“When was the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror?” How to react if the girl you like answers this way? And is it really all about “wrong stereotypes”?
“I am very interested in how it has developed in our society that the concept of masculinity has come to include “overcoming painful difficulties” and “endurance to suffering as such”? Plus, a certain stereotype of appearance – take any male model from a magazine – supposedly unshaven for three days, but in fact carefully groomed, deliberate negligence. Expensive clothes … As a result, modern girls form exactly the same idea of a man, and as for provincial girls, they generally take such a macho as a style icon … What do we have as a result? A stereotype imposed by fashion and false myths that destroys society from the inside, does not allow families to form … If, for example, I do not have the opportunity to wear branded clothes and shave every day, then I am no longer considered a candidate for husbands. My first “love” said so – they say, when did you look at yourself in the mirror for the last time? And by the way, I take care of myself. But I don’t have, apparently, in the features of this cine damned “masculinity”. Where did it come from, who came up with it, but the main thing is is it possible to break this stereotype?
Eugene, 22 years old
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Ekaterina Mikhailova, psychotherapist:
“Oh, Eugene, how harsh you are: the stereotype of masculinity is not good for you, and the girls look in the wrong direction, and in general – these terrible people are unable to appreciate you, let’s put them in their place! “Cinema” samples of heroes (and heroines) do not let you sleep peacefully only in one case: if the person himself compares himself with them and takes seriously his discrepancy with them. Your caustic descriptions of these very stereotypes demonstrate a good knowledge of the subject, as if you had specially studied all this cover-poster “beauty” in order to expose it. Please put down your stack of glossy magazines and look at real people. Especially for couples who seem content with life and each other. Well, where are they, handsome men with deliberate unshaven hair? Yes, in the same place where beauties with a model appearance are in a glossy looking glass. And ordinary young people of both sexes kiss on benches and hold hands in the subway, and their appearance is often imperfect, and they are dressed differently, and nothing. Therefore, I will tell you briefly and harshly: you are on the wrong path.
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Stuck in a defensive position, behind which, perhaps, a strong fear of rejection hides. And since the best defense is an attack, you angrily condemn the stereotypes of masculinity and modern girls, who, of course, are unable to appreciate you. At the same time, in the letter you yourself did not say a good word about anything or anyone, and this leads one to think about the nature of your lack of demand. You know, the constant readiness to venomously devalue everything and everything can create the illusion of security, but it does not contribute to contact with other people, including girls. I would like to hope that resentment spoke in you, and not a stable picture of the world: a tactless remark by a girlfriend about the last time you looked in the mirror is really quite nasty, there is something to get angry with. But in the mirror you can see not only grooming or lack of it, not only the notorious “strong-willed chin” and other rubbish. And if you look in the mirror not at these elementary and not very interesting signs, completely different questions will arise.
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For example, about an evaluative look, a tendency to judge, an expression of latent superiority … You ask if it is possible to break the stereotype. Social – hardly, but with our stereotypes (emotional, for example) we can do something. The first question to ask yourself if you go this route is simple, no matter what it is about: why is it so important to me, what are my “pain points” it touches? And then it’s worth asking yourself where such a strong reaction to the inconsistency with the popular image of the alpha male came from, which of the people significant to you did not accept and depreciate you, whose rejection left such painful traces, with whom you actually compete, choosing as a replacement cover macho? But these are all serious questions, even painful ones. And whether you are ready for the real work on them, only you yourself can know.