should parents behave? Take your time to express your opinion to the child or convince him that he looks and is acting ridiculous. Apart from conflict, this will lead to nothing. Psychologists recommend not to put pressure on children, especially not to force them to choose clothes that suit your taste. Through outfits and demonstrative behavior, adolescents protest against generally accepted norms and show their individuality. This is how his personality, inner “I” is formed. This is his search for himself and his style. If not all people on the planet, then very many, have gone through experiments with their appearance and wardrobe. And you probably too, huh? Show patience, treat the choice of the child with respect, then the desire to stand out among peers will soon disappear.
Well, yes, you are older. Well, yes, you know better. But the teenager does not care, he is living his own experience. The most common mistake is to devalue a child’s mental anguish. For example, first love. The phrase “Yes, you will have so many such loves! ..” is capable of hammering a dozen nails into the coffin of your trusting relationship.
If you are a good fellow and have managed to build a trusting and respectful relationship with your child, he will, of course, listen to your opinion. But he will do it all the same in his own way. Remember yourself at this age! There is an explanation for this: to put it simply, the overthrow of authorities within the family is necessary for a child for greater self-confidence, he needs strength in order to soon leave the parent’s nest, escape from care, and prove that he is ready for an independent life. This process is often painful for both sides, but absolutely necessary.
How should parents behave? Use the trick: be in agreement with the child, do not argue, do not prove your coolness, do not appeal to his conscience, but simply give in to him in small things, so that later insist on a more important issue. You may not be familiar with modern online games, but you probably have a ton of other useful skills. Respect his feelings. And always – always! – do your own development. The child should see that you are really cooler in something and are able to teach. Only one “I’m older!” it’s not enough.
Children need to feel like adults. To do this, they often resort to such a nasty method of establishing their own authority as humiliation of another. Therefore, they demonstrate a disdainful attitude and disrespect for their elders. This can be explained by the fact that during the period of formation a teenager does not know how to prove himself, and finds the easiest way – rudeness, impudent phrases that he could not afford before. It seems to him that this is how he demonstrates his independence and adulthood. And most importantly, he thereby demonstrates his independence.
How should parents behave? Reading the notation is pointless here. The teenager himself understands everything. But the teachings from above will only cause rejection. Let your child feel important and important so that he does not look for other ways to get this feeling. Consult with him more often in various family matters – it is possible that he will offer some fresh solution, and there is no need to be rude in such a situation. Be consistent in your words, but be kind. Don’t let yourself get caught up in your emotions.
In his room, the teenager feels himself in charge. This is his world, into which adults are strictly prohibited without his permission. And here it is not the concrete actions of the teenager behind a closed door that are important, but the ability to do something without parental supervision. This applies not only to living conditions, but also to the virtual world.
How should parents behave? If mom and dad leave comments on every photo or post or add their friends to the friend list, then the reaction here will also most likely be negative. Psychologists believe that for a teenager, having his own space is one of the main components in the period of growing up. Reduce the expectation of “knowing everything about the child” and accept the fact that he needs to keep secrets from you, then he himself may want to share something intimate with you. And do not enter the child’s room without knocking. It is not polite.
Refusing to accept the growing up of a teenager
It is clear that for parents, children remain forever children whom they want to protect, help and solve all problems for them. On the other hand, parents can rather harshly suppress the child’s attempts to achieve “equality” with adults. But the lack of social independence of a teenager threatens him with lifelong infantility. Unfortunately, there are many “children” left among adults who are incapable of making decisions, volitional actions, and independence. Such people, having gone through the period of growing up incorrectly, begin to seek care for themselves in the person of a husband, relatives, friends, etc. And in order to grow a personality out of a teenager, to cultivate in him the ability to be an independent and responsible person, you need to let him learn this.
How should parents behave? Do not interfere too much in the lives of sons and daughters. By trying to solve all their problems and deal with all of the abusers, you are depriving children of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. This applies not only to custody, but also to trust and respect. Before intervening in the situation, you need to check with the child if he wants to solve these issues himself. But do not forget that adolescents are still children, and the issue of upbringing is not to send him on an independent voyage from the age of 13, but to tactfully control, be able to correct his affairs, teach him, but do it competently and without conflicts.