Contents
It would seem that what could be more natural than sex? But the philosopher Alain de Botton is convinced that in modern society «sex is comparable in complexity to higher mathematics.»
Possessing a powerful natural force, sex creates a lot of problems for us. We secretly yearn to possess those we don’t know or don’t love. Some are willing to engage in immoral or humiliating experiments for the sake of sexual gratification. And the task is not an easy one — to finally tell those who are really dear to us about what we really want in bed.
“We secretly suffer, feeling the painful strangeness of sex that we dream about or try to avoid,” says Alain de Botton and answers the most burning questions on an erotic topic.
Why do people lie about their true desires?
Even though sex is one of the most intimate activities, it is surrounded by many socially approved ideas. They define what the sexual norm is. In fact, few of us fall under this concept, writes Alain de Botton in the book «How to think more about sex.»
Almost all of us suffer from feelings of guilt or neuroses, from phobias and destructive desires, from indifference and disgust. And we are not ready to talk about our sex life, because we all want to be well thought of.
Lovers instinctively refrain from such confessions, because they are afraid to cause irresistible disgust in their partners.
But when at this point, where disgust could reach its maximum, we feel acceptance and approval, we experience a strong erotic feeling.
Imagine two languages exploring the intimate realm of the mouth—that dark, damp cavern where only a dentist looks. The exclusive nature of the union of two people is sealed by an act that would terrify them both if it happened to someone else.
What happens to a couple in the bedroom is far from imposed norms and rules. It is an act of mutual agreement between two secret sexual selves that are finally opening up to each other.
Does marriage destroy sex?
“The gradual decline in the intensity and frequency of sex in a married couple is an inevitable fact of biology and evidence of our absolute normality,” Alain de Botton reassures. “Although the sex therapy industry is trying to tell us that marriage should be revitalized by a constant rush of desire.
The lack of sex in established relationships is associated with the inability to quickly switch from routine to erotica. The qualities that sex requires of us are opposed to the petty bookkeeping of everyday life.
Sex requires imagination, play, and loss of control, and therefore, by its very nature, is disruptive. We avoid sex not because it does not please us, but because its pleasures undermine our ability to perform household chores measuredly.
It is difficult to switch from discussing the future food processor and urge your spouse to try on the role of a nurse or pull on over the knee boots. We may find it easier to ask someone else to do it—someone we won’t have to eat breakfast with for the next thirty years in a row.
Why do we attach such importance to infidelity?
Despite the public condemnation of infidelity, the lack of any desire for sex on the side is irrational and goes against nature. It is a denial of the power that dominates our rational ego and influences our «erotic triggers»: «high heels and fluffy skirts, smooth hips and muscular ankles»…
We experience anger when faced with the fact that none of us can be everything to another person. But this truth is denied by the ideal of modern marriage, with its ambitions and belief that all our needs can be satisfied by only one person.
We seek in marriage the fulfillment of our dreams of love and sex and are disappointed.
“But it is just as naive to think that betrayal can be an effective antidote to this disappointment. It is impossible to sleep with someone else and at the same time not harm what exists within the family, ”says Alain de Botton.
When someone we like to flirt with online invites us to meet at a hotel, we are tempted. For the sake of a few hours of pleasure, we are almost ready to put our married life on the line.
Advocates of love marriage believe that emotions are everything. But at the same time, they turn a blind eye to the rubbish that floats on the surface of our emotional kaleidoscope. They ignore all these contradictory, sentimental and hormonal forces that are trying to pull us apart in hundreds of different directions.
We couldn’t exist if we didn’t betray ourselves internally, with a fleeting desire to strangle our own children, poison our spouse, or get divorced because of a dispute over who will change the light bulb. A certain degree of self-control is necessary for the mental health of our species and the adequate existence of a normal society.
“We are a collection of chaotic chemical reactions. And it is good that we know that external circumstances often argue with our feelings. This is a sign that we are on the right track,” sums up Alain de Botton.
About the author: Alain de Botton is a British writer and philosopher.