Radmila Khakova: “I found the person I was looking for”

“This experiment is not entertainment,” admits Radmila Khakova on the page of her online project. – It’s not about sex and not even about leisure, it’s definitely not about banter with men and not about 147 “goodbyes”, as they once cleverly joked in the comments. Every meeting is important to me.” How to find your man and maintain intimacy? Why even look for conditions that allow us to be free, happy, self-sufficient and without starting a family? An honest conversation with a charming seeker of love.

Psychologies: Do you remember when you first started thinking about your future family? What did you dream about?

Radmila Hakova: I grew up in a good Tatar family with strong traditional values ​​and principles. My parents met at school. Then mom waited for dad from the army, then dad waited for mom to turn 18. They applied on the day of her majority, and a month later they were signed. They live together all their lives, steadfastly go through all life’s difficulties, laugh a lot. This is an example of a family that was before my eyes. I grew up in absolute confidence that everything was arranged that way, that it would be the same for me. Meeting a person, we will love each other, get married, children will be born, a boy and a girl, and we will always be together.

And when there was a “failure in the program”, the reality diverged from the dream?

I just grew up. And the older I got, the more I heard and saw that marriage is work. And this made me protest. I thought, if you have already found your man and you have a puzzle, then the family is a great happiness, not hard labor. It’s not that life immediately becomes cloudless and easy, but now there are two of you in this life and you are stronger and can cope with everything together.

Growing up, she began to pay more attention to the role of women in the Tatar family. The girls around me were getting married early. And already in the first courses of the university, some kind of ether appeared. “My husband won’t let me in” or “if dinner isn’t on the table on time, there will be a scandal” – all this, for reasons I don’t understand, was packed into pride, they say, but here’s mine.

At home, too, there was and is a cult of a man, a father. But on a completely different level – thinner, sleeker, deeper and lighter. We obey him not because he is a man, but because he is smart and loving. We are not afraid of him, we are afraid of upsetting him. That’s a big difference, right? And more ironic. When mother, for example, says at a party: “As Radik says, so it will be,” dad always adds something in the spirit: “As Rosalia wants, so Radik will say.” They are friends, a team. I see it.

And with all the outward patriarchal nature of domestic orders, it is clear that these are just conventions. I admire my parents and am grateful to them for the love and the way they raised my brother and me. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to their normal, normal expectations. But I really believe that it is more important for them that I be happy than that I be “normal, like everyone else.”

But did you see that mom is happy?

Yes. But when I asked: “Mom, is your relationship with your dad hard labor?”, She always answered: “You know, our dad, maybe the only one like that in the whole wide world.” She said this in front of her dad. He beamed, I thought: “But if dad is so alone, then how can I find a second one?” And then I grew up, moved to St. Petersburg, then to Moscow, worked furiously and with pleasure and simply forgot about the relationship. I had several novels, but I only thought about the family again at the age of 25, when all my classmates were already taking their children to school. I met a man with whom we decided to live together.

So they took and met?

I had an affair at work. Because where else, if you live at work? With a married man. Such a strong bad relationship, conflict. We still yell at each other on the phone once a year. He gets terribly angry when I mention him in a book or an interview, “say hello.”

And now he was going to divorce for the third year, when at the party I saw a handsome young man, a journalist. He was so warm, even hot. And the person I met then is cold. Smart, attentive, generous, but cold.

We started seeing each other. A week later, he asked: they say, how do you do? Do you like being a mistress or what? I replied that I didn’t like it. He said, “Then let’s finish there and move.” I moved, we got married. As it turned out later, too soon for people who did not know each other at all. We began to live together and realized how different we are.

The love has passed, but the intention to save the family at all costs remains. Because it’s so right. We tried to agree on all issues. Different views on money, on life? Ok, let’s find a common view. We went to a family psychologist, discussed controversial issues with my parents, mine and his. We talked with more experienced, wise family experience friends. This helped too. Once I decided to leave, but Vanya said: “Listen, we haven’t even jumped yet, and you are already saying that our parachute did not open.” It stopped me. I thought we had to fight, because the family is something that needs to be built, created.

For the last six months we have lived as friends, close, but offended by each other and even angry. Outside, we still seemed like a couple, we went somewhere together, but inside there was no faith. We were just afraid of a break – a failure. Everyone seemed to want to give this step to another. On some sunny, empty Thursday morning, he entered the room, stood silently for a minute, looked at me, then said: “Forgive me that we didn’t succeed.”

