Questionnaire Fundamentals of the family contract

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Questionnaire «Fundamentals of the Family Contract» — a list of questions developed by N.I. Kozlov to prevent disagreements in the family. Based on the Questionnaire, a Family Agreement is created.

Falling in love, charm, a candy-bouquet period — all this is beautiful and romantic, but when young people begin to live together, they already live in some kind of reality. In which? Before creating a responsible relationship, it is important to get to know each other seriously, and the Questionnaire helps a lot with this.

Everyone who gets married has an idea of ​​the future family life, but for the majority the pictures of the future life are very vague, and, most importantly, for HE and HER are significantly different. Suppose he thinks like this: “Since you love me so much, then you, like a real mistress (and like my mother), will take on all the burden of family troubles, and I will only come to the kitchen to eat.” At this time, she thinks differently: “Since you love me so much, then you, like a real knight (well, just in fairness), will help me in everything, we will do everything together or in turn. Isn’t that right, dear?»

But all this is just a thought and does not prevent them from kissing. And what will happen when young people get married? He — to her: «I’m somehow hungry …» She — to him: «Yes? Well, go to the kitchen and peel the potatoes!” He: «How is that?» She: “Yes, like this, with pens!”

Of course, you can discuss these prosaic issues (and hundreds of others similar) when the spouses have already stumbled over them, but is this always the best option? He is already angry, she is already offended … But why wait until life pushes the spouses foreheads? Reasonable people discuss their possible disagreements in advance, while they have time for this and until clashes between themselves obscure the main thing from them — their love, respect and interest in each other.

Of course, it is impossible to foresee all the possible problems of future family life, but many and even most are possible. Here, discuss them. And the Questionnaire «Fundamentals of the family contract» will help you with this. See in more detail how to use the questionnaire, who needs the Questionnaire and why.

Actually Questionnaire

We trust each other

Imagine that your entire life is being recorded on video. It captures everything that happens or happened to you, all your feelings and thoughts, including about each other.

Do you agree to show your film to your spouse? Whole?

Do you want to watch his film? Whole?

How much do you think spouses should be open and sincere with each other? Why does it depend? What are your wishes for each other?

We and family

What kind of family did my parents have, my attitude towards it? What kind of family do I want? What is the most important thing in my family?

Do I need you as an opportunity to start a family, or is starting a family a way to be with you? What is more important for you?

Do I really need a family? Am I going to put a lot of time and effort into it? Who among us is family more important?

What do I appreciate most about you? What do I need you for? (Now try to prove to another that he needs you.) Why do you need me? Why should you marry (marry me)? Besides the fact that we love each other, what’s the point in that?

If love passes, then what?

Past

What important events from your past life would you like to tell? Have there been major mistakes in your life? Mistakes for which you still have to pay the price?

What relationships were important to you in your past? What is left of this today?

Were you married before? Children? Why did they break up? Alimony? Do you keep in touch?

Power

It is believed that the right priorities for a man: in the first place — work, in the second — the wife, in the third — children, in the fourth — parents. Friends and hobbies — after that. Do you agree with this? And how is it with you?

It is believed that the right priorities for a woman: in the first place is the husband, in the second — children, in the third — work, in the fourth — parents. And in a family where the head of the family is the husband, it is even easier: as the husband decides, the wife has such priorities. What do you think?

Do we have a democracy or is there a head of the family? Who is our boss? Rights and obligations of the head of the family? What issues do we solve only jointly, and which each in private?

Do we have a family of me + me or a family of WE? When we agree, can we think first of all about our own interests or immediately about the interests of the general?

Will we have written Rules of Relationships (Family Constitution) in our family? Is everyone obligated to obey these Rules?

Inheritance of property: what do you think about it? Is it important for you to discuss all property issues with the help of a marriage contract?

Money

How much should anyone earn? If the wife does not have enough money, how then? Can there be claims?

Are we planning to help parents? Will we accept help from parents? And if in return they arrogate to themselves the right to interfere in our affairs?

Who manages money and how? Is there personal money, or is it all shared? How much? Do we invest equally in common money or in accordance with earnings? «You’re a spender!» — «And you are greedy!» Who is right? Are we planning to save in advance for expensive things? On vacation? On retire? Allowed amount of unplanned spending?

Apartment and things

With whom will we live, on what conditions? How will parents react to this? Registration? What are the prospects for the future?

