“Perhaps the closest word to explain this rejection is envy?” Agnia says. Psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova offers her own vision of the situation.
“I am 28 years old, I studied, I work, everything is fine. Twice in my life I had serious relationships with men who were somewhat similar, not so much among themselves as, let’s say, in origin and environment – both from such large clans with many children, where all sorts of family traditions are powerful, strong relationships, immense respect to the elders, everyone arranges holidays for each other, name days, both families are believers and they all go to church, they are all so talented, and their children are wonderful, and they are all so friendly, noisy, cheerful, hospitable … And so I couldn’t go there, you know . I understood that I could live with such a person only if he did not pull me to become a part of all this, and they (both), of course, aspired to this, they generally get along only with those who accept their “faith”, well not in the sense of religion, but a way of life, or something, flows into their traditions … Perhaps, over time, I would have felt a taste for this, but everything directly rebelled against me, so much so that I resolutely broke off relations … And now I’m like “ on the lookout”, I carefully go around men of this type … I thought for a long time why this is so, what is the reason? Well, I don’t have such a family myself, but it’s quite strong, complete, without divorces, without tragedies … Probably, the closest word to explain this rejection is envy. But I still did not understand why, and what, in fact, should I do? It turns out that I choose men of about the same type for serious relationships (maybe on the third check, what if it won’t be like that?), They are even ready to start a family with me, but I’m running away from their family / cultural ?? context? this is not normal, is it? Help me figure it out, please!!!”
Agnia, 28 years old
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Ekaterina Mikhailova, psychotherapist:
“What puzzles you so much, Agnia, is really unusual. You twice had serious relationships with men who belonged to large friendly families, powerful traditional clans: holidays, constant communication with relatives, respect for elders, pride in children, everyone is so friendly, hospitable … Both times they were ready to accept you into the family, and you felt so bad in this wonderful “museum” way that you resolutely left. The nature of such rejection is unclear to you, as is the very choice of just such men. There is a lot of uncertainty here. Powerful friendly clans are rare, but here the plot was repeated twice! And you were chosen twice. After all, they saw something in you, which created the impression of compatibility with their families … You write about envy, but not for a “good family”. Why? Perhaps the ability and desire to be a part of something bigger — and not lose yourself in the process. For you, this is not “and”, but “or” – and you have made your choice. There are three assumptions (I will not insist on them).
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First: it was difficult for you to separate yourself from your own, also strong and good, family; just separated – and what, again become a part of something, honor the elders and live not by their own rules? Never! Second: the traditions of those families are still attractive to you, but the price of joining is exorbitant. May you fail with your name days and wonderful relationships! Some part of the soul, not too familiar to you, still wants to “go there” – perhaps your men also felt her presence. And you seem to repel this temptation, devalue it, but … If there were no internal conflict and struggle with yourself, there would be no question. Third, with caution: you can think about the distant history of your family. Once upon a time, families were big (not necessarily friendly and happy). They became small not of their own free will, traditions also died not by their own death. I admit that in your “rejection-envy” conflicts, and even tragedies, of the distant past of your family are played out. And I wish you to find your own way to be with others without losing yourself. I think that’s the point.”