Children often lie to us when they feel “back to the wall.” Instead of taking away from the child his own conscience, replacing it with an external one – with your attempts to convict, control – it is worth returning your trust to him.
“Hello! I have a son, he is 9 years old, often lies to my husband and me. What could be the reason?
Oksana, 34 years old
Irina Mlodik, psychotherapist:
“In my opinion, children often lie when they feel “back to the wall”. That is, they are so afraid to meet with your adult reaction that they are trying with all their might to postpone this meeting. As a rule, this, of course, does not work, because your anger at trying to lie only grows stronger. Everything would be much easier if the child simply confessed to his misdeeds, but in a moment of stress it is difficult for him to believe this. The trouble is that trust is already lost in children who begin to lie, and parents begin to suspect them, try to incriminate or even track them down, and all this only aggravates the situation, because it becomes even more terrible for the child to be discovered, caught, he lies more more often or even more skillfully. Thus, the parent, as it were, takes away his own conscience from the child and replaces it with an external one – with his attempts to convict, control and shame for trying to cover up what he has done.
Read more:
- Should you trust your child?
A child who is constantly exposed begins to feel even more ashamed, “bad”, humiliated, “not like that”, and it becomes even more difficult for him to confess. The way out of this, in my opinion, is a clear translation of the values of your family and permission for him to manage his own conscience. The return of his confidence. The more trust and the right for the child to tell about what is happening, the more likely the child will perceive you, adults, as an adult and wise helper in difficult situations, and not as an “incriminating investigative body.”