How are you going to furnish the apartment? Your style: sporty-functional, cozy, expensive-refined-prestigious? Your choice: a wall, carpets, a home cinema… or: instead of carpets – mats, the wall is not Italian, but “Swedish”, instead of a TV – tents, bicycles hang on the wall… And we will spend money on books.

What things of yours should I not take (use, touch)? Because of the damage to what things can you make a scandal to another? What do you want in an apartment? What will you not tolerate?

Work

What is the place of work in your life? Is it possible for you to change jobs? For what? Under what conditions?

Is it possible for you to change your place of residence? Change city? Country?

Should a wife work? How much, where, why, why?

If contradictions arise, what is more important to whom — family or work? Can one of the spouses not work? Under what conditions?

Do you have requirements for the work of another? What shouldn’t be there?

Education

How satisfied are you with your education? Are you going to continue it, where, how? And if it comes into conflict with the interests of the family? What help do you expect from your spouse?

How satisfied are you with your spouse’s education? Do you want your spouse to continue their education? What help, support in this you agree to provide?

Food and Cuisine

What are the wishes and requirements? Vegetarianism? Diets? Starvation? Sweets? Table setting? How do we react if it is not tasty and monotonous? And if the wife tries, but the husband does not notice?

Who makes the purchases: what kind, who wears heavy things, who stands in lines, etc.? Who cooks, should the other help and in what way? Can there be claims about «tasteless»? Who clears the table and does the dishes? How do we react when someone is NOT: didn’t go, didn’t cook, didn’t wash, etc.?

Household

Laundry: Who washes, irons, wears to the laundry? What kind, in what form and how regular is the help?

Repair: what is expected from a husband? What is the reaction if the deadlines are delayed or the quality is low?

How do you feel about the scientific organization of labor in everyday life?

Order and cleanliness in the house

Is it important to you? Who cares about order, who cares about cleanliness?

Who sweeps and washes the floors, vacuums, dusts? How regularly? Do we always dry our feet? If dirt is brought in, who will wipe it off and when?

Do we make our bed right away? Who? Do we hang a dress, a suit behind us, do we put things in their place?

How do we react when someone is NOT: does not wash, does not wipe, does not clean, does not put down, etc.? And in response?

Can I comment on you? In what form is it impossible? Can you comment?

Daily routine and sports

Are you an owl or a lark? What time do you usually get up and go to bed? Weekdays, weekends? Should the other spouse live the same way? What if you interfere with each other?

Is it necessary to get up early or immediately? Do exercises? Can anyone here insist on something? On what, how?

Clothing, appearance and personal care

What is important to you in the appearance of your spouse? What especially attracts, what repels?

Clothing: attitude to fashion, preferences, how much are we willing to spend, do we coordinate tastes or does everyone dress as they please?

Cosmetics? Hairdressers, baths? Groomed hair, nails, skin of a spouse? Cleanliness of underwear and bed linen?

Health

Your health status, heredity, what do you get sick most often?

Is there an obligation to take care of your health? And if the other does not follow his own? What if it’s stupid or excessive? Who will be responsible for the health of the family?

Do we like cool or warm? Do we sleep with open windows? Will we walk regularly? Who will manage this?

One got sick — how to behave to another? The wife of PMS — how should anyone behave?

How do we heal each other? How do we treat children: doctors or sports and energetic hardening?

Relatives

What kind of relationship with parents and relatives now, what would you like? How often are you going to visit your parents and relatives? Must be together? Can relatives interfere with your relationships and lifestyle? The wife and mother do not get along, both are wrong, but they set an ultimatum: “Either I, or she!” — who will the husband choose? (similar question to wife)

If parents need help, can they live with us? How long, under what conditions? How and who, if necessary, will neutralize them?

Spiritual life and values

What is spirituality for you? Are you superstitious? Are you religious? How much? Why? What do you expect from a partner? Disregard for what values, things and people would hurt you?

What is your attitude and opinion about: Events in the country and abroad. Modern and classical literature, poetry, favorite authors. Theatre, ballet, cinema, visual arts, music… What do you love, what do you reject, why?

Philosophy, psychology, parapsychology, astrology, yoga, UFOs, «evil eyes», signs and other controversial things?

Free time and hobbies

How much do you have? How, at the expense of what are you going to cut it out, if it will not be enough?

What are you interested in and how seriously? Controversial hobbies: computer games, social networks, extreme sports? How will this relate to the interests of the family? Is your spouse obligated to share your hobbies?

