She was looking for a person with whom she would like to live «all her life or at least a year.» Traveled the world, went on dates. As a result, she managed to develop an algorithm for finding her person, and most importantly, to find him herself and write a book about it.
Journalist Radmila Khakova wrote the book «147 Dates» in real time. First, she announced on social networks that she was looking for a partner, registered in dating applications. Then I started going on dates and described them in a book. She was looking for her happiness in Germany and Italy, in Turkey and Singapore. The search for a partner ended on the 117th date. Meetings gave her the experience of relationships, revealed many prejudices. They made me think about what a modern family is and why it is needed.
Is it possible to rationally identify a suitable candidate? And how to understand that this person is yours? And why look for someone if it is more comfortable to live alone? This is what her book is about. We publish an excerpt.
Fragment from the book by Radmila Khakova with the preservation of the author’s spelling
“I’m not at all against a traditional family, and even for: it’s cool if two people fell in love and approached each other, became a family — my congratulations, very nice, very much. I’m only questioning a few «required» attributes. Let’s shake the structure, help me.
It takes two to give birth
With the advent of a repository that contains spermatozoa frozen in liquid nitrogen for their subsequent use in the treatment of infertility caused by both male and female factors (popularly — a donor sperm bank), IUI and IVF, two are needed to give birth: a doctor and a person who wants to give birth. Sometimes an assistant. Well, the material. The money, by the way, is not very big — what do you think, how do I know?
It takes a man and a woman to raise a healthy and happy child
Maybe. But very many (especially in Russia) were brought up only by women: mother, grandmother and teacher (sister). Not because there was no dad, there was a dad — there was no culture of participation of the father. Of course, not for everyone, but in my opinion, which does not pretend to be scientific, for the majority. I’m sure a child should know both men and women, but who said that it must be a father (or mother)? I know people for whom a grandfather or a coach, not a dad, or a biology teacher, not a mom, became an authority.
Of course, the former and current with children is the family you are talking about. They are a family if there is warmth between them.
What is a traditional family today? Let’s look at traditions.
Ex + child + current + child = traditional family?
I always give a standing ovation to those who have a good relationship with an ex, because, in fact, it’s not easy to keep up. Nobody taught us how to live when love has passed, but the children remain (this is now an additional specialized education from every iron), and if they meet somewhere in the country, new children and former children, and they have different mothers, and grandmother alone, then the children, are they to blame? Grandma, maybe to blame or mothers? Yes, and dad, in general, is not an asshole. Well, they didn’t work out! There are no more reasons for them to continue living together, what should they do now? Hate each other? Like multi-colored confetti, the curses of the former are falling from the sky. I love the “HATE YOUR EX” T-shirt, but I really admire every counter example of normality: when people managed not to manipulate a child, they retained or restored (they say it heals) respect.
Of course, the former and current with children is a family, what are you talking about! They are a family if warmth, responsibility, respect are preserved between them. If they kept it warm themselves. If you managed to make your children, or peace of mind, or something else great, valuable to them, more important and significant than your own disappointments, emotions, mistakes. It’s very difficult, more difficult than eye color change surgery, huh?
A guy who does not get married (not ready for many years and not preparing), but helps in everything — is it a traditional family?
In my opinion, very much. They perfectly understand each other. She trusts him. He takes care of her. They fight but don’t break up. Occasionally they make (optionally) new partners, sometimes openly — with a declaration and would you go to x **, I’ve been shaving my legs for you every day for seven years, sometimes we’ll talk normally, sometimes — secretly, on the side.
They do not realize that they are a family, but they live for years, decades together, it is very strong.
Occasionally they live together, but never get married and never will. He is not sure that he wants and can have a family, she is that she can and wants to live outside the family. They do not realize that they are a family — but they live for years, decades together, it is very strong. What you! Don’t say it’s not family. Family, of course! Who? People who don’t get divorced «for the sake of the kids» but yell at each other in front of the kids? Those who have seen Zvyagintsev’s «Dislike» (and in general, those who have seen dislike) will say that it would be better if they got divorced. I will not say!
I have no idea how to live, how to create and cherish relationships — I’m 33 years old, and I’m studying, and the vast majority of older people I know don’t know yet either. I don’t know of any reason, given these inputs, to have a traditional family, I mean, I don’t have that reason today.
Source: 147 Dates: How I Was Looking for a Match and What Came Out of It (Bombora, 2019).