The trauma experienced breaks the inner world into pieces – the soul needs time to heal the wound.
“I was sitting next to my mother in the car and talking, and suddenly we were in a ditch under the KAMAZ truck, squeezed and helpless. While she was holding my hand, I managed to say that everything was fine with me, I managed to call for help, and when people responded, my mother released my palm. I didn’t understand what happened. She kept repeating: “Mommy, hold on, mommy, hold on.” And she was gone. The emergency doctor told me that my mother had a stroke. Dad died five years ago, and I have already experienced the pain of loss once, but this experience does not help me. Then I held on for her sake, my mother became the core that held the family together. Caring for her, support, closeness and need for each other – that’s what saved. And now she is gone, and my sister and I are completely orphaned. And there is no strength to fight, in the soul there is nothing but pain. Mom’s death turned the world upside down.
Marina, 28 years old
Konstantin Slepak, psychotherapist:
“I sympathize with you very much in your grief. I understand that these months are an extremely difficult time for you. And yet, no matter how hard it is, it is important to remember that sooner or later everyone living on Earth faces the loss of loved ones. In our culture, certain mechanisms have been formed that help to survive this difficult period in life. It is normal to experience the bitterness of loss for a year, about the time it takes for the soul to “renew itself”. The trauma experienced breaks the inner world into pieces, and within a year it sticks together again, but not in the previous configuration, but in a slightly different way. In mental life, a hole is formed in the place of a departed loved one, into which the ego continues to pour energy by inertia, but does not receive any return. Hence the feeling of loss of strength and the emergence of fears. The soul itself heals the wound – the constant scrolling in the head of the scene of the accident is its main therapeutic work.
During this period, it is highly desirable to pronounce these obsessive images aloud: for yourself, for friends, for those who are ready to listen several times. In this regard, the psychologist as a listener can be extremely appropriate. Speaking with an interlocutor in itself directs energy to a living person who reacts and returns strength. In addition, it is also self-care, since such pronunciation is necessary for your psyche. Behind speech there is always the possibility of understanding and connecting the destroyed inner world.
Read more:
- Images that carry messages
Gradually, as you move out of the trauma, other memories will come in besides the accident. During this period, significant dreams are possible in which deceased loved ones come to talk with us or simply become frequent guests of our dreams. This is good: there is a lot of life in this, and, most importantly, with the help of these dreams, you can realize your roots in the family line.
In my opinion, an appeal to a specialist is necessary not so much in order to restore mental well-being, but to build new meanings of being. The psychic energy that is expended by the ego in search of “temporarily gone objects” (temporarily – because objects that died outside eventually become alive in the inner world) needs to be redistributed. I would not like you to perceive my words as blasphemous, but the trauma of losing parents is a powerful springboard for psychological growth and a fulfilling life in the future.
For example, after reading your letter, one can assume that with the death of your mother, the image of the family that she and you supported was destroyed. It was like an image for two, most likely set by my mother. Now your task is to build your own, individual image of your family future. This is a private example. The broader context concerns the ability to live beyond parental expectations and projections in order to realize one’s own unique individuality. This is a difficult and time-consuming task, but it can be solved, and it should be started at a critical period of life, when it is easier and more relevant to build contact with the unconscious. Better – with a psychologist or psychotherapist who has experience working with grief.