What is your attitude towards visiting? And the attitude towards guests at home? (how often can you call)? Late returns home? Attitude towards going to bars, theater, conservatory, etc.? Hiking? Home stay? Books? Sport? Computer games? TV, social networks, sit in YouTube?

May I use your phone? Computer? Climb on your phone or computer? Is yours password-protected or is everything open with us?

Pets: who would you like to have? Why don’t you tolerate it?

Children

How many children do you want, boy or girl, when? Name wishes? Baptize? What if there are no children? What if it’s an unplanned pregnancy?

Who will take care of the child, what kind of help do you expect? Washing diapers, shopping, getting up at night? How will you react if help is not enough? If dad is less involved with the child, what is his voice in education? In front of children — do we always have a common position? What if you don’t agree with what the other person is doing?

Can children be spanked? How hard or soft should parenting be? How can and how not to punish children?

Attitude to non-standard methods (childbirth in water, the Nikitin experience, dunking in ice water, etc.)?

When to give the child to a nursery, a garden? Secular or religious education?

Friends

Who are your friends now, why, frequency and nature of contacts? Why do you need friends and what do you do with them?

In the context of family life, do you plan to meet with friends: how often, where, in what form, when together with your spouse, when separately?

Can friends stay overnight at your place? What kind of friends? How often? In general, what is your attitude to past relationships and loves?

Loyalty and betrayal

Can a husband (at work, on vacation) be in close friendship with women? Once a hug around the waist? Kiss on the cheek? Snuggle while dancing? With a wife? Without a wife? What if they tell her? Situations on the contrary: the attitude of the husband towards them?

Is jealousy typical for you and how do you feel about your jealousy and his? What do you consider change? Is infatuation a betrayal? And if this is a reaction to your coldness or conflicts in the family? What is your reaction to the «accidental» betrayal?

If you are carried away by another (or another): how will you behave? Will you hide, deny? Would you like your spouse to be as frank with you as possible in this situation? If the husband is seriously carried away: what will you decide, what will you do? What kind of conversation can take place between you? The situation is the opposite — a question to the husband.

Sex in our life

What literature on sexology have you read? Can you speak on this topic? How do you feel about sexuality? What do you expect from each other here? What mode of sexual life is desirable for you? What will it depend on?

Is it important for a husband to be the first man for his wife?

Are you squeamish? Do you consider any parts of the body or bodily functions dirty, indecent, which must be hidden from each other?

What problems might you have and what do you expect from your spouse in this regard?

If you decide to take your time with the baby, what precautions will you take?

How do you feel about non-standard forms of sexual intimacy? What is acceptable and desirable for you, what is not?

Behaviors and bad habits

What kind of behavior would you like to see in your spouse and how important is this for you?

Is it possible to be sloppy dressed if friends are visiting? What if you are alone at home?

Do you smoke, drink? When, how much? What will you allow yourself, your spouse? How will you react if your spouse is drunk?

TV set? Computer games? Night clubs, casinos?

If your spouse has bad or unpleasant habits (biting his nails, shuffling his feet, not washing his hands before eating), how will you react?

Guess…

Each separately from each other, complete the unfinished sentences:

“I appreciate you the most……….” (5-10 points, for example: decency, sense of humor, health, reliability, love for me, tolerance … what do you have?)

“I often get annoyed about you………..”

«I would like you to………»

“You value me the most………” (do not ask him, but write as you think, as it seems)

“You often get annoyed about me………”

«You want that I……….»

“You think what I want from you……….”

Now exchange papers, read and discuss what interests you.

Our relationship

What tokens do you need? Should we give each other gifts? Which? Do you love surprises? Is it possible to negotiate a gift?

Is your bad mood my problem or yours? When and what kind of bad mood are we allowed to, when and what is not? How should I behave if you are in a bad mood? Can we be offended? Play silent?

How do we react to being late? On “forgot”, “did not have time”, etc.? To cheat? On non-compliance with the agreement? What do we consider “dishonest”, what is “betrayal”?

Is it permissible to swear in quarrels? To use sharp, guee words and expressions? And if «he started first»?

Is it possible to turn on the voice recorder during difficult conversations? If it is difficult to talk, do you think it is possible to communicate in writing during the analysis of the conflict?

Addendum to the Questionnaire here

Some creative people based on the Questionnaire made their own Wedding Vow.docx»

English version of the Questionnaire «Basics of the family contract.docx»

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.