Divorce was a common decision, but both experienced it painfully. And then I only remembered the good things. Boiled in doubt for three months. Suddenly, I didn’t do everything, suddenly I had to give birth to a child or leave together to another country. We wanted only good things for each other and for ourselves, but along the way we hurt each other badly. They could not grow love out of their love. Both tried, but, unfortunately, we failed. He asked me out on a date this year. I think we both needed this meeting. As confirmation that we were not mistaken, and recognition: we are sorry that we hurt each other.

Did the idea of ​​dating and finding love come about as a reaction to a breakup?

At first, the idea came up to write a book “Say” with the subtitle “We all need to talk.” About how understatement, hushing up problems harms relationships. Because I myself was silent for the entire first year of my life together. Vanya did not know that we had problems, because I was silent. After all, I remembered from childhood that marriage is work, and a woman must give up what is important to her in order to be a good wife. And I endured, and a year later I packed my things and left at night to my friend. Largely thanks to her ex-husband, I realized how silence spoils life, how important it is not to hide your feelings.

Two years after my divorce, I joined the international publishing house Splash. The boss, Vladimir Yakovlev, noticed my attention to the topic of relationships. And this is incredibly interesting to me – how couples are created, what brings them together, how the family is changing today. Once he asked me: “Are you looking for a match? OK. How exactly are you looking for it? I thought: how do I search? I’m not looking at all. I decided to declare an open search, changed my status on social networks, registered in applications and began to go on dates. This is actually a very natural way to get to know each other and understand how interesting we are to each other. Everyone goes on dates, just no one writes about it.

In addition, it turned out that the format of a date from a literary point of view is a very convenient way to tell stories. This is how the idea of ​​my book and the Telegram channel with the backstage of the project appeared. There I tell how the work on the book is going, send photos from dates, conduct voting, and so on.

It turns out that this was originally a creative project? Is your personal interest secondary?

The format of an online book assumes that you live it. I don’t go on dates because I was ordered to write about it, on the contrary: I share how I live. I chose this form as a solution to my personal request. I wanted to find love, I did not understand how to do it, I began to study and began to search. They took almost a year.

It turns out that you had more than 100 dates. What if you really fell in love with someone in the first month?

And so it was! It happened on the first date in Berlin. I liked one Estonian, Leo, he liked me too, but we had different intentions. He said: “You know, I was married twice, I have children, I don’t want a family at all, I don’t want a long serious relationship.”

I’m not interested in short relationships for sex, not because I’m a hypocrite. On the contrary, I know very well why they are of no interest to me. Leo and I talked and agreed on a one month relationship. I was in love and at first I thought: “OK: cool – I have a month, but who has more? How do you know in advance how long a relationship will last? Then I realized that I was trying very hard to change his mind. For 27 days I behaved like an ideal wife. Then she packed her things and left. Not immediately, but later he asked to return.

Why didn’t you want to?

As happens in a process, the means has shifted the end. I tuned in not to intimacy, but to prove to him that he was wrong. It was a complex and questionable experiment with consequences for both of us. After him, I began to take motives more seriously, to prepare for dates. In the preliminary correspondence, I found out whether our basic principles and intentions coincide.

It is hard to believe that you went to each new man with an open soul and a willingness to fall in love.

So it was in the beginning. If you are not open, there will be no meeting, I thought. But if you open up to someone, it connects you, brings you closer. Therefore, after dates, people continue to write, call. They needed either a sequel or an explanation.

At some point, I realized that I was just going crazy. So I had a therapist and the knowledge that it is not necessary to connect with a person at the first meeting and do not have to try to be good, trying to please everyone.

I had to be myself – to say what I don’t like, not to hide what annoys me, not to be shy to ask clarifying questions if something is not clear. Once I stopped being comfortable, the vulnerability disappeared.

That is, at first you went on dates with the desire to prove that you were suitable for the role of a partner in a long-term relationship. And then they took a different position: does it suit you?

Yes, that is right. At first I reproduced the pattern: “Look what a good, comfortable wife I will be.” But then I went on a date with a different purpose – to understand whether the person is right for me. Do I suit him. it’s not my concern, he will say.

How quickly did you know if a person was right for you?

I had several dates, after which I immediately understood that there would be no continuation, because the conversation quickly reached a dead end or a conflict arose. Once a man put pressure on me and even threatened me when I refused to meet with him again.

A day or two after the date, if a man offered to meet, I either continued the conversation or explained why not. Fortunately, in the civilized world there are formulations that allow you to refuse a person without hurting his pride.

Two months later, I could already assume from a photo in Tinder that this type is rather aggressive, and this one is fixated on himself. After each date, there were new questions that it was important for me to ask. At some point, I realized that political views, attitudes towards the adoption of children, towards gays are important to me. So I formulated a portrait for myself: what qualities I would like to see in a partner and what principles are unshakable for me.

Can you name them?

