Question to the expert: “Why can’t I pull myself together?”

“My mother is seriously ill. I work and take care of her, but at the same time I’m acting like an idiot more and more often: I started drinking, I lost my mobile phone, I tore my passport … I tell my mother about everything and I can’t stop. What is happening to me?”

Seva, 22 years old

Ekaterina Mikhailova, psychologist:

“Seva, you are in an excruciatingly difficult situation: your mother is sick, you are writing about long-term chemotherapy, and it is clear what kind of diagnosis you are talking about. The word “cancer” is not in your letter, as if not saying it aloud can ward off trouble. You are very afraid of losing your only loved one, and your “spree” is teenage, almost childish behavior. Unconscious attempt to shout: “Mom, don’t leave me! You see, I’m not an adult yet, I don’t know how to control my behavior, how can you leave me? Therefore, you tell her about your “exploits”. And at the same time, you are angry that she got sick – for your fear, your loneliness and despair. Angry at yourself and at the same time tormented by guilt. Seva, most of us will have to bury our parents. It is always “too early”, even if we are not 22, but 40 or 50. When they become seriously ill, we suddenly realize that sooner or later – if not now, someday – there will be no one else to protect, pity, forgive us. You are rebelling against your chosen role as adult son. Your test is difficult, you were not ready for it – and no one is ready. Now it is important to stay close to those who can understand you and next to whom it is a little easier – but it is easier not to forget, but to accept reality. There is no close friend – let there be strangers. A call to the “helpline”, like books, can give this feeling. There are circumstances that we cannot change. But there is still a choice: to accept the challenge, to seek support, to cherish what we have. Courage – or turn away and run away.