This is all pretty obvious: actions are more important than words, decency, respect for elders, strength, kindness, attitude towards the weak, attitude towards money, business. It is important for me that a person does not go over their heads for the sake of money, that people are more important to him than ideas. How much he earns is not at all as important as whether he enjoys his work, how well he does it. He may be a waiter, but he is a brilliant waiter who catches the ball.

I have a chapter in my book where I describe the person I’m looking for. I have a list of 11 items. To summarize: a kind, intelligent and strong person. More than half of the comments were that I would rather meet a woman who meets these criteria than a man. Because a strong man is more likely to be a little mean.

By doing so, you have raised the bar incredibly high.

Nevertheless, I found exactly the person I thought of. Just now, last week. I really liked one person on the internet last year. I wanted to communicate, but could not find common ground. According to the rules of the project, I should not take the initiative.

And I was looking for a way to get acquainted without a direct invitation, but I could not find it. It turned out that we are from completely different worlds. We practically do not have common acquaintances, we go to different places, we have different hobbies. It seemed impossible for me to get through to him. I flew to one event, just to be in a common environment and be in it.

Only six months later, in July, I received back attention from him, we met. In the comments, one person wrote: “I generally believe that with your activity you could materialize such a person yourself, out of thin air.”

That is, you can find the person of your dreams and fall in love with him, based on rational requirements?

Yes, you can. You can search, think about who you are looking for, disagree out of pragmatism. Do not endure, do not try to become someone other than yourself in order to please someone. Wonderful people came to me, and, in principle, something could be built with everyone. But I didn’t love any of them. And when I had feelings, all 11 points coincided. This does not guarantee, of course, that we will have a family. I don’t know yet how this story will develop. We just met. But when we part – while we live in different cities – it’s as if something is being taken away from the heart.

This time, are you willing to make any compromise to grow love?

The man said, “You don’t think love just pops up in the air when two people meet, do you? She is always inside. You just choose where to go.” Someone directs to work and stores there, someone to friends, someone to himself. You are just distributing the love that you have inside.

In summary, what have you learned about men in those XNUMX+ dates?

I would not like to divide people by gender when it comes to relationships. I learned this about both men and women: we are very vulnerable, fragile, and in fact, none of us knows how and does not know how to build relationships. We fly into space, but we haven’t learned how to talk to each other. Everyone is an ocean. Man or woman, everyone wants love. Everyone seeks, fears, makes mistakes. Fear of responsibility is not cowardice really. It’s a deep-seated fear of letting down someone you love. Disappoint, fail, fall. And it is very unfair when they say with condemnation: “He is not ready to take responsibility.”

What new things have you learned about yourself?

I learned that openness is vulnerability. The book made me recognizable in the city where I live. I go to a cafe, to the park or to the opera, someone always comes up to me. In Kazan, a girl in a hijab came up and said: “Of course, you can’t tell from me, but I read your book.” It was nice, but it’s not always like that. I realized that I was closed. I answer formally or I do not answer, in an institution I choose a table at which I cannot be seen. But this is not very me. I don’t want to close. I would like to remain myself – open.

I found out that I am most comfortable alone. Recently, a relative, a very wise woman, said about me to my sister: “Gulya, don’t be upset, but I think that your sister Radmila will not marry. She’s seen enough to take care of herself. She will not tolerate any one in the house … She will not tolerate anyone’s orders, rules.

I really don’t know any reason to be alone unless it’s better than being alone. I feel good alone, comfortable. I learned that everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It is strange to think that you are unhappy or happy because you are alone or not alone. As if you want to shift the responsibility for this to someone else.

I realized how many expectations we place on a future partner. You don’t have to put everything on one person. There is a family, relatives – this is unconditional acceptance, support, a shoulder. There are colleagues, like-minded people – this is when you are moving in the same direction. There are friends with whom you coincide in interests, share values, and spend time interestingly. The roof can be repaired by a specially trained person. The partner is not obliged to solve all your requests and share all your interests with you. Maybe he shoots a gun, and you love ballet. And in answer to the question about compromises, yes, I am ready for any compromises, as long as we choose to direct our love to each other.

Did you complete the 147 date program?

I stopped at 117th. I had this date yesterday.

Previously, it was so important for me to publicly indicate my pair status. I needed some kind of confirmation of my own importance from a partner as recognition. So that we can be together in photos, on Instagram, so that everyone can see us at parties.

And now I’m in a relationship that I don’t want to talk about publicly at all. It is clear that someday it will happen anyway, but now it is only ours. This is the first time this has happened to me. Maybe here, where the book ends, my real personal life begins.

Photo source: Regina Urazaeva/Inde, Kat Ogurechkina/Inde, Alina Shamalova, from the personal archive of Radmila Khakova.